Once upon a time, a young man was reading through a collection of Shakespeare's plays and was struck by how amazingly funny they were, if only the reader could understand. Slightly inspired by this thought, he endeavoured to write a collection of Shakespeare's plays. The first production to face the scathing strikes of his fingers on the keyboard was the beloved Romeo and Juliet... no longer quite so beloved.
THE TRAGEDY OF JULIET ~ because really, who cares about that Romeo kid?
ACT 1, Scene 1
The streets of Verona.
[Enter Sampson and Gregory]
Sampson: Upon my word, Gregory, we'll not--
Gregory: Oh, not that speech again.
Gregory: Why do you always have to act all macho and then make sexual puns?
Sampson: Is there more to life than that?
Gregory: Well, not really, but I could really use a change.
Sampson: [shudders] I don't like changes.
Gregory: Changes are good for you. Grow a pair, man!
[Enter Abram and Balthasar]
Sampson: Look what you did now! You manifested a couple of Montagues and made me
miss my cue! It was my big speech! My chance to shine! My--
Gregory: Get over yourself.
[As the Montagues walk by, Sampson does the "up yours" motion to Gregory, who is standing with his back turned to the Montagues]
Abram: Do you make rude arm motions at us, sir?
Sampson: No, I was just trying to put Gregory in his place. He was--
Abram: I don't care what he was doing. That was very rude.
Gregory: Are you trying to pick a fight, man?
Balthasar: I think what he meant was--
Sampson: You stay out of this. Our master's better than yours.
Abram: But your mom isn't.
Gregory: [aside] Oh, now he's done it.
Sampson: [shouting] Are you dissing my mom?
Abram: What if I am? You want a piece of me?
[He draws his sword, and the two groups fight]
[Enter Benvolio and Tybalt]
Benvolio: Stop fighting, idiots!
Tybalt: Who are you calling idiot, idiot?
Benvolio: I'm just trying to keep the peace.
Tybalt: Screw peace! Screw hell, screw Montagues, and screw you, coward!
Benvolio: Takes one to know one, shorty!
[Enter Capulets and Montagues]
Capulet: The Montagues! Bring me my long sword, ho!
L. Capulet: No.
Capulet: Why not?
L. Capulet: You called me a ho.
Capulet: No I didn't!
L. Capulet: Yes you did. You said "Bring me my long sword, ho!"
Capulet: But "ho" is just a space-filler syllable to make sure the line is in iambic
L. Capulet: [getting angry] I don't give a crap about your stupid iambic pentameter.
You're grounded from beating up Montagues for a month!
Capulet: Ah, sweetie--
L. Capulet: Don't try to sweet-talk me, you... Hey, there's Lady Montague. GO STICK
YOUR FACE INSIDE A BLENDER, HO!
Capulet: Such language!
L. Capulet: What are you talking about? It was a space-filler syllable.
[Capulet mutters L. Capulet's shout to himself while counting on his fingers]
Capulet: Say, you're right. It does have ten syllables.
Montague: Scurvy cur! You called my wife a ho! This is exactly how the feud started in
the first place, and now you add insult to injury!
L. Montague: *sniff* Don't let him get to you darling... Boohoohoohoohoohoohoo!
Montague: You made my wife cry? You'll pay for this, you--
[Enter the Prince and other people]
Capulet and Montague: [under breath] Damn, it's the Prince.
Prince: Disturbers of the peace! Profaners of this neighbor-stained steel! Shall purple
fountains quench the fire of your pernicious rage... Oh, whatever. QUIT THE BLOODY FIGHTING, WHY DON'T YOU? ALL OF US ARE SICK OF YOUR STUPID LITTLE WARS, AND YET YOU KEEP ON FIGHTING! WHY DO YOU DO SUCH TERRIBLE, AWFUL THINGS?
Capulet: Well, it's kind of complicated.
Montague: You see, way back when, they called my grandma a ho...
Capulet: LIAR! That was a space-filler syllable!
Montague: Why you...
Prince: Shut up, both of you. Capulet, you come with me, and explain yourself.
Montague, come later on today. You guys really need to cut it out. You're like little kids fighting over the pudding-bowl.
[Exit all but Lord and Lady Montague and Benvolio]
L. Montague: Where is Romeo?
Montague: Who gives a crap? He's such a whiny boy.
L. Montague: Yeah, I'm glad he wasn't here, or he would have gotten a scratch and cried.
Montague: Wait, here he comes!
L. Montague: Take cover! Benvolio, find out what's wrong with him, dear.
[Lord and Lady Montague beat a hasty retreat]
Benvolio: Wait... don't leave meeeeeeeeeeee...
Romeo: [unhappily] Hi, Benvolio. I feel lousy.
Benvolio: [aside] Here we go again.
Romeo: I can't believe that she doesn't love me! I mean, what's not to love?
Benvolio: [aside] Yes, really, how could anyone resist his charms?
Romeo: She's so beautiful... yet she scorns my affections... why...?
Benvolio: [aside] Why indeed?
Romeo: But she's decided to live her life without the joy of my loving--
Benvolio: [hurriedly] Who is this sunrise on legs anyway?
Romeo: [like a prayer] Rosaline...
Benvolio: [explodes] ROSALINE?!? YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH ROSALINE?
Romeo: Are you jealous of my good fortune?
Benvolio: That hag? Are you kidding me?
Romeo: Diss her not. Her beauty is well beyond the notice of one such as you.
Benvolio: Don't be ridiculous. You'll forget her if you so much as look at another girl.
Romeo: You shouldn't be ridiculous. My passion for her is deeper than... Hey, who's the
hot babe over there?
[Benvolio sighs gustily]
Benvolio: See what I mean?
Romeo: Oh shoot, she's gone. Wait what?
Benvolio: As soon as you saw that other girl, you forgot all about—
Romeo: [like a prayer] Rosaline...
[Benvolio sighs again]
ACT 1, Scene 2
Near Capulet’s manse.
[Enter Capulet, Paris, and a Servant]
Capulet: …understand that you want to marry her, but really she’s not even 13…
Paris: Well, my first wife was 11… oops… Just disregard that. What I need is… well,
someone to carry on my bloodline.
Capulet: She’s not ready for that yet, Paris. I mean, she’s not even 13. But if she
wants to be your wife, I’ll agree to it.
Paris: Don’t worry. How could she be able to resist my charms?
Capulet: [aside] Yes, really, how could anyone resist his charms?
Paris: What was that? I hope it wasn’t something dissing the Montagues, because my
uncle the Prince would hate to find out that you were planning mutiny.
Capulet: [hurriedly] Actually, I’m having a party tonight. Why don’t you come? It’s a
masquerade, so be sure to dress up. Servant!
Capulet: Take this list of people and find them. Then tell them to come to my party!
[Exit Capulet and Paris]
Servant: But I can’t read…
[Enter Romeo and Benvolio]
Servant: Hey, maybe they can read!
Romeo: But I love her, Benvolio.
Benvolio: Sure you do. That’s what you said about Emmeline, and Allotta, and Portia,
and Livia, and Helena—
Romeo: Ah, Helena… and Livia… and Portia… and Allotta… and Emmeline…
Benvolio: See, you still love her. And her, and her, and her, and her…
Romeo: Ah, but my soul is writhing on the ground in torment under the fierce-- Good
Servant: Can you read?
Servant: Can you read this?
Servant: Will you?
Servant: Then do so.
Romeo: Let’s see… “Signior Martino, Capulet Number Two, Tybalt, Rosaline, Mercutio,
Valentine, Patrick, Lincoln, Sauron, Yoda, Einstein, Xerxes, Adolf, Stalin, and Sir Isaac Newton.” A fair gathering. Whither goest they?
Servant: Say what?
Romeo: Where are they going?
Romeo: Up where?
Servant: If you were a Montague, I’d say, “up yours.” But since you’re not, I’ll tell the
truth. We’re having a party tonight. Why don’t you come and get drunk?
Benvolio: You hear that? Rosaline’s going to be there. Why don’t you go, and compare
her to some of the real babes of Verona?
Romeo: No. Rosaline is the prettiest there. I know already. I’ll just go to prove it.
ACT 1, Scene 3
Lady Capulet’s chambers. Nurse and Lady Capulet are present.
L. Capulet: Nurse, where is Juliet? Call her forth to me.
Nurse: I lost my virginity at the age of twelve.
L. Capulet: Great. Didn’t need to know that. Just find her, please.
Juliet: Holy cow! Who’s calling me so loudly?
Nurse: Your mother.
L. Capulet: [huffs] Well, I called you here to give you “The Talk.”
Juliet: Sorry, Dad beat you to the punch. Something about some French guy.
L. Capulet: Oh, you mean Paris. Yes, he’s considered quite the delectable morsel of
manhood. He’s related to the Prince, and no woman alive can resist his charms. [under breath] Except for Emmeline, and Allotta, and Portia, and Livia, and Helena, and Rosaline…
Juliet: Well, Mom, I’ll see if I like him at tonight’s dance. If not, I can just dump him.
L. Capulet: Well, it’s not that easy. See, there are political machinations to circumvent,
systems to cheat, and other such games of courtiership.
Juliet: Uhhhhh… yeah, count me out of that. Was that all? ‘Cause me and the boys were
playing rugby out there, and they’re not gonna let that time-out I called last forever. I need to get back quick.
Nurse: I remember that one day when I weaned you. I put stuff on my nipple, and then
you didn’t like it, so you had a fight with my breast. And then that other time, where you were just learning to walk, and you fell down on your face, and then my husband *sniff* [she crosses herself, and the other two do so without enthusiasm] He was a merry man… He picked you up, and said “Maybe you’re falling on your face now, but a man will teach you to fall backwards later! [she falls back into a chair and spreads her legs; Juliet hides a smile while her mother looks appalled]
L. Capulet: Nurse, shut up.
Nurse: Yes, ma’am. [pause] But it’s so funny! I mean, she was only two years old, and
then she fell down, and my husband…
L. Capulet: Yes we know. Shut up, Nurse. Now Juliet, actually there is more. I found this
really nice man for you to marry.
Juliet: You mean Frenchie? No thanks, mom.
L. Capulet: But sweetie, he’s a relative to the prince, and I really think he’s the perfect
match for you.
Nurse: Yes, he’s an ideal, a real hunk of burning a—
L. Capulet: Nurse…
Nurse: I mean, he can make you grow, both in social status and… [she mimes a thrusting motion and draws a curve in midair over her stomach] size.
Juliet: [stares at both of them, about to cry] *sniff* *sniff* All I wanted to do was play
rugby! [she runs out crying]
[Nurse and L. Capulet stare after her]
Nurse: She took it quite well, actually.
L. Capulet: Shut up, Nurse.
ACT 1, Scene 4
Near Capulet’s manse.
[Enter Romeo, Benvolio, Mercutio, and five or six other guys in masks]
Mercutio: Sounds like a wild party going on up there.
[In the background, loud heavy-metal music and screaming can be heard]
Romeo: [depressed] You guys have fun dancing. I’ll hold the torch.
Benvolio: Ah, c’mon, Romeo. This is your big chance to look at all the pretty girls. I told
you, Rosaline’s a hag.
Mercutio: Yeah, you should try Helena. She’s good in b—
Benvolio: Mercutio, he’s already been in love with Helena.
Romeo: You… you… YOUUUUUU! THAT’S WHY SHE DUMPED ME! SHE WAS
Mercutio: Calm down, man, I was just kidding.
Romeo: [depressed again] Oh, what’s the use? She won’t love me. I’ll just sit there and
hold the torch while you have fun. I had a dream tonight.
Mercutio: And so did I.
Romeo: Then what was yours about?
Mercutio: This is going to sound weird, but I dreamed that you were going to fall in love
with a Capulet and commit suicide.
[Awkward pause, then Benvolio and Romeo laugh]
Benvolio: Which is ridiculous, of course.
Mercutio: [laughs] Yeah, probably. It must have been a dream brought by Queen Mab.
She is the Queen of the—
Guys 1, 2, & 3: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!
[They jump on Mercutio and stifle his mouth before he can begin the speech]
Benvolio: Never again, Mercutio. I hate that stupid monologue. It goes on for ages and
ages and ages and ages…
Mercutio: [gets up] But it’s my big speech! My chance to shine! My—
Guys 4, 5, & 6: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!
[They jump on Mercutio and stifle his mouth again]
Romeo: [depressed] You guys have fun. I’ll hold the torch.
Benvolio: Ah, Romeo…
ACT 1, Scene 5
[Enter Capulet, Tybalt, Juliet, Nurse, Paris, and everyone else]
Capulet: Good evening ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to my party. Tonight we have the
privilege of hosting Brutus Springsteen, straight from releasing his album The Tragedy of Julius Caesar. Let’s give it up for Brutus!!!
Brutus: Thank you for hosting me. Let’s start this out with “The River.”
[Wild cheering, “The River” begins playing, and everyone begins dancing]
Romeo: [depressed] Wow, this song is depressing. I can’t see Rosaline, either.
Benvolio: Cheer up, man. We brought you here to have fun.
Romeo: No thanks. I’ll hold the torch.
[Benvolio throws up his hands in exasperation and walks off to dance]
[As “The River” finishes, wild cheering begins and Romeo looks at Juliet]
Romeo: Who is that hot chick? Hey, servant, who is that babe over there?
Servant: I’m not sure. She is wearing a mask.
Romeo: Oh, she doth teach the torches to burn bright!
[Brutus begins singing the chorus of “Blinded by the Light” loudly, to cheers]
Romeo: I absolutely need to get a dance with her!
Tybalt: Wait a minute! He’s a Montague! Uncle, there’s a Montague here, and I don’t
like Montagues, and I want to do something about him.
Capulet: Calm down, Tybalt. I don’t think that a fight would be wise at this time. After
all, the Prince wasn’t very happy about that brawl this morning. If you get in a fight, that’ll ruin my party! [aside] And I don’t think you could take him, shorty.
Tybalt: I don’t care. I want to kill him.
Capulet: Go away, you saucy boy.
Tybalt: Fine, I’ll kill him later.
Romeo: If I dirty your hand with mine by touching it, I couldn’t live with myself. My
lips, two blushing pilgrims, would wipe away that roughness with a kiss.
Juliet: Well, you already have gotten my hand dirty, but I think the sappy bit about
kissing and pilgrims may have to wait a couple of years.
Romeo: Have I sinned? Then let me purge my sin… with a kiss.
Juliet: Seriously, boy, what is with you and… [he kisses her] [she wolf-whistles] But now
you’ve put your sin on me. [aside] I hope he does it again…
Romeo: You’ve got sin on you now? Let me get it off. [he kisses her again]
Juliet: Did you go to Kissing 101 class, or something?
Romeo: Well actually, back in middle school—
Nurse: Juliet, your mother wants you.
Juliet: All right.
[Juliet crosses the room to talk to L. Capulet]
Romeo: Who is she?
Nurse: Juliet Capulet, the prettiest baby that I ever nursed. See, back when I was twelve, I
[Romeo is spaced out and doesn’t pay any attention as Nurse goes on and on]
Romeo: Ah, I love her so much, but she has to be a bloody Capulet? Why, fates, why…?
Nurse: … and then she got in a fight with my—
Romeo: Do you know where she sleeps?
Nurse: Ooooh, are you seeking happy nights?
[Exeunt all but Nurse and Juliet]
Juliet: [pointing, uninterested] Who is he?
Nurse: That’s young Tiberio, the heir of old Tiberio, who was the heir of old old Tiberio,
who was the heir of old old old Tiberio, who was the heir of—
Juliet: Yeah, whatever. [pointing, uninterested] And who’s that guy?
Nurse: That’s the County Paris, a real hunk of burning a—
Juliet: Okay, okay, Nurse. [pointing, suddenly fervent and lovestruck] And who is he?
Nurse: Wait a minute, let me go ask.
Juliet: Now he is a real hunk of burning a—
Nurse: His name is Romeo Montague.
Juliet: Shoot. You mean he’s our sworn enemy?
Juliet: Grrr. I hate myself for being a bloody Capulet.
Nurse: Yes, I hate them bloody Capulets, too.
Juliet: I have an idea. If I stand out on my balcony and strike a pose in my semi-
transparent silk nightgown, he’ll be sure to come!
[Exit Juliet, Nurse grins and follows]
A quick disclaimer: If there are any inside jokes in this... well, I can't pretend to care.
Edited by ithilienranger732, 02 March 2009 - 11:06 PM.