9 replies to this topic

[hobbes-99]

absolutely - totally and utterly non related at all in the slightest, but hey lets get festive

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the
pearly gates. "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you
must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into
heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He
flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said.

You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.

He shook them and said, "They're bells". Saint Peter said you may pass
through the pearly gates.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and
finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just
what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "They're Carols".

[hobbes-99]

What's the most popular wine at Christmas?

'‘I don't like sprouts’

[hobbes-99]

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?

Claustrophobic.

[Juggernaut]

OMFG!! Claustrophobic...

i almost wet my pants here...
Great jokes, keep them coming pls, as we dutch have no real xmas jokes and the ones we have are not translationable to english

[Calamity_Jones]

and evidently no sense of humour.... ahem!

Im too into black comedies:P

[Juggernaut]

Ze Dutch vill newer zurrender!! BOOOHJAH!!!

don't ruin my xxxmas feelings

[Panzergraf]

You have probably seen this before, but it's so cool...

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

Begin Transmission

Repetition of General Directive 264-A-XCIV

To: Distribution, Sectorium Primus
From: Office of The Grand Inquisitor, Ebineezar Grinchanius
Re: Yearly Chaos Incursion

This purpose of this notice is to remind the forgetful of the annual
visitation by the minion of Chaos known to the unworthy as Santa Claus.

+++ The Emperor's Light Banishes the Shadows of Heresy +++

As the diligent will recall, the incursion occurs regularly every 8742
to 8766 terran hours, roughly corresponding to a terran year. This
trespass has occurred with disturbing regularity since at least the
Horus Heresy, and perhaps longer, as many records were misplaced.

+++ Love and Obey the Emperor +++

The faithful will recognize the target on sight, as his garb and gear
mark him immediately as an agent of the abominations.

Santa Claus is a corpulent, bloated creature approximating the human
form. It wears a crimson tunic the color of fresh blood, marking him as
a possible follower of Khorne. It is bearded, mocking the honorable
squats, and its hair is a sallow shade of gray, betraying its unnatural
age. Be advised that despite the creatures fearsome name, no claws have
been observed, and the former is likely a ruse.

The target has been observed in the company of smaller creatures having
the appearance of thin (less than 30 kg, approx.), stunted (1.5 meters)
humanoids with pointed ears. Their appearance suggests the involvement
of the decadent Eldar, and although that race denies involvement
(*reference the Rudolphian Campaign [index 4111-BGE-MMXCII-Primus],
specifically the Battle of Yukon Coneliaus IV [ibid., index 6]*), agents
are advised to be prepared for their involvement, as the Eldar are known
for their deceitful ways.

Santa Claus is conveyed by means of a grav-sled powered by unnatural
livestock as detailed below.

The target's vehicle is a grav-sled. It has superfluous runners which
are used only on landing and take-off. Despite the appearance, no frozen
water is necessary for its operation (another ruse). The vehicle's
resemblance to the foul Palanquin of Nurgle should not be discounted,
even though the colors continue to be reminiscent of Khorne.

The device is powered by the unholy ministrations of eight or nine
quadrupeds. Ordo Malleus scholars have identified these creatures as
warped versions of an extinct species of terran mammal known as a Moose
(reference 900002-ER-CIV). These beings single-mindedly pull the
target's vehicle during its yearly invasion. They are outfitted with
belled harnesses which are apparently imbued with the ability of flight.
These beasts have been likened to the Fiends of Slaanesh, and such a
comparison should not be dismissed too lightly, as the creatures shed a
luminous substance as effluent as they move. Inquisitors should take
care to avoid exposure.

Perhaps more disturbing is the variable number of the minion-creatures.
On occasion, a ninth Moose has been observed, placed before the other
Mooses. This creature radiates a sickly reddish glow from its snout, as
a psychic beacon to other followers of the Vile Ones. This Chaotic
device has allowed the target to navigate despite our best efforts to
jam its navigation systems.

+++ Blessed is the Virtue of Blind Faith +++

Santa Claus gains entry to the domiciles of loyal Imperial Citizens (see
below) and leaves small Chaos Rewards to tempt the faithful.

Inquisitors are reminded to confiscate and incinerate these items before
any lasting damage is done. As a localized temporal distortion field is
in effect around the target, these items are secreted in the habitations
of the Imperium at exactly 2400 hours in every location defiled by the
creature. It is therefore possible to gain entry to the citizens'
cretches and remove the items (often cunningly hidden in footwear)
before the citizens are aware of the heresy that has been committed upon
them.

In other cases, removal of the items after the citizens have discovered
them is possible. In such situations, small children are occasionally
loath to surrender the items, as the tainting of the juveniles has
already begun. Executions of the above are to be handled in the most
expedient manner possible.

Often, juveniles that are well within the Emperor's Grace are given
small blocks of graphite ore rather than the more tempting gifts visited
upon the less faithful. The identity of these individuals are to be
recorded, as future recruitment into the Inquisition or Adeptus Terra is
possible. [Note: Inquisitors or other agents who do *not* receive the
graphite stones should be watched carefully]

Santa Claus enters the domiciles be way of heating ducts and waste
vents. The size of the opening is not a factor, as the creature can
adjust its mass and displacement by means of psychic manipulation.
Mining these openings with frag, krak and other demolitions has proven
unsuccessful.

The creature egresses by the same means, after ritually caressing his
nostrils. No mucus has ever been recovered.

+++ The Death of Emperor's Enemies is the Only Gift We Can Give +++

Although all previous attempts at the destruction of Santa Claus have
failed, Inquisitors are urged to make such an attempt whenever possible.

However, of more importance is the suppression of cultist activity
associated with the yearly incursion. The Tainted have been known to
erect shrines in their homes in the form of shrubbery adorned with
baubles and lights [Note: the shrubbery is often highly inflammable, and
offers a discrete method of executing the offending heretics without
calling undue attention to the operation]. Other warning signs include:
hallucinations involving sugared candies during slumber; excessive
singing; references to 'A magical time of year' (note the influence of
Tzeentch); the construction of effigies made of snow; and the
performance of Slaanishi rituals while underneath plant clippings of the
genus _phoradendron flavescens_.

Once again, executions should be handled in an expedient manner.

End Transmission

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

[Juggernaut]

"We, the Knights Who Say Ni, we demand a Shrubbery ! "

"Thou shalt place it next to the other shrubbery,... only a little higher..
..so we get that nice split effect with a small path in the middle.."

NI !


Xmas is all about Shrubbery... bow down for the Knights who say Ni

[Draco]

I forget where I got these from, I thought they were pretty funny. theres too many to post here so I'll post my favourite 3

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Edited by Draco, 15 December 2004 - 12:34 AM.

[Calamity_Jones]

lool! im loving that imperial report on the 'yearly chaos incursions'