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#1 Námo



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Posted 30 December 2009 - 07:55 PM

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Middle Earth Immigration Officials Swamped by Waves of Arriving Geeks

Minas Tirith, Gondor. Officials at the Ministry of Immigration in Gondor’s capital city face a rising crisis: a huge influx of human refugees. Shiploads of geeks escaping the horrors and drudgery of life in the 21st century have been arriving on the coast of Middle Earth. Officials in The Shire, a tiny, rustic country in the north, have been seeing boats full of geek refugees coming into the nearby port of the Grey Havens. This is especially alarming to the inhabitants of The Shire, a short, peace-loving people called hobbits (or halflings, as they are known in the south).

“There’ve been some strange folk crossing the Shire...geeks and others of a less savory nature,” said the Gaffer Gamgee, the sage of Bagshot Row in Hobbiton. His son, the famed Samwise the Brave, is also concerned. “King Elessar has banned the Big Folk from the borders of the Shire,” said Master Gamgee, Mayor of the Shire, “but these geeks don’t seem to know that. Now, it’s not that I’m against humans, mind. Some of my best friends are men--but we’re so much smaller, you see, and don’t have the proper lodgings for larger folk.”

King Elessar, who resides primarily in Minas Tirith, has been criticized for being “soft” on the geeks, saying only, “Not so long ago, the world of men was almost destroyed by the Dark Lord Sauron and his evil henchman, the traitorous wizard Saruman. How can we deny these geeks - people of our own kind, after all - a safe haven from the cruelty and mindless malice of the 21 st century?”

Privately, however, some officials in Minas Tirith have expressed misgivings about this open door policy. One concerned minister said off the record, “We do not have the infrastructure to absorb a million geeks. They will be the bane of Gondor.” Another complained, “I blame Peter Jackson and his documentary film, The Lord of the Rings. If it weren’t for that film, most of these geeks would never even know Middle Earth existed.”

Beregond, Captain of the White Company (the Guard of Prince Faramir of Ithilien) was more optimistic. “The ruined city of Osgiliath is all but empty. If the geeks are willing to work at restoring Osgiliath, they would have a new home and the city would once again be the Queen of the Anduin.”

Recent events in the United States of America have swelled the number of refugees from that land. Though some are seeking asylum in Canada and New Zealand, many are arriving in Middle Earth. One former “blue state” geek said, “The fires in the Middle East will spread, and the woods of Europe and America will burn. Here, at least, we’ll have the Shire....”

A surprising number of the geeks are women. Some of them spoke to this reporter about their move. Carolyn, a petite lady who legally changed her last name to Baggins, has moved into a vacant dwelling in the Shire village of Hobbiton. “Frodo doesn’t live here anymore. There’s always been a Baggins living here under the Hill at Bag End, and now there always will be.”

Marissa, a shy, bookish lady from Minnesota who spends her summers in Rivendell, recently bought a sunny townhouse in Minas Tirith. Upon viewing the sad state of the decaying archives in the city, she said, “Gondor has no librarians. Gondor needs librarians.” Katrina, a novelist, will soon join her. Katrina recently wrote her friend, “I want to see mountains again, Marissa. Mountains! Then find somewhere quiet where I can finish my book.”

A woman who now goes by the Elvish name of Idril told her friends in Utah, “I need a holiday, a very long holiday, and I don’t expect I shall return. In fact, I mean not to.” She heard Legolas Greenleaf, one of the leading figures in the War of the Ring, is bringing a contingent of elves to live in Ithilien, just across the river Anduin. She’s already staked a claim to some prime real estate near the falls of Henneth Annûn in anticipation of the elves’ arrival. The Golden Wood of Lothlorien looks good to other elf-friends, who are hoping that part of the Ithilien Elvish contingent can be persuaded to re-populate the former Elvish stronghold.

Though most of the geeks are coming to escape the excesses of 21 st century life, there are some entrepreneurs arriving as well. Bill from Maryland wants to start a wind farm near Edoras, in the land of Rohan. King Eomer, another hero of the War for the Ring, is supposedly considering the plan, which would bring electricity and hot showers to the Riddermark. Kathleen is also moving to the Mark to learn more about the Rohirrim’s horse breeding techniques, and what distinguishes the Mearas from lesser breeds of horses.

Amy wants to start a Language Academy that would teach the new arrivals Sindarin (a form of Elvish) and other languages of Middle Earth. Jenny, a refugee from the wintry land of Fargo, has plans for re-vamping the fashion palette of the capital city, which is currently a rather somber dark blue, gray or black... “Emerald green is the new black,” she said, “to signify the new flowering of the White Tree.” And Dionne would like to start a coffee plantation in the hills of Harad. “What can I say? I’m addicted to cafe lattés.”

Will the citizens of Minas Tirith soon be sipping cappuccinos in a Gondorian version of Starbucks? “Perish the thought,” said the Minister of Commerce, who was visibly appalled at the idea of the mammoth coffee chain entering the Middle Earth market.

While most geeks are trying to escape the frenetic culture of the 21 st century, their very presence may be enough to subtly alter the Middle Earth cultures they so admire. Still, Daria from California expressed the hopes and desires of the majority of geeks when she said:

“It’s no bad thing to celebrate a simple life.”

So, if you got the chance, where in Middle-earth would you settle? ... and why?

... elen síla lúmenn´ ómentielvo ...
... a star shines on the hour of our meeting ...
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#2 Ring o' Fate

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Posted 30 December 2009 - 08:07 PM

Rohan. Because it's the land of the awesome horsemen. :p
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#3 Florisz


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Posted 30 December 2009 - 08:30 PM

Ah... Maybe Moria, or maybe the Grey Havens. :p
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#4 Mathijs


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Posted 30 December 2009 - 08:35 PM

Annúminas, after King Elessar rebuilt it.

No fuel left for the pilgrims

#5 Allathar



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Posted 30 December 2009 - 08:36 PM

Mount Doom. Saves quite a bit on the gas bill.
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#6 Masterbadeend



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Posted 30 December 2009 - 10:32 PM

I guess the gasbill is quite important :p.
I think I would like to live in the Shire, because of the great amounts of food :p.

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#7 Lauri


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Posted 30 December 2009 - 10:43 PM


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#8 Ridder Geel

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Posted 30 December 2009 - 10:46 PM

I will be in the Forbidden Pool with my homies! :p :p
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#9 Kwen



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Posted 30 December 2009 - 10:54 PM

Next to the Three Troll Statues. It looks like very nice woods. :p

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#10 Elvenlord


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Posted 31 December 2009 - 12:24 AM

Either Rivendell, for my love of the mountains, or Lindon, for my love of the sea.


#11 Puppeteer


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Posted 31 December 2009 - 12:27 AM

Lothlorien, for my love of forests.
Or Fangorn. Seems less... tame. I don't deny the power of Lothlorien, though.

#12 Radspakr Wolfbane

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Posted 31 December 2009 - 06:34 AM

Gunbadad for sure.
But I'd visit Khazad Dum frequently.

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#13 Ergopad

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Posted 31 December 2009 - 06:49 AM

Might a bit cliche, but Hobbiton. There I'd enjoy some pipeweed, good food and drink with my wife and children. :p

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#14 Archon


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Posted 31 December 2009 - 11:43 AM

Erebor. I've always wanted to live in a mountain... :p
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#15 King_of_Shadow

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Posted 31 December 2009 - 03:32 PM

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#16 Taralom


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Posted 31 December 2009 - 03:58 PM

Either Rhûn, for my love of warfare, or Minas Tirith. At least somewhere in the southeast. So it's gondor or Rhûn.
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#17 Bereneth Túrien

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Posted 31 December 2009 - 04:59 PM

Most certainly Lothlorien. Because of my love of trees.
Or maybe Mithlond, since I love the sea.

Somewhere elven.

I used to be {AE}Manveru, if that rings a bell.

#18 mike_


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Posted 31 December 2009 - 07:58 PM

Mirkwood, in Thranduil's Halls.

#19 MirkwoodArcher


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Posted 31 December 2009 - 08:02 PM

Somewhere Elvish. Hard decision.

Lindon is cool because it is part of the non-existent Beleriand.

I think I'd be happy to be in any Elvish land. :D
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#20 mike_


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Posted 31 December 2009 - 08:05 PM

Cuivinien? :D

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