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[{IRS}Athos]

Foreword to the First Edition
Once upon a time, a young man was reading through a collection of Shakespeare's plays and was struck by how amazingly funny they were, if only the reader could understand. Slightly inspired by this thought, he endeavoured to write a collection of Shakespeare's plays. The first production to face the scathing strikes of his fingers on the keyboard was the beloved Romeo and Juliet... no longer quite so beloved.

THE TRAGEDY OF JULIET ~ because really, who cares about that Romeo kid?

ACT 1, Scene 1
The streets of Verona.

[Enter Sampson and Gregory]

Sampson: Upon my word, Gregory, we'll not--

Gregory: Oh, not that speech again.

Sampson: What?

Gregory: Why do you always have to act all macho and then make sexual puns?

Sampson: Is there more to life than that?

Gregory: Well, not really, but I could really use a change.

Sampson: [shudders] I don't like changes.

Gregory: Changes are good for you. Grow a pair, man!

[Enter Abram and Balthasar]

Sampson: Look what you did now! You manifested a couple of Montagues and made me
miss my cue! It was my big speech! My chance to shine! My--

Gregory: Get over yourself.

[As the Montagues walk by, Sampson does the "up yours" motion to Gregory, who is standing with his back turned to the Montagues]

Abram: Do you make rude arm motions at us, sir?

Sampson: No, I was just trying to put Gregory in his place. He was--

Abram: I don't care what he was doing. That was very rude.

Gregory: Are you trying to pick a fight, man?

Balthasar: I think what he meant was--

Sampson: You stay out of this. Our master's better than yours.

Abram: But your mom isn't.

Gregory: [aside] Oh, now he's done it.

Sampson: [shouting] Are you dissing my mom?

Abram: What if I am? You want a piece of me?

Sampson: Yeah!

[He draws his sword, and the two groups fight]
[Enter Benvolio and Tybalt]

Benvolio: Stop fighting, idiots!

Tybalt: Who are you calling idiot, idiot?

Benvolio: I'm just trying to keep the peace.

Tybalt: Screw peace! Screw hell, screw Montagues, and screw you, coward!

Benvolio: Takes one to know one, shorty!

[They fight]
[Enter Capulets and Montagues]

Capulet: The Montagues! Bring me my long sword, ho!

L. Capulet: No.

Capulet: Why not?

L. Capulet: You called me a ho.

Capulet: No I didn't!

L. Capulet: Yes you did. You said "Bring me my long sword, ho!"

Capulet: But "ho" is just a space-filler syllable to make sure the line is in iambic
pentameter!


L. Capulet: [getting angry] I don't give a crap about your stupid iambic pentameter.
You're grounded from beating up Montagues for a month!

Capulet: Ah, sweetie--

L. Capulet: Don't try to sweet-talk me, you... Hey, there's Lady Montague. GO STICK
YOUR FACE INSIDE A BLENDER, HO!

Capulet: Such language!

L. Capulet: What are you talking about? It was a space-filler syllable.

[Capulet mutters L. Capulet's shout to himself while counting on his fingers]

Capulet: Say, you're right. It does have ten syllables.

Montague: Scurvy cur! You called my wife a ho! This is exactly how the feud started in
the first place, and now you add insult to injury!

L. Montague: *sniff* Don't let him get to you darling... Boohoohoohoohoohoohoo!

Montague: You made my wife cry? You'll pay for this, you--

[Enter the Prince and other people]

Capulet and Montague: [under breath] Damn, it's the Prince.

Prince: Disturbers of the peace! Profaners of this neighbor-stained steel! Shall purple
fountains quench the fire of your pernicious rage... Oh, whatever. QUIT THE BLOODY FIGHTING, WHY DON'T YOU? ALL OF US ARE SICK OF YOUR STUPID LITTLE WARS, AND YET YOU KEEP ON FIGHTING! WHY DO YOU DO SUCH TERRIBLE, AWFUL THINGS?

Capulet: Well, it's kind of complicated.

Montague: You see, way back when, they called my grandma a ho...

Capulet: LIAR! That was a space-filler syllable!

Montague: Why you...
Prince: Shut up, both of you. Capulet, you come with me, and explain yourself.
Montague, come later on today. You guys really need to cut it out. You're like little kids fighting over the pudding-bowl.

[Exit all but Lord and Lady Montague and Benvolio]

L. Montague: Where is Romeo?

Montague: Who gives a crap? He's such a whiny boy.

L. Montague: Yeah, I'm glad he wasn't here, or he would have gotten a scratch and cried.

[Enter Romeo]

Montague: Wait, here he comes!

L. Montague: Take cover! Benvolio, find out what's wrong with him, dear.

[Lord and Lady Montague beat a hasty retreat]

Benvolio: Wait... don't leave meeeeeeeeeeee...

Romeo: [unhappily] Hi, Benvolio. I feel lousy.

Benvolio: [aside] Here we go again.

Romeo: I can't believe that she doesn't love me! I mean, what's not to love?

Benvolio: [aside] Yes, really, how could anyone resist his charms?

Romeo: She's so beautiful... yet she scorns my affections... why...?

Benvolio: [aside] Why indeed?

Romeo: But she's decided to live her life without the joy of my loving--

Benvolio: [hurriedly] Who is this sunrise on legs anyway?

Romeo: [like a prayer] Rosaline...

Benvolio: [explodes] ROSALINE?!? YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH ROSALINE?

Romeo: Are you jealous of my good fortune?

Benvolio: That hag? Are you kidding me?

Romeo: Diss her not. Her beauty is well beyond the notice of one such as you.

Benvolio: Don't be ridiculous. You'll forget her if you so much as look at another girl.

Romeo: You shouldn't be ridiculous. My passion for her is deeper than... Hey, who's the
hot babe over there?

[Benvolio sighs gustily]

Benvolio: See what I mean?

Romeo: Oh shoot, she's gone. Wait what?

Benvolio: As soon as you saw that other girl, you forgot all about—

Romeo: [like a prayer] Rosaline...

[Benvolio sighs again]
[Exeunt]

ACT 1, Scene 2
Near Capulet’s manse.

[Enter Capulet, Paris, and a Servant]

Capulet: …understand that you want to marry her, but really she’s not even 13…

Paris: Well, my first wife was 11… oops… Just disregard that. What I need is… well,
someone to carry on my bloodline.

Capulet: She’s not ready for that yet, Paris. I mean, she’s not even 13. But if she
wants to be your wife, I’ll agree to it.

Paris: Don’t worry. How could she be able to resist my charms?

Capulet: [aside] Yes, really, how could anyone resist his charms?

Paris: What was that? I hope it wasn’t something dissing the Montagues, because my
uncle the Prince would hate to find out that you were planning mutiny.

Capulet: [hurriedly] Actually, I’m having a party tonight. Why don’t you come? It’s a
masquerade, so be sure to dress up. Servant!

[Enter Servant]

Capulet: Take this list of people and find them. Then tell them to come to my party!

[Exit Capulet and Paris]

Servant: But I can’t read…

[Enter Romeo and Benvolio]

Servant: Hey, maybe they can read!

Romeo: But I love her, Benvolio.

Benvolio: Sure you do. That’s what you said about Emmeline, and Allotta, and Portia,
and Livia, and Helena—

Romeo: Ah, Helena… and Livia… and Portia… and Allotta… and Emmeline…

Benvolio: See, you still love her. And her, and her, and her, and her…

Romeo: Ah, but my soul is writhing on the ground in torment under the fierce-- Good
afternoon, sir.

Servant: Can you read?

Romeo: Yeah.

Servant: Can you read this?

Romeo: Yeah.

Servant: Will you?

Romeo: Yeah.

Servant: Then do so.

Romeo: Let’s see… “Signior Martino, Capulet Number Two, Tybalt, Rosaline, Mercutio,
Valentine, Patrick, Lincoln, Sauron, Yoda, Einstein, Xerxes, Adolf, Stalin, and Sir Isaac Newton.” A fair gathering. Whither goest they?

Servant: Say what?

Romeo: Where are they going?

Servant: Up.

Romeo: Up where?

Servant: If you were a Montague, I’d say, “up yours.” But since you’re not, I’ll tell the
truth. We’re having a party tonight. Why don’t you come and get drunk?

[Exit Servant]

Benvolio: You hear that? Rosaline’s going to be there. Why don’t you go, and compare
her to some of the real babes of Verona?

Romeo: No. Rosaline is the prettiest there. I know already. I’ll just go to prove it.

[Exeunt]

ACT 1, Scene 3
Lady Capulet’s chambers. Nurse and Lady Capulet are present.

L. Capulet: Nurse, where is Juliet? Call her forth to me.

Nurse: I lost my virginity at the age of twelve.

L. Capulet: Great. Didn’t need to know that. Just find her, please.

Nurse: JULIET!!!

Juliet: Holy cow! Who’s calling me so loudly?

Nurse: Your mother.

L. Capulet: [huffs] Well, I called you here to give you “The Talk.”

Juliet: Sorry, Dad beat you to the punch. Something about some French guy.

L. Capulet: Oh, you mean Paris. Yes, he’s considered quite the delectable morsel of
manhood. He’s related to the Prince, and no woman alive can resist his charms. [under breath] Except for Emmeline, and Allotta, and Portia, and Livia, and Helena, and Rosaline…

Juliet: Well, Mom, I’ll see if I like him at tonight’s dance. If not, I can just dump him.

L. Capulet: Well, it’s not that easy. See, there are political machinations to circumvent,
systems to cheat, and other such games of courtiership.

Juliet: Uhhhhh… yeah, count me out of that. Was that all? ‘Cause me and the boys were
playing rugby out there, and they’re not gonna let that time-out I called last forever. I need to get back quick.

Nurse: I remember that one day when I weaned you. I put stuff on my nipple, and then
you didn’t like it, so you had a fight with my breast. And then that other time, where you were just learning to walk, and you fell down on your face, and then my husband *sniff* [she crosses herself, and the other two do so without enthusiasm] He was a merry man… He picked you up, and said “Maybe you’re falling on your face now, but a man will teach you to fall backwards later! [she falls back into a chair and spreads her legs; Juliet hides a smile while her mother looks appalled]

L. Capulet: Nurse, shut up.

Nurse: Yes, ma’am. [pause] But it’s so funny! I mean, she was only two years old, and
then she fell down, and my husband…

L. Capulet: Yes we know. Shut up, Nurse. Now Juliet, actually there is more. I found this
really nice man for you to marry.

Juliet: You mean Frenchie? No thanks, mom.

L. Capulet: But sweetie, he’s a relative to the prince, and I really think he’s the perfect
match for you.

Nurse: Yes, he’s an ideal, a real hunk of burning a—

L. Capulet: Nurse…

Nurse: I mean, he can make you grow, both in social status and… [she mimes a thrusting motion and draws a curve in midair over her stomach] size.

Juliet: [stares at both of them, about to cry] *sniff* *sniff* All I wanted to do was play
rugby! [she runs out crying]

[Nurse and L. Capulet stare after her]

Nurse: She took it quite well, actually.

L. Capulet: Shut up, Nurse.

[Exeunt]


ACT 1, Scene 4
Near Capulet’s manse.

[Enter Romeo, Benvolio, Mercutio, and five or six other guys in masks]

Mercutio: Sounds like a wild party going on up there.

[In the background, loud heavy-metal music and screaming can be heard]

Romeo: [depressed] You guys have fun dancing. I’ll hold the torch.

Benvolio: Ah, c’mon, Romeo. This is your big chance to look at all the pretty girls. I told
you, Rosaline’s a hag.

Mercutio: Yeah, you should try Helena. She’s good in b—

Benvolio: Mercutio, he’s already been in love with Helena.

Romeo: You… you… YOUUUUUU! THAT’S WHY SHE DUMPED ME! SHE WAS
WITH YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!

Mercutio: Calm down, man, I was just kidding.

Romeo: [depressed again] Oh, what’s the use? She won’t love me. I’ll just sit there and
hold the torch while you have fun. I had a dream tonight.

Mercutio: And so did I.

Romeo: Then what was yours about?

Mercutio: This is going to sound weird, but I dreamed that you were going to fall in love
with a Capulet and commit suicide.

[Awkward pause, then Benvolio and Romeo laugh]

Benvolio: Which is ridiculous, of course.

Mercutio: [laughs] Yeah, probably. It must have been a dream brought by Queen Mab.
She is the Queen of the—

Guys 1, 2, & 3: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!

[They jump on Mercutio and stifle his mouth before he can begin the speech]

Benvolio: Never again, Mercutio. I hate that stupid monologue. It goes on for ages and
ages and ages and ages…

Mercutio: [gets up] But it’s my big speech! My chance to shine! My—

Guys 4, 5, & 6: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!

[They jump on Mercutio and stifle his mouth again]

Romeo: [depressed] You guys have fun. I’ll hold the torch.

Benvolio: Ah, Romeo…

[Exeunt]

ACT 1, Scene 5
Capulet’s Party

[Enter Capulet, Tybalt, Juliet, Nurse, Paris, and everyone else]

Capulet: Good evening ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to my party. Tonight we have the
privilege of hosting Brutus Springsteen, straight from releasing his album The Tragedy of Julius Caesar. Let’s give it up for Brutus!!!

[Wild cheering]

Brutus: Thank you for hosting me. Let’s start this out with “The River.”

[Wild cheering, “The River” begins playing, and everyone begins dancing]

Romeo: [depressed] Wow, this song is depressing. I can’t see Rosaline, either.

Benvolio: Cheer up, man. We brought you here to have fun.

Romeo: No thanks. I’ll hold the torch.

[Benvolio throws up his hands in exasperation and walks off to dance]
[As “The River” finishes, wild cheering begins and Romeo looks at Juliet]

Romeo: Who is that hot chick? Hey, servant, who is that babe over there?

Servant: I’m not sure. She is wearing a mask.

Romeo: Oh, she doth teach the torches to burn bright!

[Brutus begins singing the chorus of “Blinded by the Light” loudly, to cheers]

Romeo: I absolutely need to get a dance with her!

Tybalt: Wait a minute! He’s a Montague! Uncle, there’s a Montague here, and I don’t
like Montagues, and I want to do something about him.

Capulet: Calm down, Tybalt. I don’t think that a fight would be wise at this time. After
all, the Prince wasn’t very happy about that brawl this morning. If you get in a fight, that’ll ruin my party! [aside] And I don’t think you could take him, shorty.

Tybalt: I don’t care. I want to kill him.

Capulet: Go away, you saucy boy.

Tybalt: Fine, I’ll kill him later.

[Exit Tybalt]

Romeo: If I dirty your hand with mine by touching it, I couldn’t live with myself. My
lips, two blushing pilgrims, would wipe away that roughness with a kiss.

Juliet: Well, you already have gotten my hand dirty, but I think the sappy bit about
kissing and pilgrims may have to wait a couple of years.

Romeo: Have I sinned? Then let me purge my sin… with a kiss.

Juliet: Seriously, boy, what is with you and… [he kisses her] [she wolf-whistles] But now
you’ve put your sin on me. [aside] I hope he does it again…

Romeo: You’ve got sin on you now? Let me get it off. [he kisses her again]

Juliet: Did you go to Kissing 101 class, or something?

Romeo: Well actually, back in middle school—

Nurse: Juliet, your mother wants you.

Juliet: All right.

[Juliet crosses the room to talk to L. Capulet]

Romeo: Who is she?

Nurse: Juliet Capulet, the prettiest baby that I ever nursed. See, back when I was twelve, I
lost my…

[Romeo is spaced out and doesn’t pay any attention as Nurse goes on and on]

Romeo: Ah, I love her so much, but she has to be a bloody Capulet? Why, fates, why…?

Nurse: … and then she got in a fight with my—

Romeo: Do you know where she sleeps?

Nurse: Ooooh, are you seeking happy nights?

Romeo: …Maybe…

[Exeunt all but Nurse and Juliet]

Juliet: [pointing, uninterested] Who is he?

Nurse: That’s young Tiberio, the heir of old Tiberio, who was the heir of old old Tiberio,
who was the heir of old old old Tiberio, who was the heir of—

Juliet: Yeah, whatever. [pointing, uninterested] And who’s that guy?

Nurse: That’s the County Paris, a real hunk of burning a—

Juliet: Okay, okay, Nurse. [pointing, suddenly fervent and lovestruck] And who is he?

Nurse: Wait a minute, let me go ask.

[Exit Nurse]

Juliet: Now he is a real hunk of burning a—

[Re-enter Nurse]

Nurse: His name is Romeo Montague.

Juliet: Shoot. You mean he’s our sworn enemy?

Nurse: Yes.

Juliet: Grrr. I hate myself for being a bloody Capulet.

Nurse: Yes, I hate them bloody Capulets, too.

Juliet: I have an idea. If I stand out on my balcony and strike a pose in my semi-
transparent silk nightgown, he’ll be sure to come!

[Exit Juliet, Nurse grins and follows]
[Exeunt]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A quick disclaimer: If there are any inside jokes in this... well, I can't pretend to care.

Regards, IRS

Edited by ithilienranger732, 02 March 2009 - 11:06 PM.

[Rafv Nin IV]

IR, that was possibly the most absolutely hilarious thing I've read all day

[Vortigern]

"Diss her not." Love it. Nice work, IRS.

[{IRS}Athos]

Next scene, coming up later tonight. Thanks, guys.

[{IRS}Athos]

Yeah, I know I'm double-posting... but whatever.

Act 1 Scene 2 is up! Enjoy... by the way, that list of women may just show up many times.

[MT]

Hilarious, wonderful. Please do the rest! I need a full copy of modern R+J xD

[{IRS}Athos]

Act 1, Scenes 3 & 4 have arrived for your enjoyment!

[{IRS}Athos]

Act 1, Scene 5 and Act 2, Scene 1 are now here!

[Berethin]

Well, I have to say, I really like the way you've portrayed Romeo!

[{IRS}Athos]

Whiny, isn't he...

[Vortigern]

He was in the original too, as I recall. It was just more subtle when Shakespeare did it. More good stuff, man. I look forward to the next part.

[Rafv Nin IV]

IRS, that was possibly the most absolutely hilarious thing I've read all day month

[Elvenlord]

Heh, I must say this is awesome. On the epic scale.

[Copaman]

Sick Nasty Sweet!

[{IRS}Athos]

Act 2, Scenes 2 & 3 have been added into the first post... and I put it in a codebox to make the page shorter.


...garr, codebox formatting isshues. Now the page is three times as wide.

Edited by ithilienranger732, 02 March 2009 - 12:41 AM.

[Vortigern]

Get rid of the damn codebox. Most annoying thing ever. Tell you what, put the next bit into a new post, that way everybody's happy.

Still, funny as ever. Good man.

[{IRS}Athos]

Got rid of the codebox...

The next post, most likely tomorrow, will have the rest of Act II.

[{IRS}Athos]

ACT 2, Scene 1
Outside Capulet’s house, near the orchard.

[Enter Romeo]

Romeo: Why on earth am I leaving my hot new girlfriend? Oh soul, turn back again!

[He moves toward the wall and disappears]

Mercutio: [obviously drunk] Romeo, old buddy, get your butt out here!

Benvolio: Shut up, Mercutio. You’re drunk.

Mercutio: I’m dead sober, man. You’re the one who’s stoned.

Benvolio: You swear it?

Mercutio: Aye, on the wonderful wine vintage of firteen-fiddy-leven! Har!

Benvolio: Um, Mercutio, shouldn’t you find a place to lie down?

Mercutio: Yeah, Romeo, I will lay down… with your girlfriend Rosaline! Helena’s
charms don’t even compare to those of Rosaline in b—

Benvolio: Don’t tick Romeo off, man. He’ll flip out on you.

Mercutio: Yeah, but not before I make Rosaline flip over on my trundle! Har, Romeo, I’ll
conjure you out of midair by Rosaline’s lips, nose, delicate eyes, fair foot, straight leg, quivering thigh, and the… shall we say, regions of the—

Benvolio: Mercutio, shut up! You’re drunk!

Mercutio: I swear to drunk I’m not God!

Benvolio: [aside] Amen. [to Mercutio] Come on, get to bed.

Mercutio: Come along with me, Rosaline. [in falsetto] Oh Mercutio, I will!

[Mercutio laughs drunkenly as Benvolio drags him off]
[Exeunt]

ACT 2, Scene 2
The Capulet orchard, overlooked by Juliet’s balcony.

[Enter Romeo]

Romeo: Hmph. What a jerk.

[Juliet runs out onto her balcony and strikes a pose]

Romeo: Who is that hot babe up there? Holy guacamole, it’s Juliet. Wow, I didn’t know
she was that hot. Must be the semi-transparent silk nightgown she has on.

Juliet: [starts doing the “Tequila” dance and humming]

Romeo: Wow, she’s talented. Come on baby, keep it up! Go Juliet, go!

Juliet: Come on Romeo! Come over here! I don’t care if you’re a Montague! If you don’t
want to be a bloody Capulet, I’ll be a wonderful Montague. Like you…

Romeo: [loudly] I don’t want to be a bloody Capulet. But if you want me to, baby, I’m
your man.

Juliet: [stops dancing, startled] Holy cow! Who are you?

Romeo: I’m Romeo.

Juliet: Romeo! How did you get here? The orchard walls are too high to climb!

Romeo: I flew over them.

Juliet: No more of that soppy love stuff. How did you get in?

Romeo: I pretended to go back to get Mercutio beer.

Juliet: Ah. The village drunkard.

Romeo: So, will you marry me?

Juliet: WHAAAAAAAAAAT?!?!?!?!?

Romeo: [louder] I said, “Will you marry me?”

Juliet: WHAAAAAAAAAAT?!?!?!?!?

Romeo: [shouting] I said, “Will you--”

Juliet: I heard you the first time. Isn’t that a little hasty?

Romeo: No, baby, I don’t think so.

Juliet: Sure. I’ll marry you. But first, swear to me that you love me.

Romeo: I swear by yonder blessed moon, who with silver light tips yon…

Juliet: I said no more sappy love stuff. Anyway, the moon vanishes completely, and I
don’t think your love is that way.

Romeo: [aside] Well, my love for Emmeline, and Allotta, and Portia, and Livia, and
Helena, and Rosaline ended up that way. [to Juliet] What do I swear by, then?

Juliet: Swear by yourself.

Romeo: All right. I swear by myself.

Juliet: Good. Now leave, quickly, before my cousin Shorty shows up.

Romeo: But will you leave me unsatisfied?

Juliet: What is this? Wal-Mart? Satisfaction guaranteed?

Romeo: No. I suppose comparing you to Wal-Mart is unfair.

Nurse: JULIET!!!

Juliet: Holy cow! [to offstage] Coming, Nurse! [to Romeo] If you want to marry me, send
word tomorrow.

Romeo: I do.

Juliet: We’re not at that stage quite yet, Romeo. Stop being so hasty.

Romeo: [hastily] No, I meant that I do want to marry you.

Juliet: All right. Hurry!

[Exit Juliet]

Romeo: Ah…

[Re-enter Juliet]

Juliet: Romeo, come back!

[Romeo returns]

Romeo: What?

Juliet: Three words, and goodnight. If you don’t really want to marry me, please don’t
come back. Just leave me to my pain. [quietly] How many was that?

Romeo: Eighteen.

Juliet: Well, it’s a multiple of three. Works for me.

[Exit Juliet]

Romeo: Ah…

[Re-enter Juliet]

Juliet: Romeo, come back!

[Romeo returns]

Romeo: What?

Juliet: I forgot.

[They laugh, Exit Juliet]

Romeo: Ah…

[Re-enter Juliet]

Juliet: Romeo, come back!

[Romeo returns]

Romeo: What?

Juliet: I forgot. Good night! Parting is such sweet sorrow.

Romeo: Sleep well! I’ll go plan the marriage.

[Exeunt]




ACT 2, Scene 3
Friar Lawrence’s cell.

[Enter Friar Lawrence]

Friar L.: It’s five o’clock in the morning, but noooooo, Father Mortimer can’t give me a
break. I have to go out and pick flowers. No, wait, Father Mortimer is dead. He took an overdose of deadly nightshade berries trying to cure a hangnail. Ah well, you need to take the good with the bad. Who’s the father now? Oh yeah, Cedric. And what am I trying to cure with these berries? I can’t remember if it was chronic constipation or yellow fever. Ah well, another chance for me to be elected Father. I love democracy.

[Enter Romeo]

Friar L.: Now, if I mixed some of the hangnail-cure medicine with the constipation
medicine and yellow fever vaccine, the combination might be enough to… oh, hi Romeo. You look tired.

Romeo: I am tired.

Friar L.: I can tell that it’s not from not being able to fall asleep. I also heard that you
weren’t in your bed last night… Or this morning… whatever.

Romeo: True, I wasn’t in my bed, but I slept better.

Friar L.: Holy guacamole! Were you with a woman?

Romeo: Kind of sort of not exactly.

Friar L.: Explain, please.

Romeo: [slowly] Welllll… [speed talking] I met this really hot girl last night and I love
her and she loves me and we think that we’re meant for each other so last night I hid in her orchard and she said she loved me and I said I loved her and then she went to sleep and I left for here where I am right now and I was wondering if you would please please please please marry us today sometime because I really think that it would be good except for the fact that she’s a bloody Capulet.

[Stunned silence]

Friar L.: WHAAAAAAAAAAT?!?!?!?!? MY GOD, BOY! YOU HAVEN’T KNOWN
HER FOR EVEN 12 HOURS YET, AND YOU WERE CRYING ABOUT ROSALINE FOR WEEKS UP UNTIL NOW! HOW BLOODY SHALLOW CAN YOU GET?

Romeo: My passion for her is deeper than my shallow soul.

[Stunned silence]

Friar L.: MY GOD, BOY! YOU CAN’T JUST CHANGE WHO YOU LOVE ON A
DIME! YOU WERE THE SAME WAY ABOUT EMMELINE, AND ALLOTTA, AND PORTIA, AND LIVIA, AND HELENA, AND ROSAL—

Romeo: Don’t say her cursed name. She was foul beyond compare compared to the
beauty of my Juliet.

Friar L.: [aside] I can’t believe that I decided to be the godfather to this whiny and
shallow boy. [pauses] On the other hand, uniting a Montague and a Capulet could help me in political standing. I’m sure whoever stops the feud will be the most popular man in Verona. And I wouldn’t mind Emmeline, Allotta, Portia, Livia, Helena, and Rosaline liking me… I love cheating the system. [to Romeo] All right, boy. I’ll marry you and your darling, but only in exchange for… [puts right pinkie finger by mouth] One million dollars.

Romeo: [gapes] But that’s an astronomical sum! And the dollar doesn’t even exist yet!

Friar L.: Just kidding. All right. Get your plans laid out, the wedding’s at nine o’clock
sharp. We may not want to invite any guests, though…

Romeo: [very quickly] Oh I’m so happy that you agreed but now I have so much stuff to
do to prepare for the wedding like tell Juliet where to be so that we can get married and then maybe buy some flowers from you to give to her and a couple of wedding rings and maybe some of those little sausages for the reception along with some… [as Friar Lawrence begins pushing Romeo off stage right, the protagonist keeps listing food products]

[Friar Lawrence and Romeo leave stage]

Romeo: [sticks head and arm out onto stage] AND CHAMPAGNE!!!

[Exeunt]

ACT 2, Scene 4
A street.

[Enter Benvolio and Mercutio]

Mercutio: [groaning] Oh, my head…

Benvolio: I told you that you shouldn’t have drank so much, but no, you didn’t want to
listen to me. “I’ll be fine,” you said. “Don’t nag me,” you said. “You might not be able to hold your gin, but I can,” you said. “Hangovers are psychological,” you said. “There’s no such thing as getting a headache from drinking too much alcohol,” you said. [whacks Mercutio’s head] And look where that got you!

Mercutio: Do you have any beer?

Benvolio: No. Where’s Romeo?

Mercutio: Didn’t he come home last night?

Benvolio: No. But when the postman came this morning, there was a letter for him signed
by Tybalt. Who on earth is Tybalt, anyway?

Mercutio: He’s the Prince of Cats.

Benvolio: Who now?

Mercutio: Come on, Benvolio, it’s an inside medieval-times joke about Reynard the Fox.

Benvolio: Who now?

Mercutio: Whatever. More like the Prince of Mice, anyway.

Benvolio: Oh yeah. He is pretty short.

Mercutio: But I hear so many people talking well about him. “By Jesu! A very tall man!
A very good blade! A very good whore!”

Benvolio: Who’s a very good whore?

Mercutio: Well, apart from Rosaline…

[Enter Romeo]

Mercutio: Ah Romeo, Buenos Dias! Bonjour! Guten tag! There’s hello in three languages
for your pleasure. Or are you still too depressed about pretty Rosaline?

Romeo: Who the heck is she?

Mercutio: One of your many Petrarchan loves.

Romeo: Yeah, you’re one to talk, you womanizer.

Mercutio: Yep, I’ve been with ‘em all. Emmeline, Allotta, Portia, Livia, Helena, and of
course… Rosaline.

Romeo: You’re welcome to her. She is a hag.

Mercutio: At last! You see the light!

Romeo: Oh no! An old lady’s coming!

[Enter Nurse, and Peter, a mute, with sign-bearer]

Nurse: Peter?

Peter: [via signs] Anon.

Nurse: Give me my fan, Peter.

Peter: [via signs] Right away, madam.

Romeo: Yes, Peter, hide her ugly face behind that pretty fan.

Mercutio: I’m not so concerned about the face as what’s under the—

Benvolio: Good afternoon.

Nurse: Is Romeo here?

Romeo: Here in body, but not in spirit.

Mercutio: His spirit is frolicking in a pasture of pillows with the fair—

Romeo: --Juliet… Ah…

Nurse: Juliet? Yes, she’s my lady. She wants to know when the marriage will be.

Mercutio: WHAAAAAAAAAAT?!?!?!?!?

Benvolio: WHAAAAAAAAAAT?!?!?!?!?

Peter: [via signs] WHAAAAAAAAAAT?!?!?!?!?

Romeo: Today at 9:00 PM sharp at Friar Lawrence’s.

[Mercutio and Benvolio lapse into stunned silence and walk off the stage]
[Peter’s sign-holder holds up the sign “Stunned Silence”]

Nurse: Good. Any other plans?

Romeo: Well, going with that happy nights idea, I’ll send my man with a rope ladder so I
can get up to Juliet’s room after our wedding so we can have our honeymoon.

Nurse: Are you sure you can trust this guy? It’s easier to keep a secret between two
people if one of them is [she pulls a knife out] gone.

Romeo: [hurriedly] Nope, my man’s trustworthy. Commend me to your lady.

[Exit Romeo at a run]
[Peter’s sign-holder holds up the sign “Why do I have to work for the crazy one?”]

Nurse: Peter!

Peter: [via signs] Anon.

Nurse: Hurry up. Let’s go!

[Exit Peter, Sign-holder, and Nurse]
[Exeunt]

ACT 2, Scene 5
Capulet’s orchard. Juliet is present, and pacing.

Juliet: What’s taking the nurse so long? I knew I should have run the message myself.
After all, I can do a six-minute mile now. How long has it been since she went down the block? Three hours? What an old, slow, pathetic—[Enter Nurse]—Please give me the information please… what time does he say the wedding is?

Nurse: [overacting] Oh, I’m so so tired. I think I need to go lay down.

Juliet: The news?

Nurse: [ignoring her] My back aches so much. I can’t believe that my mistress would be
so cold-hearted as to send a poor old woman out to run her messages.

Juliet: [getting irritated, gritting her teeth] The news?

Nurse: [ignoring her] Have you eaten supper yet? You look drawn and pale.

Juliet: [still gritting her teeth] No, I haven’t. The news?

Nurse: [ignoring her] Where is your mother?

Juliet: [temper snapping] INSIDE! NOW WILL YOU TELL ME WHAT HE SAID?

Nurse: [sigh] Yes. The wedding’s at 9:00 PM sharp at Friar Lawrence’s cell.

[Juliet jumps up happily and begins to dance around the garden]

Nurse: Also, Romeo is seeking some happy nights.

[Exit Nurse]
[Juliet stalls and stares after the Nurse openmouthed]

Juliet: WHAAAAAAAAAAT?!?!?!?!?

[Exeunt]

ACT 2, Scene 6
Friar Lawrence’s cell.

[Enter Romeo and Friar Lawrence]

Romeo: I can’t wait to get married.

Friar L.: [aside] I can’t wait to get rid of the feud (and Romeo’s whining).

[Enter Juliet]

Juliet: Yo. Are those little sausages I see?

Romeo: Sure are. Friar Lawrence, why don’t you go get the rings?

Friar L.: I’m not leaving the two of you alone together. Heaven knows what you’ll get up
to. You come with me, and let’s get this ceremony over with. [aside] Before you two horny teenagers do several things that aren’t so pleasing to God…

[Exeunt]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Well, that's it for TOJ Act 2... I realize that I have many formatting issues (this was made for a Word document) and for some reason I got the box-punctuation bug again. Rrrrrrrrrrrrr...

Act 3 will come later, when I feel like it. Also, I'm currently working on Mac---h to supplement this...

Regards, IRS

Edited by ithilienranger732, 02 March 2009 - 11:11 PM.

[{IRS}Athos]

Omega triple post...

~~~~~~~~

ACT 3, Scene 1
The streets of Verona.

[Enter Benvolio and Mercutio]

Mercutio: I swear, Benvolio, you would pick a fight with a passing chicken.

Benvolio: Really?

Mercutio: No. It’s just a yolk! [He falls over laughing; Benvolio slaps him]

Benvolio: Get a hold of yourself, man!

Mercutio: No, I’d rather get a hold of Rosaline. But honestly, Benvolio, you just hit me!
That proves my point that you’re a hothead.

Benvolio: No, I don’t think so.

[Enter Tybalt and some Capulets]

Benvolio: Damn, it’s the Capulets.

Mercutio: “Damn?” Such language. As for the Capulets, I don’t give a damn.

Tybalt: Hello, boys. I’d like a word.

Mercutio: How about a bout, shorty?

Benvolio: Shut up, Mercutio.

Tybalt: Maybe later. Have you seen Romeo?

Mercutio: I haven’t seen him since last night, but I have seen your girlfriend—

Benvolio: Mercutio, shut up!

Tybalt: For your information, my girlfriend spent last night—

Mercutio: —in my warm and cozy b—

Benvolio and Tybalt: SHUT UP, MERCUTIO!

[Enter Romeo]

Tybalt: Ah. Here comes my man Romeo.

Mercutio: He’s your man? I thought you had a girlfriend!

Benvolio: Shut up, Mercutio!

Tybalt: Romeo, I hate you.

Romeo: Tybalt, I love you.

[Stunned silence]

Romeo: Oh, for heavens’ sakes, grow up, people. I don’t mean in that way. It’s just that I
have reason to like Tybalt as if he was my brother.

Tybalt: Romeo, I hate you.

Romeo: But Tybalt—

Mercutio: Shut up, Romeo. Tybalt, you cheese-eater, will you walk?

Tybalt: What would you have with me?

Mercutio: A little game of cat [points to himself] and mouse [points to Tybalt], shorty.

Tybalt: You’ll pay for calling me short.

Mercutio: Yeah? Well, what are you going to do about it, SHORTY?

[Both draw their swords, and Tybalt charges Mercutio with a yell]

Benvolio: Stop fighting, you idiots!

Tybalt: Who are you calling idiot, idiot?

[Tybalt and Mercutio fight]

Romeo: Benvolio! Help me stop them! [Draws his sword and runs between them] Stop
fighting! Stop, Tybalt! Mercutio—! [Tybalt stabs Mercutio and runs away]

Mercutio: Ouch! That really burns!

Romeo: Calm down, Mercutio, your wound doesn’t look that bad.

Mercutio: [groans] Nope, it doesn’t look too bad. But it hurts.

Romeo: I have Band-Aids—

Mercutio: [angrily] Screw your Band-Aids! Screw the Montagues! Screw the Capulets! I
hope you all die!

Romeo: Mercutio, the scratch isn’t even that deep! It barely even punctured the skin!

Mercutio: Screw your bloody diagnosis! Screw the Montagues! Screw the Capulets! I
hope you all die! Why on earth did you let him kill me?

Romeo: I thought it all for the best…

Mercutio: Me dying? That’s what was best? Huh? Huh?

Romeo: Calm down, Mercutio! You’re barely even hurt!

Mercutio: Not hurt? Not hurt? Are you kidding? I’m— [he suddenly falls over and dies]

[Enter Doctor]

Romeo: Doctor, we need an autopsy done! He was just in a swordfight, and he got hurt
some, but the wound wasn’t bleeding enough to kill him!

Doctor: Hmmm… I’d say that he died of a heart attack. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m in
rather a hurry. I have to see to the crazy somnambulist wife of a Scottish king.

[Exit Doctor]

Benvolio: A heart attack, huh? What a spaz…

[Re-enter Tybalt]

Benvolio: Here comes Tybalt!

Romeo: I’m going to kill him.

Benvolio: What!?! I thought you loved him!

Romeo: He killed Mercutio!

Benvolio: No, Mercutio died of a heart attack.

Romeo: Well, indirectly, Mercutio died from spazzing out about the wound he inflicted—
Ah, I don’t have time to discuss psychology with you! Tybalt, you’re dead!

[They fight, Tybalt falls]

Tybalt: Ouch! [dies]

Benvolio: Romeo, get out of here! Otherwise, you’ll be arrested and killed.

Romeo: Oh, crap! [Exit]

[Enter everybody else except for Juliet]

Prince: What on earth is going on here?

Benvolio: Tybalt killed Mercutio, and Romeo killed Tybalt.

Prince: Ah.

L. Capulet: Liar! Twenty people killed Tybalt!

Montague: Where is Romeo now?

L. Capulet: He must be executed for his dreadful crimes!

Prince: Nah, I didn’t really like Tybalt that much. [he gasps and looks around] Did I just
say that out loud? Well, I’ll just banish Romeo.

L. Capulet: No! Kill him! Kill him!

Capulet: My sweeting, you must calm thyself now, ho!

L. Capulet: DID YOU JUST CALL ME A HO?

Montague: Most likely. He calls everyone a ho.

Capulet: It was a bloody space filler syllable!

Prince: ENOUGH! All of you, go home!

[Exeunt]

ACT 3, Scene 2
Juliet’s chamber.

Juliet: Come on night! Let’s go night! Come on Romeo! I want to be together with my
wonderful beau… at night! Night night night night night night night!

[Enter Nurse]

Juliet: Hi nurse! Do you have the rope ladder for Romeo to sneak into my room on?

Nurse: Yes. [long pause] HE’S DEAD! HE’S DEAD, HE’S DEAD, HE’S DEAD!

Juliet: What? He’s dead? Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo…

Nurse: [weepy] I saw the wound…

Juliet: …oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo…

Nurse: …there on his manly breast…

Juliet: [puzzled] Isn’t that kind of an oxymoron?

Nurse: [thoughtful] Well yeah, sort of.

Juliet: [weepy] Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo…

Nurse: [weepy] A piteous corpse, bedaubed with blood…

Juliet …oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo…

Nurse: He’s dead, dead, dead!!!

Juliet: …oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo…

Nurse: [irritated] Will you cut that out? It’s really annoying.

Juliet: [repentant] Sorry.

Nurse: Thank you. [weepy] Oh Tybalt, Tybalt, Tybalt! You hunk of burning a—

Juliet: [startled] What?!? Is Tybalt dead too? Then everyone might as well be dead!
Without Romeo and Tybalt, there’s no point in living!

Nurse: Actually, Romeo’s alive.

Juliet: [joyful] REALLY?!?

Nurse: Yeah. He ran away after he killed Tybalt.

Juliet: [angry] WHAAAAAAAAAAT?!?!?!?!? ROMEO, YOU—

[A curtain with a smiley face saying “Please wait” drops down, hiding the stage.
From behind it we can hear incoherent shrieks, crashes, and censoring beeps. Then the curtain rises, revealing a messy room, cringing nurse, and angry Juliet]

Nurse: Yes indeed! Romeo is a terrible jerk!

Juliet: You take that back!

Nurse: Huh? You were just dissing him a minute ago!

Juliet: Yes, but I’m married to him.

Nurse: I suppose so. I’ll go get him so he can comfort you. [pause] And get his happy
nights… [Exit Nurse]

Juliet: WHAAAAAAAAAAT?!?!?!?!?

[Exeunt]

ACT 3, Scene 3
Friar Lawrence’s cell.

Friar L.: For heavens’ sakes, boy, stop crying!

Romeo: [weepy] Boohoohoo! I just ruined my life! What is the Prince going to do to me?

Friar L.: He’s not going to put you to death. You’re just banished.

Romeo: BANISHED? Oh, please, Friar, kill me now! There’s no world outside Verona.

Friar L.: Yes there is.

Romeo: No there isn’t.

Friar L.: [irritated] Yes there is.

Romeo: Liar!

Friar L.: Romeo! I teach geography at the Holy Franciscan Friar Brotherhood of Jesus
Christ University! THERE IS A WORLD OUTSIDE VERONA!

Romeo: [weepy] But I can’t see Juliet. All the little kitties and puppies and mice babies
and worms and carrion flies and little sausages can look at Juliet, but I can’t! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Friar L.: [slaps Romeo] Pull yourself together!

Romeo: [weepy] You’re cutting off my head with a golden axe! You’re smiling at my
horrible misfortune! I HATE YOU!

[Enter Yoda]

Yoda: Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering. Suffer, you will,
for the path to the dark side, this is.

[Exit Yoda]

Friar L.: Listen to the little green thing. Feeling sorry for yourself isn’t going to help you
at all. [Knock at the door] Romeo, get up and hide!

Romeo: No. I’d rather die!

Friar L.: Get up, boy! [Knock] Coming! [to Romeo] Come on, or you’ll never see Juliet
again!

[Romeo gets up reluctantly and puts a paper bag over his head, then stands in the
corner. Friar Lawrence throws up his hands angrily and answers the door.]

Nurse: Is Romeo there?

Friar L.: Yeah. Romeo, come out from your brilliant hiding place.

[Romeo sullenly takes off the paper bag and comes over to the Nurse]

Romeo: [weepy] Why do I have to be a Montague? If I were a Capulet, none of this
would be happening. Where in my body is my name? I will cut it off.

Nurse: If you’re talking about your family name, I suggest waiting to get rid of it until
you’ve had at least one happy night.

Romeo: Does Juliet still love me?

Nurse: Yeah, and I’m surprised she does.

Romeo: [happy] Then go and tell her I’m coming to her!

[He dances out of the room]
[Nurse and Friar Lawrence look at each other and shrug]
[Exeunt]

ACT 3, Scene 4
Capulet’s manse.

[Enter Lord and Lady Capulet and Paris]

Capulet: You know, I think you and Juliet should get married this Thursday.

Paris: Yippee!

L. Capulet: I’ll tell Juliet the good news later.

[He dances out of the room, Capulet shrugs and follows]
[Exeunt]

ACT 3, Scene 5
Juliet’s chambers.

[Enter Romeo and Juliet, behind a screen. They have obviously had a happy night]

Romeo: The little birdies are singing. I need to leave. [starts dressing]

Juliet: But those were the little birdies of night singing.

Romeo: The sun’s coming up.

Juliet: No, that’s just a particularly bright star.

Romeo: That’s what the sun is.

Juliet: Well, it’s still night. Let’s be happy.

Romeo: All right. We’ll be happy, and then they can kill me.

Juliet: Oh, look at the time. Is it daytime already? You need to go.

Romeo: All right [Kisses her] Goodbye.

[Exit Romeo]
[Enter Nurse]

Nurse: Juliet, your mother’s coming! Put something on!

[Juliet drags on a nightgown as Lady Capulet comes in]

L. Capulet: I can’t believe Tybalt is dead!

Juliet: Neither can I!

L. Capulet: Don’t worry, we’ll kill that villain Romeo who did it.

Juliet: Hooray! I’ll mix up the poison!

L. Capulet: Good girl. Now, I have some happier news for you.

Juliet: [falsely excited] Really?

L. Capulet: Yes! You’re getting married on Thursday!

Juliet: WHAAAAAAAAAAT?!?!?!?!?

L. Capulet: Don’t sound so surprised. You’re of good marrying age. I found you the
perfect man, Count Paris.

Juliet: FRENCHIE? Why? I don’t even like him one little bit! I’d rather marry Romeo.

L. Capulet: Ingrate! Here we go and get you a nice arranged marriage and you have the
sauce to refuse? Ugh! Your father is going to be furious!

[Enter Capulet]

Capulet: What am I going to be furious about?

L. Capulet: She doesn’t want to marry Paris.

Capulet: WHAAAAAAAAAAT?!?!?!?!?

[The curtain with a smiley face saying “Please wait” drops down, hiding the
stage. From behind it we again hear incoherent shrieks, crashes, and censoring beeps. Then the curtain rises, revealing a messy room, cringing nurse and Juliet, and angry Lord and Lady Capulet.]

Capulet: If you don’t marry him, I’ll disown you!

[Exit Capulet]

Juliet: Come on, mom, show me some love!

L. Capulet: No. I agree with your father.

[Exit Lady Capulet]

Juliet: Nurse, what do you think? I’ve heard of having more than one wife, but having
more than one husband?

Nurse: You could move to Utah. Or you could just dump Romeo and marry Paris, that
nice hunk of burning a—

Juliet: [hurriedly] All right. I’ll think about it. [Exit Nurse] What a bloody stupid thing to
do. I’m going to Friar Lawrence to see what he can do about this, and if he can’t do anything, at least I’ll be able to commit suicide.

[Exeunt]

~~~~~~~~

Come back, people. Pleeeeeeeease...

Regards, IRS

[Vortigern]

"It's a space filler syllable!" Hey, are you going to do the whole Shakespeare collection sooner or later? That would be hilarious.