Grab your grandpa and pull out your cotton gin, because it's time to take a magical journey back in time.... back to 1993. When Wayne Knight was just obese enough to push down hills, and Jeff Goldblum was treated like an attractive person. That man could not put his nipples away after a T-Rex bludgeoned off (ate?) his shirt.
Welcome to Jurassic Park. The first movie to ever make you constantly wonder if you're looking at mud or poop. What do you do if you're a balding old man with a judo stick filled with dino DNA? Stupid question... you terrorize awkwardly built adults and annoying children with satanic hell creatures that you pulled out of the primordial ooze of death. Why? It's fun! We have confusing plot points, like making all of the dinosaurs females so they can't breed... but they end up breeding anyway? Do you want to explain that, Mr. movie? "We did!" That's right! Life finds a way... wait a minute... that explains nothing. That's like wondering how fat hipsters successfully use E-Harmony, and explaining it by not explaining it. Internet finds a way...
Our team of child hating bigots explore post apocalyptic Detroit to look at dinosaurs. We saw a longasaurus rex, we saw a cageasaurus rex, we saw goat, we saw Jeff Goldbloom make us understand why every TV show he has been in has been canceled... we saw all the dinosaur! Oh... but tragically, Wayne Knight wasn't actually good at his job and booger'ed everything up. That's why you don't hire people from an Olive Garden in San Francisco. So if you brought your kids to see a lighthearted CGI adventure about extinct satan creatures, prepare to be Titanic'ed once again and enter a fresh hell of fake animal cruelty and death. But don't worry... your kids get to enjoy a little girl speaking in screams. Kids love the rich taste of perpetual horror.
I rate this movie a jurassic fart, as I'm still attempting to get the horrendous smell of Jeff Goldblum's nipples out of my imaginary olfactory memory. Watching 2 hours of brain-bleedingly annoying kids hiding real hard was like... watching 2 hours of brain-bleedingly annoying kids hiding real hard. If you ask your grandpa for a movie to watch, make sure he doesn't hand you this load of dino Pee-Ew-NA. Even though it's one of the top rated films of all time. And one of the highest grossing movies in history. ... Yea. More like highest grossest movie! Hoyhoyhoy.