Jump to content


Photo

Contest Analysis by Rafv--Sin


  • Please log in to reply
4 replies to this topic

#1 Rafv Nin IV

Rafv Nin IV

    Vermin of Revora

  • Members
  • 1,224 posts
  • Projects:RPG Frontier

Posted 07 July 2009 - 03:40 PM

I'm essentially doing what Dauth did for the contest about nine months ago. If you have yet to cast your vote, please go here and do so before your vote may be influenced.

Feel free to add your own comments. I do recognize that I am critiquing skilled writers, some more skilled than me, so don't be offended if I offer advice that I myself need to follow, or that deliberately contradicts the effect you were going for. ;)

Vortigern: I greatly enjoyed this piece, especially the conversation of the protagonist's 'friends' around her bedside. I had difficulty deciding whether to vote for yours or Matias's, but eventually went with Matias. My only criticism is that it feels too choppy in places. Periods aren't the only methods with which to make pauses in the character's thoughts, and I think that with a few sentence rearrangements and different punctuation in places, some passages could be improved. Other than that, I can't really offer anything.

Rafv Nin IV (me): I was not entirely pleased with this piece. I did not feel as if I gave the ending justice--it was too abrupt and leapt without enough explanation from a druggie in a bathroom to a brutal murder among bookshelves. However, I'm rather pleased with the first Shawna Pearson scene. I don't normally write true short stories; most of what I write could be termed vignettes, so there's lots of room for improvement.

Mike: With a prompt of sin, what better topic to write on than Original Sin? While I had a fair bit of fun reading your entry, it was severely fragmented, although that appears to be a style choice. The same remark I made about Vort's piece being choppy applies here. This was, regardless, a nice piece...except that the word count limit was 1500 words, not 2500 words. That's the primary reason I didn't consider yours for voting along with Vort's and Matias's. I'll also say that the phrase "I woke up" is not exactly one that catches the attention, but the story picked up quickly enough that the weak entrance did not detract too much.

Matias: I'm not entirely sure what the qualifications are, but I always seem to be able to recognize your writing without looking at who the author is. You've got a distinct voice. The quality I loved most about this piece was that, of the five of us, you were the only one that seemed as if you had a point to prove other than "I can make a cool story about sinful people." The commentary on the right to doctor-assisted-suicide gave a sense of passion to the piece--that you really cared about what you were writing.

Ithilienranger732: That's an entertaining couple of paragraphs, but it is obvious that you didn't worry overly much about this contest. :) That being said, thanks for contributing *glares at non-competitors*. I've seen writing of yours that far surpasses this, so next contest...:p Additionally, I'm not entirely sure why you wavered between past and present tenses in sections.

I didn't cover everything, but I've illustrated what I thought when I read. Feel free to add your own comments.

Edited by Rafv Nin IV, 07 July 2009 - 03:41 PM.

Posted Image


#2 mike_

mike_

    Student of Homer.

  • Global Moderators
  • 4,323 posts
  • Location:Gulfport, MS
  • Projects:The Peloponnesian Wars Mod.
  •  There are no heroes, no villains - only decisions.
  • Division:Community
  • Job:Global Moderator

Posted 07 July 2009 - 03:57 PM

I actually felt that my story had a strong beginning and didn't really 'follow up' after it. And the word limit thing.. well, it just got out of hand. And I still didn't write all that I wanted to :p

#3 Mathijs

Mathijs

    Post-modern Shaman

  • Network Leaders
  • 13,702 posts
  • Projects:Age of the Ring
  • Division:Revora
  • Job:Leader

Posted 07 July 2009 - 04:16 PM

Thank you for the kind words. My story was about the morality of sin, and it reflected my opinion that Christian morality often isn't very moral at all to me. You were quite right about me trying to prove a point. :p

No fuel left for the pilgrims


#4 Vortigern

Vortigern

    Sumquhat quisquis.

  • Division Leaders
  • 4,654 posts
  • Location:Oxfordshire, England.
  • Projects:Workin'...
  •  ...like a workin' man do.
  • Division:Role-Playing Games
  • Job:Division Leader

Posted 07 July 2009 - 05:10 PM

I'm rather pleased that you liked mine, Rafv, given that I knocked it together in about three hours. I didn't have nearly as much time for it as I'd planned because I suddenly found work, but with long days and an exhausting schedule. If I'd had more time I'd have gone for something with more emphasis on her having been struck down for her sins (being pride, mainly, and being a bitch, secondarily. What's that officially called by Christians?) instead of on her personal suffering.

I let Mike's entry in because the word limit was as much to stop people sending me essays and novellas rather as to challenge you to be concise. Besides, it was obvious a fair amount of effort went into it, so I wasn't about to reject it.
I hope I am a good enough writer that some day dwarves kill me and drink my blood for wisdom.

#5 mike_

mike_

    Student of Homer.

  • Global Moderators
  • 4,323 posts
  • Location:Gulfport, MS
  • Projects:The Peloponnesian Wars Mod.
  •  There are no heroes, no villains - only decisions.
  • Division:Community
  • Job:Global Moderator

Posted 07 July 2009 - 05:13 PM

(being pride, mainly, and being a bitch, secondarily. What's that officially called by Christians?)

Divine Retribution, I believe :p

Edited by mike_, 07 July 2009 - 05:14 PM.





0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users