Deadpool. If you're looking for the forum about the decline of billiard pool in the 21st century, that's another blog I saddle in the late hours. No, this is about a super-something action thing called Deadpool. Genres: torture porn, swearing, male genital obsessions. If Dr. Freud was still alive, this movie would be the introduction to his books about phallic worship. I can save you 12 bucks / 30 pirated gigabytes by directing you to google.com, where you can just look up fine quality penis jokes without having to listen to dungeon nerds and internet trolls laughing at Ryan Reynold's deformed face. And that's just before they put the makeup and mask on him. Wow... I make a joke without swearing or referencing sex things. STAY AWAY. MY COMEDY BLEEDS POISON.
Well Pasidon, other than the writers pointing out that male gentiles DO IN FACT exist, what else were these 1.5 hours of mouthy metaphors about? Well, Wade Wilson (not to be confused with DC's Slade Wilson (aka Deathstroke (akaka probably not a coincidence))) becomes an ugly murderer that says white people jokes. His origin story takes up about half of the movie, and it's pretty much about him being an ordinary pervert that gets a girl friend, then gets cancer. Great origin, bro. And the rest of the movie is about him becoming Deadpool and killing people. Because that's funny, I think.
Uhh.. also cue in X Men ties and how two random mutants join in on the "fun." Yes, our hero has to hire other heroes to do his work. But don't worry, you don't actually have to look at Ryan Reynolds that much. Thankfully. In fact, he's hidden behind 50 pounds of latex and rubber so often, Reynolds is probably considered the "comedy" double for the actual stunt actor.
Look... just don't watch it. Please. The only thing this movie is good for is making penicillin from the thousands of unsold DVDs it's bound to spew from its festering pits. Deadpool? More like cesspool. This movie is HARD to watch. Ha. Take that penis joke and shove it up your penis hole, Stan Lee. IF THAT EVEN IS YOUR REAL NAME. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to be taken out back and be beaten until I feel better about myself.