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My Fanfiction Story For Mental Omega

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#21 isaac103

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Posted 17 April 2017 - 11:37 AM

 

I hate to bring this post up again but tomorrow, I'll be doing some more revision in my Fiction Writing class. Anyone want to do more revising so I can make it more accessible to a general audience? If not, then I guess this post will be closed then. :/ 

 

The new version seems to be looking better than the previous one. You should revise your spelling and sentence structure before submitting.

 

 

>Romanov’s advisor Yuri, who oversaw the Soviet Union’s mind control division when was twenty years old

 

Instead of the Soviet Union’s mind control division you can say the Soviet mind control division or the mind control division of the Soviet Army. The end of the sentence (when was twenty years old) sounds rather awkward and unclear (you have apparently omitted the subject in this subordinate clause). If you mean Yuri, then you should add that he was twenty years old.

 

 

 

>The Yuri clone immediately ordered that Mental Omega be switched on and be ready to activate. Typing in a series of commands, lights in the room flickered as the machine began to power up.

 

You should rewrite the second sentence because it sounds as if THE LIGHTS are typing in the commands, which sounds quite awkward. You can say While commands were being typed in… to avoid this.

 

 

 

>In a nearby underground hanger, a large airship began preparing for take-off, its crew prepping the weapons and getting ready for the fight.

 

This one is a common mistake (at least I see it often in fan fiction). Do not confuse HANGER (a thing for hanging clothes/something else) and HANGAR (a structure for housing aircraft).

 

Here you also have two verbs, preparing and prepping. They sound very similar (and mean the same thing), so it would be better to replace one of them (for example, replace prepping the weapons by charging the weapons). I am not also sure that the definite article is needed for weapons (they weren't preparing specific weapons we mentioned earlier, they were preparing all armaments of the entire craft).

 

 

 

>Along its underbelly in the center were six anti-aircraft lasers cannons along with six rapid-fire air to ground railguns, all spread out in a spiraling alternating pattern.

 

Lasers cannons: you don't need the plural for laser. Laser cannons will work just fine.

Air to ground: this should be hyphenated (-), air-to-ground.

 

Crap.....Totally did not see those easy to fix mistakes....grrr.......btw, the final revision isn't due until the 8th of May which happens the around the last day of finals for everyone......hoping for more changes as this story improves towards that end-goal. 

 

Thanks for the feedback! I really appreciate it! Hoping to hear from more people if possible since there's a possibility that my classmates still won't know what is going on with the story. Also, should I change the name of the title?



#22 isaac103

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Posted 28 April 2017 - 02:06 PM

So since finals are right around the corner, final story revisions are due on May 8th. So therefore, I will only have next week left to revise my story. I wonder if Speeder would like to take a look at my story and see if s(he) likes it. :) 



#23 isaac103

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Posted 01 May 2017 - 11:22 PM

I hate to keep on bringing this post up but this will be the last time I am saying anything here.

 

So I had my last round of people from my Fiction Writing class look at my paper and while they are saying the paper is improving, they kind of want more information about my main character, Captain Daniel Downs. Specifically, they want more information about his background and why he chose to join in the fight against Yuri and his Epsilon army. 

 

If anyone would look to take a look at my paper again before I make any more changes to it, this week would be a good time to do so. 

 

Thanks again guys!

 

Revised story: https://www.dropbox....ision.docx?dl=0



#24 NorthFireZ

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Posted 03 May 2017 - 08:21 PM

Hmm, well you certainly improved from the first edition, but obviously it could be better. So think about this for a second: be your own consumer. Think about what you would like to see from other people's works. Think about the reason you liked someone else's's story or why you hated it. Now go back to your own story and read it out loud. Try to role play a little while you do. Imagine if your characters that you set up would actually say the lines. If they would, then how would they say it? Stories like these are driven by strong characters, so having a protagonist that doesn't make sense would be very detrimental.

I'm not going to tell you to improve your grammar or work on discriptive writing, however I will tell you to try to start the next chapter. Sometimes it just takes a new page in order to fix the old ones.

Also that background information in the beginning was very tedious. You should never monologue about world events like that. No sane person would think back and be like hmmm yeah let me just review all this information that I knew already. These characters are Humans! They live and think like we do!

I have a year-long Writer's block @ https://www.fanficti...1/At-Mind-s-End But youtube is doing well! https://www.youtube....ser/andywong545


#25 isaac103

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Posted 03 May 2017 - 08:35 PM

Hmm, well you certainly improved from the first edition, but obviously it could be better. So think about this for a second: be your own consumer. Think about what you would like to see from other people's works. Think about the reason you liked someone else's's story or why you hated it. Now go back to your own story and read it out loud. Try to role play a little while you do. Imagine if your characters that you set up would actually say the lines. If they would, then how would they say it? Stories like these are driven by strong characters, so having a protagonist that doesn't make sense would be very detrimental.

I'm not going to tell you to improve your grammar or work on discriptive writing, however I will tell you to try to start the next chapter. Sometimes it just takes a new page in order to fix the old ones.

Also that background information in the beginning was very tedious. You should never monologue about world events like that. No sane person would think back and be like hmmm yeah let me just review all this information that I knew already. These characters are Humans! They live and think like we do!

Could I maybe make it so that Daniel is perhaps looking through his diary (assuming he kept one) or maybe spending some time down time flipping through a book that discusses the history of the Mental Omega war? Would that work? 

 

Minimum amount of words needed for revision have to be around 3500.



#26 NorthFireZ

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Posted 04 May 2017 - 07:07 PM

If it's excecuted well, anything can work. You could just move that information to be said by a third person narrator at the beginning like some kind of timeline. I would personally use a character as new to the world as the reader is, however this is your story. Or perhaps, you could describe the entirety of the battle without the opening monologue, wait for the end, then after when it seems like all hope is lost, explain the stakes of the failure. I think it would mean a better set up for the rest of the series.

I have a year-long Writer's block @ https://www.fanficti...1/At-Mind-s-End But youtube is doing well! https://www.youtube....ser/andywong545


#27 DarkEmblem

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Posted 04 May 2017 - 11:24 PM

Add hentai, since north doesn't. After you've done that I'll read your fanfiction. thx



#28 isaac103

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Posted 04 May 2017 - 11:40 PM

Add hentai, since north doesn't. After you've done that I'll read your fanfiction. thx

What do you mean by that? I don't get it.



#29 NorthFireZ

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Posted 07 May 2017 - 04:04 AM

Don't worry about him Issac, he's just a memer who wants me to put a little steamy action in my story. Action that would be fun to write, but I want to set up the story first.

I have a year-long Writer's block @ https://www.fanficti...1/At-Mind-s-End But youtube is doing well! https://www.youtube....ser/andywong545


#30 isaac103

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Posted 07 May 2017 - 03:01 PM

That makes sense. Ah, tomorrow's the due date to turn in my revision for my story. Would you mind taking a look and seeing if there's anything else that would need to be added?



#31 NorthFireZ

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Posted 07 May 2017 - 04:02 PM

Took a skim again, pretty good stuff, got some emotional weight behind it and everything. Some of the discrpitions are a little goofy like the psychic beacon being an antena with bat wings xD. But, nothing a little trip to the thesaurus cannot fix. I think the only real problem that I have would be that Yuri sounds like an average Saturday morning cartoon villain. Then again, I'm pretty sure none of your classmates or teacher knows what Yuri really sounds like anyways. So 7/10 would read again. If you wanted to do any more revisions I suggest on better discription paragraphs than anything story wise.

I have a year-long Writer's block @ https://www.fanficti...1/At-Mind-s-End But youtube is doing well! https://www.youtube....ser/andywong545


#32 isaac103

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Posted 07 May 2017 - 04:49 PM

Took a skim again, pretty good stuff, got some emotional weight behind it and everything. Some of the discrpitions are a little goofy like the psychic beacon being an antena with bat wings xD. But, nothing a little trip to the thesaurus cannot fix. I think the only real problem that I have would be that Yuri sounds like an average Saturday morning cartoon villain. Then again, I'm pretty sure none of your classmates or teacher knows what Yuri really sounds like anyways. So 7/10 would read again. If you wanted to do any more revisions I suggest on better discription paragraphs than anything story wise.

"Yuri sounds like an average Saturday morning cartoon villain." xD lol I wonder if we can maybe put Epsilon on the same level as ISIS? or should we not?







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