Ach... woops. I accidentally got the LEGO Jurassic World poster. My bad. This movie looked like it was put together by a child, so I got super duper confuzzled.
Hey Mr. Spielberg. "Hey bro." I heard you're making a new Jurassic Park movie. "That's right!" You're not going to hire Goldblum as your main protagonist again... are you? "No! No, no, no..." Oh, good. I hate it when people hire scrawny comedians to play serious action roles. "Me too. Instead, we're going to hire Chris Pratt as our main protagonist." Erm... wh-what? No... you sweet baby boy... no... "I saw him eating trash and making fart jokes on Parks & Recreations... he's perfect!" No... honey... please...
Welcome to Jurassic World! Brought to you by Mercedes Benz. A place where... ... guhh... I'll cut the crap. We've been through this 3 times. You know what the deal is. We recycle a few props... do a bit of film panning with some more film panning... OMG, that dino just escaped because of an irresponsible fat guy. Now mommy is getting digested. Thanks, diabetes.
Oh, woops... you brought your kids to see this movie??? No worries. We remedied that by counter balancing the swearing and nightmarish violence by focusing the movie around two clueless urban dorks from (insert distastefully wealthy American suburb here) that have their childhoods nearly taken from them on several different occasions. Your kids will love to relate being chased to death by nature's super predators. Just in case your dumb kids didn't relate to timmy and jimmy almost dying, then they'll give you a mouthful about their parents getting a divorce and how their lives will be ruined. Now who can't relate to that? And how their mom and her sister look like they're from two entirely different human genome projects, and they have problems communicating. JURASSIC WORLD!!! Brought to you by Mercedes Benz.
Yikes! Our mega dinosaur escaped! Who will save us? Well... this character was a US soldier... he is an expert at taming wild animals... he's a perfect shot... he's an all-around hero. Wow! Who did they hire to play this American hero? David Hasslehoff? Vin Diesel? Clint Eastwood (the world's first non-CGI or anametronic dinosaur)? No! Chris Pratt, silly. He has a total of zero serious role experience (Guardians of the Galaxy was a joke, my children), has the body and mind of preschooler... so let's do it. Should we give him a love interest? Sure. Let's find him a babe. Let's see... ah! How about one of Ron Howard's kids? They're hideous without makeup, and their skin burns in pure-grade sunlight. Perfect. Start filming.
So Chris Pratt explores the wilderness of backwater Idaho... Woopsies! I mean backwater California, looking to kill a massive super-dinosaur that was bred from the nightmares of 10,000 demons. Also, did I tell you Jurassic World was brought to you by Mercedes Benz? It was. Anyway... Don't worry... Demonsaurus Rex thing can't even outrun 2 exhausted children, and Pratt brought his lever-action Lady Dillinger BB gun to save the day. After an hour of that panning, we now return you to your program that consists of bed pans filled with the excreted anal sap from the collective hoard of butt-clenching nerds that are pawing at the film screen, because Spielberg has learned the sacred art of fan servicing. Dino fights! Dinosaurs riding other dinosaurs! Dinosaurs breaking stuff! Guns! Explosions! Cleavage! Crying at dead things! You like story? Too bad!
So I rate this movie a Jurassic pile of dino doo-doo. I learned that training dinosaurs to fight terrorists is wrong, because it's only ethical when people kill terrorists. I also learned that British people apparently deserve to die because they use their cell phone all day instead of watching after children that aren't theirs. My home boys in the UK can toats relate. I also learned about team work, how you should love your brother, and that family always comes first. Truly touching... ... oh, wait, I don't actually care about those values. My mistake. Watching Bryce Howard be treated as a sex icon made my internal organs commit perpetual suicide, so I'm having trouble remembering what I actually wanted from this movie. I know... my money back! Huzza! For ye' olde' Dino Kingdom, we ride!