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Rage Hammer- Beyond: Two Souls

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#1 Pasidon


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Posted 22 July 2015 - 11:52 PM

What's that smell?  Something stanky came out of David Cage's mystery microwave again?  Well... he pulled out the meat and stuck an ethereal fork in it, back in 2013, but we can still remember the stench today.




Beyond is a "story" driven "game" that features a little girl name Jodie and her spooky jerk ghost friend named Aiden, that only exists to knock expensive things over and troll people into a bitter death.  She and ghost mobster get unfostered because it turns out her dad was literally urban Hitler, and dumped them on some spooky science lab under the care of William "The Foe" Dafoe.  We get to experience this little girl's life and decide how badly we want to screw it up... comedy gold!  


When you get done crying over how knocking over one desk lamp can escalate into triple homicide, you get to experience the true thrill of the game: gettin' hitched!  David Cage finally fulfilled our greatest fantasies and figured out how to combine Ghost Busters and a Japanese dating sim, and did it in the most awkward way possible.  After you get done tormenting people and playing Metal Gear Spooky, you get to share your most memorable life moments with your three favorite dating candidates!  Would you like to date your milky white drill sergeant that ripped you from your fake family and tricked you killing the best dad in Africa?  Or perhaps hook up with two Navajo hunks that you knew for two days, causing their father and saggy lipped grandma to meet their miserable deaths in a pit of ghosts?  Or maybe you want to spit on your dating pool and just live with homeless people that forced a lifetime responsibility and grief on you for a whole day? Soooo many choices!


If you love watching people be depressed, I think you came to the right place... because that's all it is.  Plus or minus one snotty plot that involves the end of the world, which is the David Cage usual.  Jodie's life story is all over the place, and I kept on asking her to come back when she can figure out how to form a full sentence without stuttering.  Good writing magically gets transmogrified into a steaming hot bowl of crackerjack action vomit, where no character speaks like a normal human being.  But sorry kids... you won't be able to light your cigarette AND play this game, since the controls are about as apparent to figure out as a giant superconductor made of fully clothed ghosts.  I rate this cut-scene simulator a wholesome two and a half souls, which is a rating about a vague as the plot.  


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