Well, I was forced into this one... and the trillion hours of trailers of movies that practically just announced recycled Simpsons skits, except super serious. Chappie is a movie that takes place in "the near future," even though everyone is using Windows XP still. It features a cast of people horribly mangled from child birth that are so racially confused, the only guy that I know isn't white is named "America." Everyone else is open to interpretation. Besides the gawd dayum hideous people, the movie is about some faceless military corporation that likes killing people. This FutureCorp decided to go full evil fortress and build its HQ right in the middle of the hell volcano, known as Johannesburg. A city with a reputation so bad, the film crew for Chappie has been stuck there since they filmed District 9. The only place in the world where fresh air is rarer than a stray bullet.
So FutureCorp designed these robots that are made to shoot bad guys to death and totally have no way of screwing up. It is strongly emphasized... this system of robot cops is flawless and cannot be screwed up. Anyway, some dumb robot gets RPG'ed to death and is put out of commission. The guy that invented the army of robo-cops finally made a full sentient program that he was able to store on his 3 CM jump-drive. So he steals the broken robot from FutureCorp... a place that contains more super weapons than Satan and Bin Laden combined... and just drives it out with a van. One that he also stole. Blah blah... he gets highjacked by a man named Ninja, and builds his fully sentient robot in 20 minutes flat in an abandoned warehouse. So the movie is about this robot, and a lesson about how terrible the public education of Johannesburg is. Ninja and his alien queen from the planet Gaga try and teach Chappie opposite values, such as how it's cool to be different, but you will die in any public area if you're different. In Johannesburg, anyway. Actually... no. The lesson is that you'll probably just die in that awful city.
Alright, let's get to the part when the movie goes full David Cage. Hugh Jackman is in this stupid movie, and his goal is to get an excuse to mass murder thousands of people in his giant robot. So he decided to spend his free time screwing up the un-screw-up-able system of robots and force the city to give him the green light on the whole genocide thing. His plan was faulted since the main character steals highly explosive weapons from FutureCorp's unguarded vault of super-weapons and blows the crap out of it. The entire city is in chaos (more than usual), while every evil minion of Future Corp is just chilling out in their cubical and waiting for someone else to be publicly harassed by Hugh Jackman.
Well... the lesson I was supposed to learn, is that even crooked murderers like Ninja and his imp girl friend can be lovable, and we can start to relate to them when they make the big decision to not pay for their drugs. The lessons I learned were far different:
1- Apparently the most well guarded places in Johannesburg are the slums.
2-A sentient robot has the battery life of an iPad.
3- Having anything made out of glass in Johannesburg is stupid.
4- A fully sentient robot is worth less than 2 crates of cocaine.
5- That imp woman is HIDEOUS.
So with the city turned into an even steamier crater of death and crime, we end on a very positive note with the anarchists settling down in their own time, as they fall asleep in their nature habitats: abandoned skyscrapers. I won't spoil the exact ending for you, but it's quite dumb. Instead of leaving you on a joke, I will instead leave you on a picture of this hideous imp woman that has an unlimited supply of inappropriate T-Shirts.
