31 replies to this topic

[isaac103]

So I have taken the liberty of writing my own story for Mental Omega. Set in 2040 during the final battle in the Antarctic, a combined Soviet/American taskforce, led by Captain Daniel Downs of the U.S. Army has gathered with the strike team to deal Yuri's Epsilon forces what might be their final blow. Will they make it happen? Find out in this exciting story. (It is still very much a work in progress since I plan to revise this story as part of my final for my Fiction Writing course) 

 

https://www.dropbox....ision.docx?dl=0

 

Enjoy!

 

Feel free to leave any feedback and how I can improve the story. Any suggestions would be very welcome for sure!  

 

[NorthFireZ]

I'm not sure how to say this but, I suggest you take a look at this: http://thewritepract...om/write-story/ Your ideas, while good, lack vision. There's a clear lack of descriptions and development.

 

For example, "Three light tanks, armed with 75mm cannons, and two tanks armed with machine guns..." could be rewritten as... I counted two, no three, fast hitters. Tanks with rounded frames made up of 'smart' polymers, reducing armor, but doubling top speed. Their speeding threads kicking up waves of snow and ice behind them. A triforce of 75-millimeter barrels primed to tear up anything that can all itself a light vehicle, and three spikes placed in front of the frame made sure no infantry can survive an impact. Good thing they don't see me, or my Humvee. Behind them were a pair of slower yet equally as frightening armor units. Those tanks adopted more of a traditional design of a tank, smooth round turret on top and a rectangular armored core. On top of the turrets of the trailing vehicles were two half exposed Initiates lazily manning their respective .50 cal mounted machine guns.  

 

I highly recommend you take a look at my own fanfiction for Mental Omega, https://www.fanficti...1/At-Mind-s-End I do not consider myself a proficient writer, I still think it is worthy of being an example. Especially chapter two. 

 

Do not confuse these criticisms as negative comments, I am merely trying to help you become a better writer! There is something to be had here, especially if you continuously develop Daniel as a character. KEEP WRITING, DO NOT STOP! That is the most important tip I can give you. There is no limit to how much writing can grow! 

 

Check out my Fanfiction Forum if you want. I have also posted a wattpad link there for anyone who does not like the FanFiction format, https://forums.revor...t-the-oven-○口○/

Edited by NorthFireZ, 26 March 2017 - 11:32 PM.

[isaac103]

Thanks for the feedback! Also I forgot to mention that people in my Fiction Writing class were not used to my genre since they don't play the Command and Conquer series at all. So hence the reason I'm trying to make the story more accessible to everyone. 

 

I'll be reading your story when I have a free moment. I look forward to what your version of the Mental Omega story-line is about. 

[Lasombra]

 

For example, "Three light tanks, armed with 75mm cannons, and two tanks armed with machine guns..." could be rewritten as... I counted two, no three, fast hitters. Tanks with rounded frames made up of 'smart' polymers, reducing armor, but doubling top speed. Their speeding threads kicking up waves of snow and ice behind them. A triforce of 75-millimeter barrels primed to tear up anything that can all itself a light vehicle, and three spikes placed in front of the frame made sure no infantry can survive an impact. Good thing they don't see me, or my Humvee. Behind them were a pair of slower yet equally as frightening armor units. Those tanks adopted more of a traditional design of a tank, smooth round turret on top and a rectangular armored core. On top of the turrets of the trailing vehicles were two half exposed Initiates lazily manning their respective .50 cal mounted machine guns. 

 

People should be careful with this kind of writing style. I have seen many examples of really poor writing (that got published, gods save this forsaken realm) where the author was obviously lacking ideas or skill and used technical specifications to compensate. As a result you get a wall of text which looks like the author was looking at a Wikipedia page about the relevant firearm or vehicle and writing the text with one hand.

 

Don't do that. All those exact numbers of calibers and such are useful to build up the atmosphere in certain cases, but in general - add too much of them, and they will only clutter the text. Your example is good, but it is too easy to lose the balance.

Edited by Lasombra, 27 March 2017 - 09:30 AM.

[isaac103]

I don't understand where you are going with this? Care to help me out a bit more? My final for the Fiction Writing course is to revise the story. 

[Lasombra]

I don't understand where you are going with this? Care to help me out a bit more? My final for the Fiction Writing course is to revise the story.

 

 

Adding too much technical specifications and details into the story can ruin it if you do it wrong.

 

If it is written for general audience, they can be easily bored when you describe with too much attention every cannon, every caliber and every single screw and rivet.

 

American vehicles opened fire with their 105mm cannons and anti-tank missiles, destroying the Epsilon patrol

 

In most cases, if it is not absolutely essential to the story, the reader does not care whether the caliber of the gun is 75, 105, 125 or 152 mm.

 

If you write and mention tanks, you can easily use their codenames (since the war is obviously waged for a long time and they are known), then you can later mention something like "Lashers, Epsilon's main battle tanks", etc.

 

NorthFireZ also gave you a good example how to reshape the text better.

 

 

You should also check spelling. I have definitely seen klick and calibar in the text.

 

 

 

Looking at the superweapon, which was as big as a ten-story sky-scraper

 

 

Well, ten stories is not a very large building, I can't say this is a skyscraper - it will be somewhere around 25-30 meters in height. If it is, then I live in a nine-story skyscraper.

 

I don't like to refer to Wikipedia, but even it agrees with me:

 

A skyscraper is a tall, continuously habitable building having multiple floors. When the term was originally used in the 1880s it described a building of 10 to 20 floors but now describes one of at least 40–50 floors.

Edited by Lasombra, 27 March 2017 - 03:23 PM.

[NorthFireZ]

Usually, writing in the technical specifics work in a war setting, but it is not required. What was important was the actual description, the feel of object interacting with the environment. The smell of pungent smoke coming from the engines. The sight of cobbled together armor plating. The touch of cool rivets holding the tank together. These are the things you should foucus on.

By the way, no tank in Mental Omega currently owns a 75mm anti armor cannon. With the smallest caliber being 90mm.

[isaac103]

So in order to appeal to the masses, I need to basically describe the setting where the story takes place and make the reader feel like (s)he is there, correct? 

Revisions start the week after next (since next week is my spring break)

[Lasombra]

So in order to appeal to the masses, I need to basically describe the setting where the story takes place and make the reader feel like (s)he is there, correct? 

Revisions start the week after next (since next week is my spring breakYes it

 

Yes. Try to think about your average reader.

 

Your audience is likely to have no idea about warfare, military, engineering, strategy games and Mental Omega.

 

By the way, since you write about the Antarctic operation, be sure to mention that the soldiers are somehow prepared for the extreme conditions. Yuri's army might be genetically engineered to ignore temperatures like -50°C or -70°C, but an average trooper from the US or any other army will quickly lose any ability to fight if not prepared well.

[isaac103]

 

So in order to appeal to the masses, I need to basically describe the setting where the story takes place and make the reader feel like (s)he is there, correct? 

Revisions start the week after next (since next week is my spring breakYes it

 

Yes. Try to think about your average reader.

 

Your audience is likely to have no idea about warfare, military, engineering, strategy games and Mental Omega.

 

By the way, since you write about the Antarctic operation, be sure to mention that the soldiers are somehow prepared for the extreme conditions. Yuri's army might be genetically engineered to ignore temperatures like -50°C or -70°C, but an average trooper from the US or any other army will quickly lose any ability to fight if not prepared well.

 

Oh. Good idea! Almost forgot about that. How would I go about describing that since I have no idea what a typical Army soldier would wear in such extreme cold conditions......O.o 

 

Also, how old would Yuri have really been at the conclusion of the Third World War? I am thinking about making some adjustments here so my story is somewhat close to the Mental Omega timeline.......

[Lasombra]

Oh. Good idea! Almost forgot about that. How would I go about describing that since I have no idea what a typical Army soldier would wear in such extreme cold conditions......O.o 

 

Also, how old would Yuri have really been at the conclusion of the Third World War? I am thinking about making some adjustments here so my story is somewhat close to the Mental Omega timeline.......

 

 

You can add that before chronoshifting they made some preparations and put on some Arctic gear. Warm coats, protective goggles, face masks, winter camouflage, etc.

 

I've attached several examples of real life drills from Arctic or other cold regions. Two photos of Russian troops from recent Arctic drills, Norwegian special forces and a US Army Ranger.

 

 

As for Yuri's age, it was never stated in original games. His actor, Udo Kier, was about 56-57 years old when they were filming FMVs for Red Alert 2 and Yuri's Revenge. Still, Yuri is a gifted psychic with access to genetic engineering. We have no idea how long he can live and if he can die of old age at all.

Attached Thumbnails

• 
• 
• 
• 

[isaac103]

Nice! This will give me some ideas as to what to include in my paper in order to elongate it.  

 

Also, I am under the understanding that the Mental Omega War takes place two years upon conclusion of the Third World War right? (I'm combining the end of the vanilla Red Alert 2 with the Mental Omega War from the mod, not this Yuri's Revenge crap)

[NorthFireZ]

Not quite... of course you are entitled to your own timeline, but the canon Mental Omega plot line actually replaces the original RA2. Minor variations in the past caused the entire world to change. It's simply not just Red Alert anymore. The first RA is entirely canon, however.

I recommend you read the short story, the Sound of Thunder, as one of the best examples of a fanfiction format.

[isaac103]

Ah, I see. Makes sense now. Woot! 

 

I'll read the fanfiction story "The Sound of Thunder" when I get a chance to this weekend.  

 

(Now I wonder if Speeder will put in my idea of an Irakalla Fortress with railguns and anti-aircraft lasers as a boss for the final Act II missions or maybe as an epic unit?)  

[Handepsilon]

Or challenge.

 

We do have Thors with Prisms, Battleship cannons, Rocket Launchers, and God knows what else (see Thunder God co-op)

 

Btw, it's Irkalla

Edited by Handepsilon, 29 March 2017 - 05:54 AM.

[isaac103]

Or challenge.

 

We do have Thors with Prisms, Battleship cannons, Rocket Launchers, and God knows what else (see Thunder God co-op)

haha let's piss people off even more.  

[isaac103]

How big is Irkalla in diameter and how tall is it if you were to build the aircraft in real life? I'm still in the process of revising my paper.  

[isaac103]

Here's the updated story for those who are interested. It is a work in progress by the way. Revisions start next Monday and run until May 1st (which is when finals week is.

 

https://www.dropbox....ision.docx?dl=0

[isaac103]

I hate to bring this post up again but tomorrow, I'll be doing some more revision in my Fiction Writing class. Anyone want to do more revising so I can make it more accessible to a general audience? If not, then I guess this post will be closed then. :/ 

[Lasombra]

I hate to bring this post up again but tomorrow, I'll be doing some more revision in my Fiction Writing class. Anyone want to do more revising so I can make it more accessible to a general audience? If not, then I guess this post will be closed then. :/ 

 

The new version seems to be looking better than the previous one. You should revise your spelling and sentence structure before submitting.

 

 

>Romanov’s advisor Yuri, who oversaw the Soviet Union’s mind control division when was twenty years old

 

Instead of the Soviet Union’s mind control division you can say the Soviet mind control division or the mind control division of the Soviet Army. The end of the sentence (when was twenty years old) sounds rather awkward and unclear (you have apparently omitted the subject in this subordinate clause). If you mean Yuri, then you should add that he was twenty years old.

 

 

 

>The Yuri clone immediately ordered that Mental Omega be switched on and be ready to activate. Typing in a series of commands, lights in the room flickered as the machine began to power up.

 

You should rewrite the second sentence because it sounds as if THE LIGHTS are typing in the commands, which sounds quite awkward. You can say While commands were being typed in… to avoid this.

 

 

 

>In a nearby underground hanger, a large airship began preparing for take-off, its crew prepping the weapons and getting ready for the fight.

 

This one is a common mistake (at least I see it often in fan fiction). Do not confuse HANGER (a thing for hanging clothes/something else) and HANGAR (a structure for housing aircraft).

 

Here you also have two verbs, preparing and prepping. They sound very similar (and mean the same thing), so it would be better to replace one of them (for example, replace prepping the weapons by charging the weapons). I am not also sure that the definite article is needed for weapons (they weren't preparing specific weapons we mentioned earlier, they were preparing all armaments of the entire craft).

 

 

 

>Along its underbelly in the center were six anti-aircraft lasers cannons along with six rapid-fire air to ground railguns, all spread out in a spiraling alternating pattern.

 

Lasers cannons: you don't need the plural for laser. Laser cannons will work just fine.

Air to ground: this should be hyphenated (-), air-to-ground.