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Guide to Identifying a Noob


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#1 m@tt

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Posted 10 May 2007 - 09:15 PM

Shamelessly stolen from RTSC, which shamelessly stole it from another forum. Long but funny.

INTRO

I. What is this?

This guide is designed to give you a better understanding of what a noob is, how to recognize them, some details about them, and how to avoid or get rid of them. It mostly applies to online forums, which are the main targets of migrating noobs.

II. Defining 'Noob'

Contrary to the belief of many, a noob/**** and a ******/newb are not the same thing. Newbs are those who are new to some task* and are very beginner at it, possibly a little overconfident about it, but they are willing to learn and fix their errors to move out of that stage. Noobs, on the other hand, know little and have no will to learn any more. They expect people to do the work for them and then expect to get praised about it, and make up a unique species of their own. It is the latter we will study in this guide so that the reader is prepared to encounter them in the wild if needed.

Noobs are often referred to as ****s as a sign of disrespect toward them, and it's often hella funny, but I will refer to them as noobs during this reading.

* Usually the topic at hand on an Internet forum.

B. COMMON NOOB CHARACTERISTICS

I. Noobish

Often, but not always, noobs will attempt to communicate in their own primitive language, known as noobish. It is a variant of the hacker language that exposes them as having little intelligence or will to learn. Here is an example of some noobish. Do not attempt to comprehend it: it cannot be discerned without professionals at hand.

stFU //an, i r teh r00rz liek emin3m, u cna go tO EHLL OR ATLE4St help m3 wit hthIS!!111!!!!!!!1~~1!!``!! LOLLOLOLLOLOLlOoLLOlollLLl u ****

Although you may find this unbelievably funny and/or annoying, it is best to restrain yourself and keep from talking back to them, as they are very territorial and easily angered. This will result in their attempted verbal abuse of you, possibly backed up by other noobs, because they work in packs when doing offensive tasks. It is not an easy task to learn this language because our intelligent accent will keep it from sounding quite right when spoken. You can write some simple noobish of your own, however, by slamming your face into your keyboard repeatedly.

II. Where to find noobs

On the Internet, noobs make their colonies on forums. They migrate in waves, usually on weekends, and proceed to clog up bandwidth with stupid questions and sometimes even stupid answers. If you happen to be unfortunate enough to be on a board large enough to attract migrating noobs, there will hopefully be authority in charge who is smart enough to take extermination measures before they can make nests and larger colonies.

Larger colonies can result in the mutation of some into spammers. Not commercial spammers, but pointless spammers. A noob can become one of these at any point, but the larger the amount of noobs, the more chance pointless spammers will appear.

Off the internet, noobs appear anywhere the focus is on learning or discussing something specific.

III. Behavior of noobs

Since noobs are basically ignorant bastards, they have a lot in common. The most often seen characteristic is their fluency in noobish, which is why it got its own section. They will also be very self confident as if they were the absolute best at what they are in fact the worst at. Also, they are quite aggressive and self-centered, and tend to laugh a lot using many L's and O's in rapid succession (the noobish word for laughing like an ultimate retard).

It is their instinct to assemble in packs for defense, and they often attempt to organize packs that they call teams. Unfortunately for them, teams usually result in a total loss of communication and they can often begin to fight amongst each other. These teams are quite unlike those formed by non-noobs.

Noobs have difficulty reading English and cannot comprehend the idea of authority. Therefore, they have an all-out disregard for rules, basic or not. A good way to identify a noob (bad) vs. a newb (good) is to tell them (or have an authority tell them) which rule they are unknowingly breaking. If they respond with an apology and fix it, they are probably not a noob. If they react by insulting everything around them in rapid noobish and causing general mayhem, it is because they are a noob and have had a small seizure due to their inability to understand what is happening.

IV. Noob religion

Noobs follow a variation of the 1337 (sometimes 7331) religion, in which they worship the number in odd rituals and put altars in their forum avatars and signatures. They often call themselves 1337, which experts say is somewhat like calling themselves godly in a human language. It's best to not interfere with their religious fantasies and practices because that can lead to a noob uprising, which can turn a forum to mush in less than a week.

V. More about noob habitats

Noobs often attempt to maintain their own web pages. Some common features of these lairs are a terrible lack of content, background music, lots of pointless animated gifs, and pages that say some variation of 'tHEir isnothinG H34r yEtt LOLLOLOL!111!1!!~~~!!`! 13371337', which means 'Nothing here yet' in noobish. They will also have large, seemingly infinite **s of 88X31 affiliate buttons replaced with red X's scattered here and there, and possibly a hit counter showing a number less than 100. These habitats are numerous but fairly easy to avoid because only noobs link to them. So if you can identify a noob, don't go to its homepage. Simple as that.


C. AVOIDING NOOBS

I. Make sure you aren't one

Note: This section is bilingual so even noobs can make the discovery if they haven't already.

English (T4lk)-
Read the above parts of this guide carefully. If you find yourself unable to comprehend any of it but are instead beginning to think about how great you are and how awesome 'teh 1337' is, you might want to take one of the many available online quizzes to check your noobancy.

Noobish (133713371337)-
Liek, u gott4 re3D teh gudieCAREFUl1y and tehn OMG LIEK I AM R0XX0RZ ya anD ify 0u turn into teh reTARDED u gota go 2 MY WEBP4GE LOLLOLOL!!111~11 ad check 4 warez n stfuu. if u r a **** go2HELL LOLLOLOlROFLMFAO11!!!11!!!! a/s/l pos gtg **** su0rz ur b00rz OLOOOLOLLLL HELP HELP HELP 1337133713371337

II. Major noob avoiding strategies

The main factor in attracting migrating herds of noobs is a large, active forum. If you find one of these, look to see if it has the management to avoid noob infestation. If not, look for a small or mid-sized forum that covers the same topic so you can enjoy your time there before the noobs find it.

Another way to keep noobs from interfering with your life is to become part of the authority on one of these forums. But that's often hard to do so you'll probably be better off avoiding larger forums first off. If you do manage to become part of the authority, however, take full advantage of it and establish extermination policies so that normal people can have a nice time without noob infestations.
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#2 Mathijs

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Posted 12 May 2007 - 12:16 AM

Seen this so many times, but it stays amusing. ;)

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#3 SquallBK

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Posted 12 May 2007 - 12:37 AM

i dont know if it was gollum who made this, or someone else, but whoever made it...is awesome. lol
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#4 GothmogtheOrc

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Posted 12 May 2007 - 01:38 AM

lol, seen it before but yeah, it's hilarious ;)

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#5 Nazgûl

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Posted 04 June 2007 - 05:18 AM

Never seen it before, but I love it!!! :p

Two words: "EA Forums" ;)

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#6 Elvenlord

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Posted 04 June 2007 - 01:35 PM

;)
i"ve never seen it before :p
Good find, or whatever :lol:

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#7 Nazgûl

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Posted 07 June 2007 - 09:12 PM

I found another Noob thing to do...

Using someone elses Avatar... that to mee comes across as really noobish :mellow:
Check it out Elvenlord... I found the reason why I thought this guy was actually you for a while. Now I know where he got his avatar - he took it from you ;)
"Stolen" avatar link...

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#8 adummy

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Posted 07 June 2007 - 11:54 PM

I found another Noob thing to do...

Using someone elses Avatar... that to mee comes across as really noobish :p
Check it out Elvenlord... I found the reason why I thought this guy was actually you for a while. Now I know where he got his avatar - he took it from you :ohmy:
"Stolen" avatar link...

in all fairness to him, Celeglin offered that one and a few others to every on this topic.
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#9 Elvenlord

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Posted 08 June 2007 - 12:07 AM

Yeah, but I asked him if he would mind changing it :cool:
But of course he didn't answer. Another noobish thing :p
And please, just call me Elven :ohmy:

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#10 Nazgûl

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Posted 08 June 2007 - 01:40 AM

Allright, Elven it is =) And Adummy, if that is so, I withdraw my little "attack" on the poor guy :ohmy:

If someones snatches my Nazgul alter ego here <--- I'll Morgul Blade their asses though :p

Edited by Nazgûl, 08 June 2007 - 01:42 AM.

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"Do not come between the Nazgûl and his mod!"
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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


#11 Elvenlord

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Posted 08 June 2007 - 02:49 AM

Yeah, it was open to the public......... But did he really have to pick mine? :ohmy:

:p Morgul blade their asses........ You should find a way to sig that :cool:

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#12 Bart

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Posted 08 June 2007 - 05:13 PM

nobody touch my Winter Minas Tirith :D
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#13 GothmogtheOrc

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Posted 08 June 2007 - 06:01 PM

I think my solution is best... I put my name on my avatar :D

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#14 Elvenlord

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Posted 08 June 2007 - 09:34 PM

Yeah...maybe I should do something to make mine special....
Any ideas?
Maybe Xeno's purple x thing.......

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#15 Taralom

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Posted 09 June 2007 - 07:06 PM

i just uploaded my new avatar -- made it myself --
perhaps something for you??

but let's get back on-topic.

what is the most noobish-thing you ever did ;) ?
If the above post offended you in any way,
please take note that, until further notice, I don't care, so get lost.

#16 Bart

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Posted 09 June 2007 - 08:29 PM

I remember myself posting on a forum something along the lines of "Am I the only intelligent one here?" since i was trying to explain something and nobody understood :thumbsupsmiley:

anyway, if you'll look at my first post here (tried to find a link, but apparently it was lost recently) I was never a n00b here :mellow:
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#17 Sûlherokhh

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Posted 09 June 2007 - 11:17 PM

I think my solution is best... I put my name on my avatar :blush:
...


I did exactly that right from the start. Noone's done it yet, hehe. ;)

I remember myself posting on a forum something along the lines of "Am I the only intelligent one here?" since i was trying to explain something and nobody understood ;)

anyway, if you'll look at my first post here (tried to find a link, but apparently it was lost recently) I was never a n00b here ;)


When i look back i don't think i ever was a n00b. At least not by the time i first posted in any forum. But i know at least one n00b my age who just never stopped being one, and he even managed to impress enough people to form a mod team around his (ever absent) presence... :mellow:

But i guess you'll seldom find him here because i somehow doubt his n00bish wit would translate from german to english. :thumbsupsmiley:

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#18 Clement

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Posted 09 June 2007 - 11:43 PM

anyway, if you'll look at my first post here (tried to find a link, but apparently it was lost recently) I was never a n00b here smile.gif


My first post was certainly in your forum, when you shearched someone to help you with the Deluxe Edition mod... And you gave me immediatly in your team, so I wasn't too noob, I think!
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#19 {IP}Sauron

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Posted 10 June 2007 - 10:35 AM

what is the most noobish-thing you ever did :shiftee: ?


once i posted on the old RA forums abut "WHEN WILL THIS FREAKING MOD COME OUT :'( >:(" :ninja:

and ive been on another forum(non-bfme) where i was warned and then i just said "i hate ya'll u stupid basterds" :p

ivebeen a real n00b once :p

Edited by {IP}Sauron, 10 June 2007 - 10:36 AM.

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#20 adummy

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Posted 10 June 2007 - 10:37 AM

i used to be a real n00b too. but i blame MEV for that because i came from there :shiftee:
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