Jump to content


Photo

Rage Hammer- Jurassic World

rage hammer rage hammer

  • Please log in to reply
22 replies to this topic

#1 Pasidon

Pasidon

    Splitting Hares

  • Network Admins
  • 9,126 posts
  • Location:Indiana
  • Projects:Writing Words With Letters
  •  I Help
  • Division:Community
  • Job:Community Admin

Posted 13 June 2015 - 05:07 AM

LegoJurassicWorld.png

 

Ach... woops.  I accidentally got the LEGO Jurassic World poster.  My bad.  This movie looked like it was put together by a child, so I got super duper confuzzled.

 

Hey Mr. Spielberg.  "Hey bro."  I heard you're making a new Jurassic Park movie.  "That's right!"  You're not going to hire Goldblum as your main protagonist again... are you?  "No!  No, no, no..."  Oh, good.  I hate it when people hire scrawny comedians to play serious action roles.  "Me too.  Instead, we're going to hire Chris Pratt as our main protagonist."  Erm... wh-what?  No... you sweet baby boy... no... "I saw him eating trash and making fart jokes on Parks & Recreations... he's perfect!"  No... honey... please...

 

Welcome to Jurassic World!  Brought to you by Mercedes Benz.  A place where... ... guhh... I'll cut the crap. We've been through this 3 times.  You know what the deal is.  We recycle a few props... do a bit of film panning with some more film panning... OMG, that dino just escaped because of an irresponsible fat guy.  Now mommy is getting digested.  Thanks, diabetes.

 

Oh, woops... you brought your kids to see this movie???  No worries.  We remedied that by counter balancing the swearing and nightmarish violence by focusing the movie around two clueless urban dorks from (insert distastefully wealthy American suburb here) that have their childhoods nearly taken from them on several different occasions.  Your kids will love to relate being chased to death by nature's super predators. Just in case your dumb kids didn't relate to timmy and jimmy almost dying, then they'll give you a mouthful about their parents getting a divorce and how their lives will be ruined.  Now who can't relate to that?  And how their mom and her sister look like they're from two entirely different human genome projects, and they have problems communicating.  JURASSIC WORLD!!!  Brought to you by Mercedes Benz.

 

Yikes!  Our mega dinosaur escaped!  Who will save us?  Well... this character was a US soldier... he is an expert at taming wild animals... he's a perfect shot... he's an all-around hero.  Wow!  Who did they hire to play this American hero?  David Hasslehoff?  Vin Diesel?  Clint Eastwood (the world's first non-CGI or anametronic dinosaur)?  No!  Chris Pratt, silly.  He has a total of zero serious role experience (Guardians of the Galaxy was a joke, my children), has the body and mind of preschooler... so let's do it.  Should we give him a love interest?  Sure.  Let's find him a babe.  Let's see... ah!  How about one of Ron Howard's kids?  They're hideous without makeup, and their skin burns in pure-grade sunlight.  Perfect.  Start filming.

 

So Chris Pratt explores the wilderness of backwater Idaho...  Woopsies!  I mean backwater California, looking to kill a massive super-dinosaur that was bred from the nightmares of 10,000 demons.  Also, did I tell you Jurassic World was brought to you by Mercedes Benz?  It was.  Anyway...  Don't worry... Demonsaurus Rex thing can't even outrun 2 exhausted children, and Pratt brought his lever-action Lady Dillinger BB gun to save the day.  After an hour of that panning, we now return you to your program that consists of bed pans filled with the excreted anal sap from the collective hoard of butt-clenching nerds that are pawing at the film screen, because Spielberg has learned the sacred art of fan servicing.  Dino fights!  Dinosaurs riding other dinosaurs!  Dinosaurs breaking stuff!  Guns!  Explosions!  Cleavage!  Crying at dead things!  You like story?  Too bad!  

 

So I rate this movie a Jurassic pile of dino doo-doo.  I learned that training dinosaurs to fight terrorists is wrong, because it's only ethical when people kill terrorists.  I also learned that British people apparently deserve to die because they use their cell phone all day instead of watching after children that aren't theirs.  My home boys in the UK can toats relate.  I also learned about team work, how you should love your brother, and that family always comes first.  Truly touching... ... oh, wait, I don't actually care about those values.  My mistake.  Watching Bryce Howard be treated as a sex icon made my internal organs commit perpetual suicide, so I'm having trouble remembering what I actually wanted from this movie.  I know... my money back!  Huzza!  For ye' olde' Dino Kingdom, we ride!  

 

 

Spoiler



#2 Pasidon

Pasidon

    Splitting Hares

  • Network Admins
  • 9,126 posts
  • Location:Indiana
  • Projects:Writing Words With Letters
  •  I Help
  • Division:Community
  • Job:Community Admin

Posted 15 June 2015 - 01:45 AM

For a bonus sporkful of shame, I recently came to the conclusion that Spielberg ripped off the game, Brothers: a Tale of Two Sons.  How, you ask?  How about you leave the questions to me, you freak.

 

The two kids from Brothers:

258764-Brothers1Header.jpg

 

 

The two kids from Jurassic World:

 

71892.jpg

 

Hmm.... HMMMMMMM...



#3 Beowulf

Beowulf

    Shipgirl

  • Advisors
  • 7,219 posts
  •  Azur Lane Fangirl

Posted 15 June 2015 - 04:17 PM

This review makes me want to see this stunning masterpiece of cinematography.


NZ.org | BBPCG
Discord: The Astronomer#1314
Steam


#4 Pasidon

Pasidon

    Splitting Hares

  • Network Admins
  • 9,126 posts
  • Location:Indiana
  • Projects:Writing Words With Letters
  •  I Help
  • Division:Community
  • Job:Community Admin

Posted 15 June 2015 - 06:23 PM

It's actually not too bad.



#5 MattTheLegoman

MattTheLegoman

    LEGO Knight of Minas Ithil

  • T3A Staff
  • 3,669 posts
  • Location:Tomorrow, when the War began
  • Projects:Mapping this Middle-earth
  •  Mapper
  • Division:BFME
  • Job:T3A Staff

Posted 16 June 2015 - 03:41 PM

I enjoyed it, but the three year old who was a couple of rows down from where I was sitting is going to have nightmares.


Edited by MattTheLegoman, 16 June 2015 - 04:07 PM.

Remember that all worlds draw to an end and that noble death is a treasure which no one is too poor to buy. - C.S. Lewis

There will come a time when you believe everything is finished. That will be the beginning. - Louis L'Amour

What will matter then will be people. If relationships will matter most then, shouldn't they matter most now? - Max Lucado


#6 Mathijs

Mathijs

    Post-modern Shaman

  • Network Leaders
  • 13,756 posts
  • Projects:Age of the Ring
  • Division:Revora
  • Job:Leader

Posted 16 June 2015 - 04:12 PM

This was one of the worst films I've ever seen, and here is why:

  • Cliché after cliché after cliché after stupid cliché. 
  • Default action hero: check. At least the previous films had decently interesting characters that we could relate to (for me that was mostly Jeff Goldblum, of course).
  • Evil (private?) army guy wanting to use the cool inventions for military purposes but ends up getting killed by them. Of course. 
  • Wait, using Velociraptors for military purposes? How did this guy get to his apparent rank? That's the dumbest idea ever!
  • The kids' redhead aunt is expected to be really close to them, and we're supposed to hate her for not being able to spend all day with these kids at her place of work. Really? That phone call between the mother and the aunt was so bad
  • Indominus Rex. It's funny how life imitates art; with good writing, a Jurassic Park film shouldn't need a made-up flashy dinosaur to draw in a crowd. Like in the park, this over-the-top writing ended up being a disaster to the film's credibility.
  • This film is supposed to take place in 2015, right? What's with all the extremely flashy tech being flung around everywhere? Those sci-fi screens, those touch pads, why not make it a realistic working environment? When you want to sell the idea of people cloning dinosaurs, make sure the stuff surrounding it is grounded in reality. That's what made the original Jurassic Park believable for me. They were handling security on era-appropriate technology, not the god-damn Enterprise.
  • Doing the same scene three or more times. That's how often I saw a scene of people trying to stay quiet while the Indominus Rex's giant white head was creeping closer. 
  • Indominus Rex communicating with the Velociraptors somehow. Why? Because it had Velociraptor DNA, silly!
  • PRODUCT PLACEMENT. Beats By Dré, Pepsi, Mercedes Benz, and I surely missed others.
  • Jimmy Fallon's safety instruction video. Don't believe me? Go watch it. What a spectacularly conceived device to take me right out of the film (not that I was really into it).
  • They had a decently interesting character in Masrani. So they killed him halfway through.
  • Bad CGI. Indominus Rex's movements didn't feel like they had the proper weight behind them, the raptors didn't look properly lit, etc. Why not use more animatronics like they did for the first three? Those creatures looked so much more real thanks to the blend of practical and CG effects. Of course, the one short scene were they obviously used an animatronic, the stupid thing looked bad. Ughhhh.
  • Chris Pratt went from barely able to lea/control his raptors using everything he had to controlling them with little more than a shake of his head within less than 24 hours. 
  • Teenage boys like girls. We get it. We get it!

I could go on and on.

 

Shout out to the Mosasaur, though. I've been to the place where it was first discovered. Not sure why it had to be included in that terrible finale, though. 


No fuel left for the pilgrims


#7 MattTheLegoman

MattTheLegoman

    LEGO Knight of Minas Ithil

  • T3A Staff
  • 3,669 posts
  • Location:Tomorrow, when the War began
  • Projects:Mapping this Middle-earth
  •  Mapper
  • Division:BFME
  • Job:T3A Staff

Posted 16 June 2015 - 05:26 PM

I enjoyed:

  • The Mosasaurus at the end.

  • Someone recognisable from the first movie - the head inGen scientist. And I like his character.

 

I appreciated some of the cameos from the first two movies (spoilers):

Spoiler

 

Obvious advertising was obvious! I didn't see any LEGO so here we go.

 

lego-jurassic-world-wallpaper.png


Remember that all worlds draw to an end and that noble death is a treasure which no one is too poor to buy. - C.S. Lewis

There will come a time when you believe everything is finished. That will be the beginning. - Louis L'Amour

What will matter then will be people. If relationships will matter most then, shouldn't they matter most now? - Max Lucado


#8 Pasidon

Pasidon

    Splitting Hares

  • Network Admins
  • 9,126 posts
  • Location:Indiana
  • Projects:Writing Words With Letters
  •  I Help
  • Division:Community
  • Job:Community Admin

Posted 16 June 2015 - 08:06 PM

Speaking of cameos, Jeff Goldblum was actually in the movie.  You had to be paying very close attention to the nerd's desk.

 

And if someone didn't guess that Demonsaurus Rex had Raptor DNA, then they were watching the wrong movie.  Why was that classified?  Because of Jimmy Fallon?  That's my guess.



#9 Beowulf

Beowulf

    Shipgirl

  • Advisors
  • 7,219 posts
  •  Azur Lane Fangirl

Posted 17 June 2015 - 04:15 PM

Jimmy Fallon

Interest in movie destroyed. I don't like Fallon.


NZ.org | BBPCG
Discord: The Astronomer#1314
Steam


#10 Pasidon

Pasidon

    Splitting Hares

  • Network Admins
  • 9,126 posts
  • Location:Indiana
  • Projects:Writing Words With Letters
  •  I Help
  • Division:Community
  • Job:Community Admin

Posted 17 June 2015 - 06:35 PM

Good.  He's a walking iAnything advertisement on his actual show, and a disgrace to replace Connan O'Brian.  



#11 Mathijs

Mathijs

    Post-modern Shaman

  • Network Leaders
  • 13,756 posts
  • Projects:Age of the Ring
  • Division:Revora
  • Job:Leader

Posted 17 June 2015 - 07:08 PM

 

Jimmy Fallon

Interest in movie destroyed. I don't like Fallon.

 

I barely know the guy, but combined with all the real life brands polluting the film, having an actual American celebrity pop up destroyed what little interest I had.

 

By the way, I really enjoyed this review:

http://www.pajiba.co...and-bad-cgi.php


No fuel left for the pilgrims


#12 Pasidon

Pasidon

    Splitting Hares

  • Network Admins
  • 9,126 posts
  • Location:Indiana
  • Projects:Writing Words With Letters
  •  I Help
  • Division:Community
  • Job:Community Admin

Posted 17 June 2015 - 07:36 PM

Swearing?!  That guy really know how to express himself!



#13 Mathijs

Mathijs

    Post-modern Shaman

  • Network Leaders
  • 13,756 posts
  • Projects:Age of the Ring
  • Division:Revora
  • Job:Leader

Posted 17 June 2015 - 07:47 PM

The swearing was nothing short of eloquent.


No fuel left for the pilgrims


#14 Pasidon

Pasidon

    Splitting Hares

  • Network Admins
  • 9,126 posts
  • Location:Indiana
  • Projects:Writing Words With Letters
  •  I Help
  • Division:Community
  • Job:Community Admin

Posted 18 June 2015 - 10:07 PM

A grown man just told me that he liked this movie... I'm actually seeing a trend of Americans claiming to like it, while not-so-much anyone else.  



#15 Mathijs

Mathijs

    Post-modern Shaman

  • Network Leaders
  • 13,756 posts
  • Projects:Age of the Ring
  • Division:Revora
  • Job:Leader

Posted 18 June 2015 - 10:23 PM

Well what did you expect? It lazily ticks all the boxes Americans like seeing ticked.


No fuel left for the pilgrims


#16 Pasidon

Pasidon

    Splitting Hares

  • Network Admins
  • 9,126 posts
  • Location:Indiana
  • Projects:Writing Words With Letters
  •  I Help
  • Division:Community
  • Job:Community Admin

Posted 18 June 2015 - 10:44 PM

But it didn't have any songs about 9/11, or reminders of freedom,



#17 Mathijs

Mathijs

    Post-modern Shaman

  • Network Leaders
  • 13,756 posts
  • Projects:Age of the Ring
  • Division:Revora
  • Job:Leader

Posted 18 June 2015 - 11:00 PM

I dunno, I thought the unnecessarily brutal death of that one woman was 9/11ish. Plus, the dinosaur did escape. That's freedom. 


No fuel left for the pilgrims


#18 Pasidon

Pasidon

    Splitting Hares

  • Network Admins
  • 9,126 posts
  • Location:Indiana
  • Projects:Writing Words With Letters
  •  I Help
  • Division:Community
  • Job:Community Admin

Posted 18 June 2015 - 11:37 PM

That woman was British.  Her death was a reminder of our Independence Day, which did bring a patriotic tear to us all.  But now that I think about it, that Arab guy crashing his helicopter into that building was a good reminder of 9/11.  And that really dumb army guy that gave a speech afterwards was like George W. Bush telling me how to feel.  Maybe I should have saluted that scene... dunno.



#19 Beowulf

Beowulf

    Shipgirl

  • Advisors
  • 7,219 posts
  •  Azur Lane Fangirl

Posted 22 June 2015 - 03:57 PM

You mean you didn't stand up and salute while playing a banjo while singing about how great America is? You disgust me, Pasidon. How dare you...


NZ.org | BBPCG
Discord: The Astronomer#1314
Steam


#20 Mathijs

Mathijs

    Post-modern Shaman

  • Network Leaders
  • 13,756 posts
  • Projects:Age of the Ring
  • Division:Revora
  • Job:Leader

Posted 22 June 2015 - 04:38 PM

So, Beo, have you managed not to spend money on this? If so, I salute you.


No fuel left for the pilgrims





0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users