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Rage Hammer- Avengers: Age of Ultron

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#1 Pasidon

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Posted 09 May 2015 - 06:44 AM

The age of pun'thon returns in an action packed action package.  Now with twice as many fake science words.

 

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Woops.  Sorry.  This is a picture of Space Jam, not Age of Ultron.  The amount of CGI and pre-teen comedy confused me.

 

Previously on the Average Guys, super heroes gathered together to cause more damage to America than 9/11 and Independence Day combined.  Now they return to cause more damage than WWI and 90's pop music in other countries, to once again hold your face down in that urine stain of racial equality.  The Avengers raid a small ethnographicly undetermined fortress in the country of WhatTheHeckIsThisPlace'ustan to accomplish... stuff.    This is where the iron guy learns how to plagiarize other people's work, and spends a night learning how to create conveniently evil plot devices by declaring "woopies!" about 5 hours later. So he accidentally makes an artificial intelligence that learned everything from the internet, so it made sense why it was overly sarcastic and forgot simple words like "children."  No, seriously... the world's most (diabolically)  advanced AI forgot the word "children" at one point.  This makes sense to me, since Google Chrome recognizes the word "Ultron" as a real word, but not "gamers."  

 

Assemble, clumsy heroes of earth and other incredibly corny realms!  Sir-buff-a-lot and his magical windmill hammer return with even more unnecessary ye'olde role-playing, along with Dr. Dufus and Mr. Smash, Captain America (who effectively does nothing, symbolic of the true enemy of America: diabetes), and everyone's favorite duo: the mortals that waste everyone's time.  The Blunt Widow, and Archer Dude...  What a waste of life.  They prove that being a liability can be super!  Our team of bumbling stereotypes charge on, fighting impoliteness by saying "please" and "thank you" even while in life and death situations.  They even fight swearing, bad vibes, and scary people that don't use bright colors.  But don't worry... it's all for the sake of comedy!  We assembled quite the hilarious team of people, didn't we!  Meanwhile, the earth threatens to get James Spader'ed to death.  But we'll white noise all of that with some great bumbling and the sound of our heroes tightening their clown shoes.  But they have to fight two new enemies as well: the twins.  Who... actually aren't twins at all.  And the female one has the power to reveal more cleavage the more good'er she becomes. 

 

 Well, I learned a lot about family values, about being honest with your friends, about how you can make great jokes even when innocent people are dying around you, and that team work is super.  These lessons are super neat'o.... oh.... but wait a minute... the main plot was yet again about smashing things that have lots of LCD lights, WITH lots of LCD lights.  Once again, I felt Stan Lee rolling over in his man-sized life coffin and looking for the off switch, because it was just more pointless smashing and joke-saying.  When people are laughing at a woman falling to her death, just because she had a stupid face... that's when you realize that Ultron was actually right and that people need to be smashed with a derelict Siberian city. To death.  

 

Luckily, we got introduced to a brand new hero that we can all gawk at: Captain Receding Hairline!  He who had the ability to... erm... be pointless.  But be pointless with an English Accent.  Take that, crime.  

 

So yea, this movie made me beg the R-Rated gods above to drive a moon-sized steak into Stan Lee's mothball ridden chest cavity and end this legacy of suffering.  I rate Age of Dull'Tron a tender "plop" as I'm sure the daydream believers and homecoming queens have already salivated into their genuine, limited edition Antman keyboards and blogged about how they will name their first-born cats "Ultron"  in honor of how heavily they mouth breathed into their 3D glasses.  This movie is CGI hell, and I suggest you get a grip on your life and stop liking this trash.  

 

PS... it actually does has the exact same plot as Space Jam... think about it...


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#2 Mathijs

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Posted 09 May 2015 - 06:50 PM

Based on this review, I will be sure not to see it. Genuinely.


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#3 njm1983

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Posted 10 May 2015 - 01:50 AM

LOL what? what a cynical review. Whatever happened to just going to the movies to just enjoy yourself and step away from reality? Super hero movies arent really meant to be deeply thought about. Just think about that.


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#4 Pasidon

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Posted 10 May 2015 - 03:08 AM

Just accepting one's design for a movie is ultimately giving up on quality and depth.  In fact, that is a mindset of our current generation of movies.  People have given up on cynicism and complex thought when critiquing movies, and they will literally spend money on almost anything, as long as it looks high budget.  My evidence?  Every single preview to Age of Dull'tron was an exact remake of an older movie.  Every last one.  And they all are cut from the same slice of rotten beef from the 80's and 90's, which the same style of action, music, and writing.  And we'll keep getting that until you're quite literally dead.  For someone who has tastes, I detest movies like this that repeat the same bland family values and slightly altered plot lines, blunt action scenes, and bedrock grinding dialogue.  And that's all we're getting.  No... won't just enjoy something because I paid for it.  I want my money's worth.  And time.


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#5 Mathijs

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Posted 10 May 2015 - 01:40 PM

LOL what? what a cynical review. Whatever happened to just going to the movies to just enjoy yourself and step away from reality? Super hero movies arent really meant to be deeply thought about. Just think about that.

Whatever happened to doing that, you ask? I don't know, because as far as I know there have always been film critics. Pasidon's just more postmodern, really.

 

What amazes me is that Pasidon actually bothered to go see a film we both know would be terrible (despite whatever box office success it is sure to garner due to people not thinking about the films they see). I am guessing he got a free ticket.


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#6 njm1983

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Posted 10 May 2015 - 03:34 PM

I saw it too. With a free ticket. I enjoyed myself. His critique is fine, but if you examine the source material that all these characters come from you'll find they are full of the same pitfalls.

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#7 Mathijs

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Posted 10 May 2015 - 04:03 PM

Yeah. The problem I have with that though is that those pitfalls were part of a medium I was never interested in (American superhero comics) but are now transferred en masse to a medium I am interested in (American cinema). I haven't bothered to actually count but it feels like 50% of everything that is released now is superhero or superhero-derivative. It's everywhere and I only find so little of it good. 


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#8 njm1983

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Posted 10 May 2015 - 09:33 PM

I will admit, the market is becoming oversaturated with it. All the marvel films are actually interconnected and are setting up future films in the marvel universe. So you could say each film is a chapter all its own in a very big book. The longer these films go on the lesser amount general audiences will want to follow these films. I had no desire to see guardians of the galaxy, but the infinity stones, as well as some of the alien characters have been featured in Thor, Captain America and the Avengers films. Thanos an alien character has been manipulating events to gather these stones together.  

 

I will also admit that hollywood is full of garbage these days. Nearly everything coming out is a reboot or remake and they all suck balls. I also dont need every movie I see to be life changing either. 


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#9 Mathijs

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Posted 10 May 2015 - 10:14 PM

Not life-changing, but I at least like to recognize some cleverness or solid writing in every film I see. Lately whenever I go to check the rosters at mainstream theaters here (the ones playing mostly Hollywood stuff) I decide to spend the money on dinner instead. They're equally as expensive these days. :p


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#10 njm1983

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Posted 11 May 2015 - 03:10 AM

I share your sentiiments. Ive watched 2 films this year in cinema. Kingsmen and Age of Ultron. I will see Jurassic World - because ive loved dinosaurs since I was a kid. After that who knows....


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#11 Mathijs

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Posted 11 May 2015 - 10:20 AM

Precisely! I'll watch that for the same reason (and probably get disappointed anyway). :p


“The special quality of hell is to see everything clearly down to the last detail.” ~ Yukio Mishima, The Temple of the Golden Pavilion
 


#12 Bofur

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Posted 11 May 2015 - 03:50 PM

I loved Kingsman, what did you think of it NJM?


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#13 duke_Qa

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Posted 11 May 2015 - 09:37 PM

It's troublesome to try and run a cinema these days. I pray for a movie like this to come every month on average to raise my numbers. The best movie so far this year was Fast and Furious 7.

 

the currently most successful movies are action movies from Hollywood. Second after that are childrens movies, local children's movies, then a few movies made locally. Then we start dripping into thrillers, horror movies, comedies(very few comedies are succesful these days IME,)

 

Ultron I was hoping would hold up with FF7, but it seems to be sticking around 30-40% visits. Looking forward for Mad Max to save this month now...


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#14 Mathijs

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Posted 11 May 2015 - 10:47 PM

Do you think the new Star Wars film will beat FF7's numbers at your cinema?


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#15 njm1983

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Posted 12 May 2015 - 11:50 PM

I loved Kingsman, what did you think of it NJM?

 

Funny thing is I had gone in with no expectations. My dad wanted to see it for his birthday. Over all I was pleasantly surprised, I found myself laughing quite a bit - especially the end bit with the princess.

 

 

Precisely! I'll watch that for the same reason (and probably get disappointed anyway). :p

No disappointment for me, the premise is pretty clear at this point. with my expectations in the right place im all in for dinosaur action. Hoping T-rex kills the new dino


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#16 Beowulf

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Posted 08 June 2015 - 03:07 PM

I would rather watch Space Jam again than watch most modern movies.


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#17 Pasidon

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Posted 08 June 2015 - 07:14 PM

I recently gave a speech at a bunch of High-School kids on how Avengers ripped off Space Jam. It assembles a team of super stars to fight off foreign lifeforms that artificially enhance themselves so they would be strong enough to conquer the Earth to rebuild it.  Ultron wanted a utopia, yet the Mon-Stars wanted an amusement park... but the idea behind their motivations were pretty much the same.  

 

I would like to point out that Bill Murray should be insulted, since captain Receding Hairline (the robot man that could pick up Thor's Hammer) was an exact, yet blunt rip-off of his character.

 

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