12 replies to this topic

[Elric]

Hey,

 

For the past couple of months I have been starting to take my time and write some poems and stories amongst other things. I thought I would share them here and see what people think.

 

Link: http://www.cameronan...com/writing.php

 

Tell me your honest opinions and help me get better! Thanks!

Edited by Elric, 29 July 2015 - 01:56 AM.

[Pasidon]

Realistically, I'm not any form of expert on writing.  I've been writing different versions of the same story for thirteen years, and I'm still not sure how to perfectly engage the modern audience.  Regardless, I have still learned quite a bit on the subject of what direction a 21st century author should be taking.  

 

If you're a student of modern art, you may notice that the most engaging pieces today are those that not only make a statement on life and / or society, but also break our immersion from normal trends.  You can apply this to writing very easily.  The way in which the old stories were written do not apply to the modern audience, as today, people have expectations to their most primitive desires.  One can't simply make a traditional painting or story, and expect it to have the same effect today.  People want action, violence, and tragedy in a setting that goes beyond the traditional.

 

I just got done reading your current version of Stolen.  I believe it falls into the trap of tradition... taking used concepts and expected imagination and not really going anywhere engaging with them.  One also cannot be very invested in your scenes, since your scenes are so brief.  From the viewing of the cursed princess, to the embankment of Eric's journey, there is hardly enough meat to keep the audience invested in the moments.  These situations need to be given more depth.  They need personality and atmosphere in order to draw the reader in.  I used to do the same thing... I was quite impatient and cared more about progression than depth.  I had the story well in mind, yet I disregarded my audience for the sake of progression.  I think you can manage to put far more life into this writing, even if it takes far more time and investment.  You need to draw these scenes out more, use more of your own imagination, and put a personality in the writing.  

 

You obviously have quite a few grammatical errors, but I don't believe those are important until the product is finished.  The thing that bothered me the most was the tethering of the horse.  No... one does not tether a horse.  One hitches a horse.  And don't do that all caps thing to show great emphasis.  I always think it borders on uncontrollable insanity rather than just extreme rage.  Our own Revorian HUNTER being a fine example of my view.

[Elric]

Thanks Pas! I probably should of mentioned that these were done for school as well so we did have a time constraint. The hitch vs tether thing, I have heard people say "tether the horse" that is why I typed it like that. I asked my English teacher about it as well at the time of writing and he said its fine so I guess for that one it depends on where you live perhaps? unless my teacher was confused? haha

 

Anyways, that said I appreciate you taking the time to write all of that. The piece "Stolen" was actually a work of flash fiction so it is suppose to have a certain word count vs content / quality which I found to be VERY tough. As for the caps vs no caps, interesting look at that, ill test it out sometime and see which version I like better vs which version would be correct.

 

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I have a main piece of work I have been working on for almost a year now but it still has many grammatical errors and misplaced or "wrong" sounding sentences. If I ever find the time to really sit down for a couple of hours and perfect it that would be the next large thing I will throw on the website.

[Pasidon]

How about you actually sit down and write something you want, instead of posting your school work then?

[Elric]

That is stuff I "want" I took the class on purpose mate haha. It is stuff I like, I just had time contraints and had project afer project, so never really got back to the older stuff. The newest things on the site are the play and the first poem.

Edited by Elric, 29 July 2015 - 09:10 PM.

[Pasidon]

Projects... time constraints... again, sit down and just write something on your own time.  And I don't like plays or poems, so I didn't really have an interest in those.  

[Mathijs]

You want criticism? Fine.

 

Nation: Nice alliteration, but I'm not a fan of weird American nation-love. Also, if they're creating a flag still, how is the nation red white and blue already? 

Anonymous: Too many full stops, though I guess that works with the theme of security... being tight? I don't know what this is about, sorry.

The Toymaker: I really do not get this.

Storm: Same as above.

Dark Light: Same.

Reflection: Same.

 

I get the feeling you are trying to fake poetic feelings and deep thought through using certain words and constructions instead of actual meaning. I mean, on the surface, these poems might look like they're about something, but then when I try and look below that surface, nothing comes up. Now, poetry doesn't have to be 'deep' or whatever to be entertaining (I love me some Jabberwocky), but it'd be nice for it to have some apparent purpose.

[Elric]

For the ones you dont understand, that is ok. Let me try to explain. The anonymous one is actually a poetry type called a pantoum, I did this one for school as extra credit, Anonymous is a world known hacking group, In the poem I was just describing them trying to hack into something in a vague manor.

 

The toy one is pretty basic. All I am doing for that one is that the toys have become broken, therefore something happened to the toy fixer. fix the toy maker (tinkerer).

 

Storm is easy, a storm is approaching so just describing that.

 

Same for the last 2.

 

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Each one of the Poems I did for extra credit in school, the First one is a Tanka, the second is Pantoum, the rest are Lunes if I remember correctly. We were taught to literally be vague, we weren't trying to go into a deeper meaning because that isn't what the teacher wanted. They are literally poems fit for there specific styles, some of them do have some rhymes but yeah.

 

I have others which I didn't do for school but turned them in anyway for extra credit. Most of the poems and stories etc that I write and or wrote not for school aren't polished in my opinion so I haven't put them up. I will put them up if you want to see a "shit" ton of grammatical errors and or POV errors.

[Mathijs]

It doesn't matter what style or type they are. The point is that I'm not getting anything out of them, neither through form, composition, word choice, or apparent meaning. Poetry can be written in whatever way you (or your ever-present teachers) like, so long as it has some concept behind it, some character. I read neither in those examples. It's just words. I can read some meaning into them (the same meaning you outlined above), but the meaning... means nothing. I don't know how to put this any other way.  I mean, you can write a three-line poem about nothing more than a storm happening using standard expressions and words, but... it's going to be pretty boring. Read some Japanese haikus. Those poets write about mundane stuff too (at least, mundane to me), but manage to put it in extremely interesting ways while abiding strict rules of form.

 

Also, 'I did them for school' is not much of a rebuttal. I've (briefly) taught creative writing as part of a Dutch language class, and I would be asking you the same questions if these were handed in to me. When I ask a student to write an English sonnet, I both expect them to (reasonably) abide by the sonnet conventions, and to put some sort of theme, meaning, or point in there. 

 

Telling your students to 'be vague' as part of an instruction is... well, I think it's a little dumb. That's how kids get the idea that they can just write down whatever they want and get a pass on these poetry assignments, because their teachers are all a bunch of hippies. I guess my point would be; think more on subjects or spend more time making the writing interesting. It may surprise you, but decent poetry is quantifiable to some degree. A point, some theme, some distinct writing style... you gotta have something.

[Pasidon]

Well... the problem here is that Elric isn't actually taking criticism very well at all, and he is blaming his faults on the situation in which he was forced to write some of these pieces.  If you insist that these projects had limitations and are flawed as a result, then that's a legitimate problem.  I personally don't find the pieces I've read to be very good, as they attempt to theme around certain emotions that fail to connect to me.  It takes a very talented and practiced student of writing to achieve that connection in the length you were given.  You aren't there yet.  School isn't going to teach you how to translate your ideas into writing, and the only way you're ever going to get better is if you write in your own time and just take the criticism you are dealt.  I don't care if your own pieces outside of school have grammar issues... what I care about is the content of your ideas.  You really don't have to defend your writing with excuses and your own interpretations of the writing, if they're just plain bad to us.  The point of this topic is for us to deliver criticism, and you take note of that criticism, then work around it until you have achieved a style that is difficult to criticize.

[Elric]

I am taking the criticism I am not trying to defend the work however I am trying to tell you why they are the way they are. They are polished to a point where they are grammatically correct. I admit they aren't very interesting or themed, however, the reason I took the class to begin with was to further myself grammatically.

 

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The ones which I DO find exciting and or themed etc are the novels and other things I am working on in my spare time, however, like I said previously I do not find them to be polished grammatically. These are VERY VERY basic and have no theme or hidden meaning in them at all. I do have a somewhat polished series of poems on the different times of the year which I might throw on there but eh..

 

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I appreciate all the criticism and I think you are right pasidon, the time constraints and other things do make writing something remember-able and exciting difficult.

[Phil]

It may surprise you, but decent poetry is quantifiable to some degree.

 

[Mathijs]

Nothing like Dead Poets Society's ridiculous take on literary criticism (both fictional Pritchard's and Dr. Williams') to get my blood boiling. Thanks Phil.