Contest #1 Analysis by Dauth
Posted 29 September 2008 - 10:47 AM
While I like the concept of love tried across the gulfs of time I think a little more could have been made of the issues encountered within. While the language barrier is a good start, you could have gone into clothing styles, appropriate behaviour for the time, even biological differences. Even across Earth now, some men kiss each other as a greeting, others bow, some hug, some shake hands. These sort of details help bring a story to life and give the characters a bit of depth, which I think is possibly the main weakness of this piece. You used only two thirds of the available 1500 words and as such the story suffered. I find myself thinking its the same as an old man telling a story 4th or 5th hand with some bits enterprisingly made up by the third iteration. I have not spotted any glaring spelling issues, nor grammar problems.
A more traditional view of divisions, separating humans into classes, I like the almost X-Men esqe treatment of the none humans as less than humans. There is a good understanding of character psychology. A snapshot of the military use is an interesting idea, however for someone who had lost parents recently I would expect a ten year old to be more distraught he seems to react in the manner of someone much older. I'm given to understand English isn't your first language which is why I'm not being critical of the errors but can point them out for you if you wish.
Caspa & Matias:
I would be very cautious about entering a poem into a Story Contest as it created the issue of voting for types. I find poems a lot harder to read and as such found them significantly less enjoyable that the other entries. Looking at Caspa's entry there doesn't seem to be any spelling errors but the more I look at it the more it looks like a set of song lyrics. Matias' style is more like the poems I am used to seeing, again no obvious mistakes. The problem I encounter is that without being able to read/write/enjoy poems properly I cannot comment properly on them.
This piece is quite possibly in a class of its own as far as I am concerned. My only real criticism is the swapping around of British/English/Scottish as this is inappropriate for the setting. IIRC the treaty of Versailles was signed on behalf of England and no other names were used. If a reference to someone North of the border was used I would also have made it clearer he was fighting on the side of the English as the history there has been far from bloodless, minor confusion could have happened. The will to write letters home is a very real goal and I think helps bring the characters to life.
I hope my comments help the writers here.
Posted 30 September 2008 - 01:04 AM
When's the next contest?
Edited by Ravnin IV, 30 September 2008 - 01:16 AM.
Posted 30 September 2008 - 10:20 AM
I wouldn't worry about it, I doubt more than 1% of UK residents know it either. I figure the next contest will be when the voting closes, or Vortigern feels active.
Didn't know that about the Treaty of Versailles; thanks for pointing it out. I just assumed the UK was the UK, and had been so for a while. My history is just a tad biased towards America
When's the next contest?
Posted 30 September 2008 - 11:21 AM
Sorry about my relative inactivity, I've been busy settling in to my new home in Sheffield, and I have had little time to sort out much.
Posted 19 October 2008 - 01:42 PM
Apologies for that irrelevancy
Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
There are 10 kinds of people in this world: Those who understand binary and those who don't.
FZM and Vort don't do tag wrestling...but if they did, they'd probably be the worst tag-wrestlers in the world.
Oh for fuck's sake!
Posted 19 October 2008 - 04:56 PM
Posted 19 October 2008 - 11:20 PM
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