The Banana shall deliver Thee from the path of Atkins Diets and Fatty Foods and into the light!
The Banana God, and his two chief Witnesses, the Carrot Goddess and the Lock of Power grant Thee the opportunity to seek salvation from Obesity to the path of righteousness and the grand glory of Bananarama!
First, though, a bit about your new Saviours.
Banana God
The Banana God is your new Saviour as you enter this coveted cult. He provides your guidance and shall lead you to salvation through reading these Holy Scriptures.
He is the long-famed and ancient leader of an underground cult that has just today surfaced for you, the new Disciple, to enjoy and become a part of!
He is the embodiment of joy and happiness and it shows in his traditional pose, which we also use to worship Him.
The pose is the long-practiced art of 'w00t dancing'.
He teaches the importance of fruits in the diet, and is the inspiration for our entire cult.
Carrot Goddess
The Carrot Goddess signifies the unification of Earth and Nature, and also where all food comes from. She is also Banana God's chief love interest. She is important in that She embodies vegetables and their necessity in the diet which all Bananaramics should share.
Her w00t dance is opposite to that of Banana God, in order to signify unity and equality whichever way the w00t dance is conducted. Technically She is equal to the Banana God, however He was discovered first, else the cult would be called Carrotic Pleasures. Probably for the best!
Lock of Power
The Lock of Power represents the retention of flavour in all foods that Disciples eat. Proper preparation of foods ensures that we can all rejoice with every meal we eat. Its w00t dance can go left-right-left or right-left-right, in order that It is of equal affinity to both Banana God and Carrot Goddess.
The Lock of Power also shows our own involvement in the act of worship, for without flavour, we cannot truly appreciate just how important Banana God or Carrot Goddess are in our daily lives.
A powerful flavour is one to be savoured, and so It also shows that we should keep the flavour within ourselves for as long as we can, for a meal is a joyous occasion and not one to be wasted.
The w00t Dance
We all know how to do it, Disciple. High Priest Daedalus shall now demonstrate for you:
1) Crouch low, arms tucked in, body facing one direction or the other.
2) Raise up, raise your arms, turning to face forward.
3) Come back down to your original position, however facing the opposite dirction from which you began.
4) Repeat.
Simple. This is our standard act of worship to the Gods. We use it to give praise and thanks for all They have done to help us, the Disciples who are not worthy of their radiance upon this Earth.
You will notice that there are no Meats, Dairy or otherwise Unhealthy foods in our scriptures, or in our gods. This does not mean to say you may not eat such foods, however you must ensure you have a greater proportion of the Healthy food types in order to balance out your sin.
Remember, there is no Chocolate God or Custard Cake Goddess. Your punishment for treating such food groups in superiority of Banana God or Carrot Goddess will be brought with a serious penance. Thy becoming fat, and having your fellow Disciples humiliate and ridicule Thee over such deeds. And thy repentance will be starvation and forcing thyself to join a dieting group, and listening to the whore at the front teach thee how to slim, when deep down therein lieth Satan, for her words patronise, and her manner is such that she mocks you with a mere glare. Know thee that we do not portray Unhealthies by image.
And remember the 10 Commandments:
1) Thou shalt not over-indulge in thy favourite sugary foods.
2) Thou shalt eat regular doses of Fruit, most prominently Bananas.
3) Thou shalt eat regular doses of Vegetables, most prominently Carrots.
4) Thou shalt prepare thy food properly, allowing little or no flavour to escape.
5) Thou shalt eat it raw if it be possible, whether it be proper or not.
6) Thou shalt savour every mouthful, for it is precious bounty.
7) Thou shalt regularly perform the w00t dance in honour of thy almighties.
8) Thou shalt pay penance for thy sins, and shall be careful in what you eat.
9) Thou shalt not overcook thy food.
10) If thou getst salmonella from thy Unhealthies, thou shalt not blame it on 'that mouldy vegetable'. Thou shalt blame it on thy poor cooking and the Unhealthy sin which you attempted to indulge in.
And lo, with your acceptance into our High Order, your homage shall be thus:
Post in this thread joining the order!
Edited by Spiral Dream, 04 August 2004 - 04:34 PM.
