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Rage Hammer- Jurassic Park

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#1 Pasidon

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Posted 10 June 2015 - 07:45 AM

Grab your grandpa and pull out your cotton gin, because it's time to take a magical journey back in time.... back to 1993.  When Wayne Knight was just obese enough to push down hills, and Jeff Goldblum was treated like an attractive person.  That man could not put his nipples away after a T-Rex bludgeoned off (ate?) his shirt. 

 

Welcome to Jurassic Park.  The first movie to ever make you constantly wonder if you're looking at mud or poop.  What do you do if you're a balding old man with a judo stick filled with dino DNA?  Stupid question... you terrorize awkwardly built adults and annoying children with satanic hell creatures that you pulled out of the primordial ooze of death.  Why?  It's fun!  We have confusing plot points, like making all of the dinosaurs females so they can't breed... but they end up breeding anyway?  Do you want to explain that, Mr. movie?  "We did!"  That's right!  Life finds a way... wait a minute... that explains nothing.  That's like wondering how fat hipsters successfully use E-Harmony, and explaining it by not explaining it.  Internet finds a way...

 

Our team of child hating bigots explore post apocalyptic Detroit to look at dinosaurs.  We saw a longasaurus rex, we saw a cageasaurus rex, we saw goat, we saw Jeff Goldbloom make us understand why every TV show he has been in has been canceled... we saw all the dinosaur!  Oh... but tragically, Wayne Knight wasn't actually good at his job and booger'ed everything up.  That's why you don't hire people from an Olive Garden in San Francisco.  So if you brought your kids to see a lighthearted CGI adventure about extinct satan creatures, prepare to be Titanic'ed once again and enter a fresh hell of fake animal cruelty and death.  But don't worry... your kids get to enjoy a little girl speaking in screams.  Kids love the rich taste of perpetual horror.

 

I rate this movie a jurassic fart, as I'm still attempting to get the horrendous smell of Jeff Goldblum's nipples out of my imaginary olfactory memory.  Watching 2 hours of brain-bleedingly annoying kids hiding real hard was like... watching 2 hours of brain-bleedingly annoying kids hiding real hard.  If you ask your grandpa for a movie to watch, make sure he doesn't hand you this load of dino Pee-Ew-NA.  Even though it's one of the top rated films of all time.  And one of the highest grossing movies in history.  ...  Yea.  More like highest grossest movie!  Hoyhoyhoy. 

 

 

Spoiler


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#2 Maximan

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Posted 10 June 2015 - 08:09 AM

just gonna leave this here

Spoiler


#3 Pasidon

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Posted 10 June 2015 - 08:19 AM

Heyyy... other people's comedy???  That's not fun.  But I'm glad to see my bad jokes are 900% better than that Microsoft text-to-speech horror show.  The dark fire will not avail you.  And that's Jurassic Park 3... I'm going to be popping that pimple in a few days, and make that pill bag creep look like a warm-up act to Jeff Foxworthy.


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#4 Maximan

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Posted 10 June 2015 - 08:59 AM

I really hope IMDb rates Jurassic Park 3, a 10/10, it really deserves it, a spotless masterpiece.



#5 Pasidon

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Posted 10 June 2015 - 09:04 AM

IMDB's ratting system is about a reliable as... hmm... I couldn't think of a comparative joke since that's about as unreliable as it gets.  


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#6 Mathijs

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Posted 10 June 2015 - 09:30 AM

No. 

 

No!

 

They could reproduce because of the frog DNA (little flimsy, but this was the 90s), Nedry was good at his job but intentionally sabotaged security (in terrible conjunction with the storm) to fill his can of shaving cream with dinosaur DNA.

 

I love Jurassic Park (and I love Jeff Goldblum's character in it), and none of your edgy look-at-me-I-hate-this-to-be-different crap will change that!

 


“The special quality of hell is to see everything clearly down to the last detail.” ~ Yukio Mishima, The Temple of the Golden Pavilion
 


#7 Pasidon

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Posted 10 June 2015 - 10:28 AM

No one has to be edgy to make an effective Goldblum insult.  In fact, this movie was the only successful man-child performance he was able to crawl through.  That spoiler picture I showed off is a display of the not-so-rare Goldblum mating call, and it is one that has lured many directors to crash their metaphorical ships into very real rocks.  

 

Some of us might remember a show that now only makes fabled appearances on TRUE TV's backlog channels these days called Tenspeed, where a young and disgustingly sweaty Goldblum spoke extremely vague words into the boom mic while being the world's first white token detective.  His mumbling performance only kept that show alive for barely half a season.

 

Since his failed one year turkey of a show, and after he learned how to suppress his obnoxiously hideous Hebrew accent, he had a slew of leftover bone projects.   One may also recall when he was given a second chance on TV in Raines, a show about Goldblum as a borderline mundane detective that talks to ghosts.  It didn't even last half a season.

 

Goldblum's acting career is a series of blooper reels.  The next Jurassic Park movie (which I may be harassing tomorrow) was him going full Jim Carry and becoming the laughing stock for all of time and space to hock at.  Take your faith out of that yak before it gets you hurt.


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#8 Mathijs

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    You ever heard the story about the scorpion and the frog?

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Posted 10 June 2015 - 11:08 AM

Retort:


“The special quality of hell is to see everything clearly down to the last detail.” ~ Yukio Mishima, The Temple of the Golden Pavilion
 


#9 OmegaBolt

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Posted 10 June 2015 - 05:29 PM

Wait. Wait. WAIT. What the fuck is this topic about... are you actually slagging off Jurassic Park? And, more seriously, are you actually slagging off Jeff Goldblum? His masterful performance in The Fly will forever cement him as a great performer, and Jurassic Park is another great character.

 


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#10 Pasidon

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Posted 10 June 2015 - 08:03 PM

I sometimes Rage Hammer things I like.  I just make it a rule to make sure no one knows if I like it or not.  Do I like Jurassic Park?  Oh course I... hmm... mysteries.  But I am actually currently doing a series of live riffing events this week on all of the Jurassic Parks.  Today is Lost world, and tomorrow is JP 3, just to get it perfectly aligned with the coming of Jurassic World on Friday.  Am I riffing that too?  Heck yea.  But the next two movies are legitimately terrible, so they'll be much funner to crack at. 


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