I hate to bring this post up again but tomorrow, I'll be doing some more revision in my Fiction Writing class. Anyone want to do more revising so I can make it more accessible to a general audience? If not, then I guess this post will be closed then. :/
The new version seems to be looking better than the previous one. You should revise your spelling and sentence structure before submitting.
>Romanov’s advisor Yuri, who oversaw the Soviet Union’s mind control division when was twenty years old
Instead of the Soviet Union’s mind control division you can say the Soviet mind control division or the mind control division of the Soviet Army. The end of the sentence (when was twenty years old) sounds rather awkward and unclear (you have apparently omitted the subject in this subordinate clause). If you mean Yuri, then you should add that he was twenty years old.
>The Yuri clone immediately ordered that Mental Omega be switched on and be ready to activate. Typing in a series of commands, lights in the room flickered as the machine began to power up.
You should rewrite the second sentence because it sounds as if THE LIGHTS are typing in the commands, which sounds quite awkward. You can say While commands were being typed in… to avoid this.
>In a nearby underground hanger, a large airship began preparing for take-off, its crew prepping the weapons and getting ready for the fight.
This one is a common mistake (at least I see it often in fan fiction). Do not confuse HANGER (a thing for hanging clothes/something else) and HANGAR (a structure for housing aircraft).
Here you also have two verbs, preparing and prepping. They sound very similar (and mean the same thing), so it would be better to replace one of them (for example, replace prepping the weapons by charging the weapons). I am not also sure that the definite article is needed for weapons (they weren't preparing specific weapons we mentioned earlier, they were preparing all armaments of the entire craft).
>Along its underbelly in the center were six anti-aircraft lasers cannons along with six rapid-fire air to ground railguns, all spread out in a spiraling alternating pattern.
Lasers cannons: you don't need the plural for laser. Laser cannons will work just fine.
Air to ground: this should be hyphenated (-), air-to-ground.
Crap.....Totally did not see those easy to fix mistakes....grrr.......btw, the final revision isn't due until the 8th of May which happens the around the last day of finals for everyone......hoping for more changes as this story improves towards that end-goal.
Thanks for the feedback! I really appreciate it! Hoping to hear from more people if possible since there's a possibility that my classmates still won't know what is going on with the story. Also, should I change the name of the title?
