2 replies to this topic

[hxazgalor]

I've been toying with this idea for a while now, so I thought, "Hey, why not just do it for fun and see what other people think?"

 

The fanfic I'm writing is basically set three years after the Psychic Dominator Disaster, with the Allies victorious after their assault on Yuri's last fortress in Antarctica. Though Yuri remains incarcerated in a secret location, his forces make a sudden comeback under the leadership of Yuri's supposed disciple, Alastor. Naturally, the Allies and Soviets will need to foil their schemes. It shares some elements with MO's story, but I'm trying to avoid that from becoming too common. I'll be constantly improving the plot as time goes by.

 

You can find it here: http://archiveofouro...apters/31330263 (Let me know if the link doesn't work)

 

Updates may not be very regular due to real life constraints and the fact I'm dealing with a severe creativity block. But feedback is most welcome.

 

Cheers all

[NorthFireZ]

Suprisingly pleasant. Good job! This is a very good starting point and it would be neat to see where it will end up.

A few things though. Exposition dumping, while I understand the need for it, is not preferable. It’s just kind of bland to read through sometimes since there’s a lot of info and not enough plot. You could have reworded the first paragraph into some kind of sequence into the Professor’s mindset. For example, start by having the world leaders congratulate each other and shaking hands. Einstein could comment on their vanity. Their fancy clothes, careful/flattering speech, and their egos blooming. He can think back to the years of hatred between the Allies and the Union buried behind masks while they play nice for one final night. While it doesn’t have to play out like that specifically, I’ve found that it’s better to incorporate people into the Expo dumps simply because you can get some character development done too. Two birds with one stone.

I liked the backstories for Einstien’s team, a very good way to hint at his frame of mind. I also like the interaction between Eva and the Prof. They actually felt like they knew each other. I will say this though, details man they are important! What’s Enstien wearing? What’s the lighting like? Are the guests noisy? What’s the dressing difference between the Allies and Soviets like? WHATS THE COLOR OF THE DAMN TABLE CLOTH! (Maybe not that last one.) You’ve told the readers that it’s a Merry evening Gala but there’s nothing to prove that it is so. The only person we get a discription of clothing was Eva but she’s not the only one dressed. Everyone is, so why not tell it as such?

Do not take these critique as faults. Instead, look at them like opportunities to improve. You’re already pretty darn good, so let’s see if you can’t get much, much, better and rise above.

[hxazgalor]

Thanks NorthfireZ, I'm humbled by your feedback.

Admittedly, I wrote the first chapter in a rush owing to (a) Chinese New Year moods, and (b) I was rushing to get dinner. My usual modus operandi (MO hehe) is to write first, edit later, so as to get the initial idea written down before it's lost.

If there's anything most of my works lack, it's just as you've written. I'm definitely going to add in more minute details that will help set the scene, and I'll be sure to abide by your advice to make it seem more lively/alive.

Once again, my thanks for your advice. Do stay tuned for more!