The age of pun'thon returns in an action packed action package. Now with twice as many fake science words.
Woops. Sorry. This is a picture of Space Jam, not Age of Ultron. The amount of CGI and pre-teen comedy confused me.
Previously on the Average Guys, super heroes gathered together to cause more damage to America than 9/11 and Independence Day combined. Now they return to cause more damage than WWI and 90's pop music in other countries, to once again hold your face down in that urine stain of racial equality. The Avengers raid a small ethnographicly undetermined fortress in the country of WhatTheHeckIsThisPlace'ustan to accomplish... stuff. This is where the iron guy learns how to plagiarize other people's work, and spends a night learning how to create conveniently evil plot devices by declaring "woopies!" about 5 hours later. So he accidentally makes an artificial intelligence that learned everything from the internet, so it made sense why it was overly sarcastic and forgot simple words like "children." No, seriously... the world's most (diabolically) advanced AI forgot the word "children" at one point. This makes sense to me, since Google Chrome recognizes the word "Ultron" as a real word, but not "gamers."
Assemble, clumsy heroes of earth and other incredibly corny realms! Sir-buff-a-lot and his magical windmill hammer return with even more unnecessary ye'olde role-playing, along with Dr. Dufus and Mr. Smash, Captain America (who effectively does nothing, symbolic of the true enemy of America: diabetes), and everyone's favorite duo: the mortals that waste everyone's time. The Blunt Widow, and Archer Dude... What a waste of life. They prove that being a liability can be super! Our team of bumbling stereotypes charge on, fighting impoliteness by saying "please" and "thank you" even while in life and death situations. They even fight swearing, bad vibes, and scary people that don't use bright colors. But don't worry... it's all for the sake of comedy! We assembled quite the hilarious team of people, didn't we! Meanwhile, the earth threatens to get James Spader'ed to death. But we'll white noise all of that with some great bumbling and the sound of our heroes tightening their clown shoes. But they have to fight two new enemies as well: the twins. Who... actually aren't twins at all. And the female one has the power to reveal more cleavage the more good'er she becomes.
Well, I learned a lot about family values, about being honest with your friends, about how you can make great jokes even when innocent people are dying around you, and that team work is super. These lessons are super neat'o.... oh.... but wait a minute... the main plot was yet again about smashing things that have lots of LCD lights, WITH lots of LCD lights. Once again, I felt Stan Lee rolling over in his man-sized life coffin and looking for the off switch, because it was just more pointless smashing and joke-saying. When people are laughing at a woman falling to her death, just because she had a stupid face... that's when you realize that Ultron was actually right and that people need to be smashed with a derelict Siberian city. To death.
Luckily, we got introduced to a brand new hero that we can all gawk at: Captain Receding Hairline! He who had the ability to... erm... be pointless. But be pointless with an English Accent. Take that, crime.
So yea, this movie made me beg the R-Rated gods above to drive a moon-sized steak into Stan Lee's mothball ridden chest cavity and end this legacy of suffering. I rate Age of Dull'Tron a tender "plop" as I'm sure the daydream believers and homecoming queens have already salivated into their genuine, limited edition Antman keyboards and blogged about how they will name their first-born cats "Ultron" in honor of how heavily they mouth breathed into their 3D glasses. This movie is CGI hell, and I suggest you get a grip on your life and stop liking this trash.
PS... it actually does has the exact same plot as Space Jam... think about it...