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To all would-be botters


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#1 Ash

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Posted 10 September 2010 - 06:41 AM

Right. Since the fuckers just won't quit, and I'm at a loss as to why they infect this board and no other, I think I ought to offer their creators a few pointers to help them blend in a tad. Right now we can spot them a mile off.

1) Usernames
I know, I know, all the best ones are taken, but please, a set of random letters cobbled together? All in lower-case? Numbers intermingled higgledy-piggledy in there? Or worst of all, naming the bot the same thing as the scam shit you want to advertise? Honestly, can you really do no better than this? No normal human being could possibly remember all that crap, unless they used those details for every forum they visit. And pfizerprekdyui452265 probably isn't a name I'd want to keep very long. Think what that username says about you: I don't give two shits whatsoever about the persona I am creating, and I have a limp dick. Think, botter, would you take that username seriously? If not, fuck off.

2) Google May Be Your Friend, But Google Translation Isn't
The words I understand. Their position in a sentence, I do not. Read my paper "Just Because This Is The Internet..." for more insight.

3) Relevance and sense made
You're more likely to suck us in if your posts are actually remotely on-topic, and actually make some actual kind of sense. Just take a look at this example from a bot named 'linsim' (again - take note of the shamelessly shitty username)

U.S. government rappelz rupees,data reveals that up to 44% of the U.S. workforceis single -- and it may be because of work. Here are four reasons why your job might be keeping you single and what to do about it.Many people who are single say their jobs don't leave them with enough time to meet Mr. or Mrs. Right. You may have made a consciousdecision to make career your No. 1 priority. Or it may be that pursuing your dream job is easier than pursuing your dream partner. Whatever the reason, dedicating too much of your time and energy to your career will cause your dating life to flounder rappelz rupees.
replica sunglasses,
Solution: Make dating your work. Approach your social life with the same determination and commitmentyou apply to your career. You wouldn't expect to get ahead at work if you didn't put in the time. Make an investment in your coupled future by setting dating goals, like committing a certain number of hours a week to dating. "My boss knows I'm single and singles me out replica sunglasses."
maple story power leveling,
Singles are often expected to work late, travel for business, and take on last minute assignments because they don't have "family commitments." For example, Pennsylvania Governor Ed Rendell stated last year that the choice of Janet Napolitano as Homeland Security Secretary was an excellentone because she has "no family and no life" and could devote 19-20 hours a day to the job maple story power leveling.
world of warcraft gold,
Solution: Value your dating commitments. If your boss asks you to work late, you don't always have to say "yes." Saying that you already have plans is an acceptableexcuse. It's great to be able to put in the hours to get ahead at work, but make sure that you're not allowing work to get in the way of your other life goals. "Everyone I know is taken/married/coupled up."While this may not seem to be a job-related issue, it could be. Statistics show that nearly half of all married couples met at work. So you're at a disadvantage if your work doesn't provide you with opportunities to meet and hang out with other singles world of warcraft gold.
wedding dresses,
Solution: Create your own dating pool. Branch out and try different approaches to meeting other singles. Join a local group/club, attend a different restaurant/bar, or join 40 million Americans using online dating and social networking sites to meetavailablesingles.Going back to school can help you advance your career and give you a chance to interact with like-minded people. Use the free education-decision test to find out if going back to school is the right move for you. "No one wants to date a wedding dresses"
Atlantica gold,
Unfortunately, some jobs come with certain stereotypes that can make a prospective date run for the hills. For example, being a lawyer or therapistcould make you a dating pariah because nobody's idea of a good date is to argue or be psychoanalyzed!Solution: Be yourself, not your job. If you have a job with a poor career dating profile, don't reinforce these prejudgments. Be aware of the stereotypes that go along with your job title and avoid discussing work-related topics until you and your date have a better understanding of each other Atlantica gold.


So, heads-up Americans - running out of whatever the fuck a rappelz rupee is, not wearing replica sunglasses (?), not being a high enough level in Maple Story or having enough gold in WoW are the four biggest reasons that Americans are single. And remember, folks, above all else: "No one wants to date a wedding dresses." Note also the sheer inanity of every word written. Somehow this idiot got to five posts before he got noticed. Perhaps posting in a thread that's eight months old and about news updates on Revora blew his cover.

If you're going to post a new thread, don't put :thumbsupsmiley: as your post icon. Though now you guys have got smart and actually started posted in threads. Shame you aren't smart enough to post in topics relevant to the shit you are trying to peddle.

Blend in
DO:
Upload an avatar.
Post normally before you post links.
Have a human do the posting, rather than just the registering.
Talk on-topic.

DON'T:
Put the links in your sig. We can tell, you know; we aren't stupid. We can spot the interlopers among us who do not belong, and we won't be taken in.
Put links randomly in your post. Trade secret from the top: We can actually see them, because they're different colours to the rest of the text. Gosch!
Copy-paste the stuff you posted in other threads, or on different forums.
Make up inane bullshit (see above). Come up with something plausible.

Links
Why? What exactly are you getting out of putting these silly links to pointless crap?

Never mind. That you are suggests it's important to you. Just be aware that NO SANE PERSON IS GOING TO CLICK ON THEM. If your links were more innocuous and interesting, we might be taken in. But, no. And please get rid of the ActiveX controls embedded in the sites - we're all gamers and geeks on this here forum - we aren't dumb enough to fall for that ploy, and haven't been since secondary school. Well, except the seething acne-ridden hordes of us who are still at secondary school (rather more than I'd like, incidentally), who might very well be suckered. But even they would notice the above points and think "Oh-oh-oh! You nearly got me there! You sly boots" If you really want to infect their computers, you're going to have to do better. Have an URL that is actually plausible and spoof-like. For example, instead of best-pfizer.net, why not try discountgames.com? While I imagine most geeks haven't had a lot of experience with women and so might be limp-dicked, we're an honourable enough breed to maybe bookmark the link for a time when we need it, but we'll be sucked in by an offer of getting games cheap.

Incidentally, quit with the fucking porn, dating and drugs links. Get sponsors who might offer something relevant to us. We are of the INTERNET. We can find porn all fucking day long. There are enough dating sites, and besides - we aren't stupid enough to think any female will actually want us (we're mostly past the self-deception stage of our lives), and I can't remember the last time I needed any of the drugs that were advertised on one of your links. Because that was never. I'm virile enough, thank you, and I'm happy with my weight. Try a frumpy-old-mums forum. Most of these young 'uns don't even know what acid is, so you're wasting your time trying to sell them diet pills.



So yeah. If your cunning and evil plot is to succeed, you might wanna try working on the above points. I hope this public service announcement has been useful to you.

addictive drugs
porn
singles

#2 Taralom

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Posted 10 September 2010 - 10:04 AM

God, it all comes together now!
The main reason I cannot find women is because of my "older-than-I-am" orginal RayBan sunglasses!
Couldn't someone tell me earlier?

Star Wars Replicas

Edited by Taralom, 10 September 2010 - 10:04 AM.

If the above post offended you in any way,
please take note that, until further notice, I don't care, so get lost.

#3 Mathijs

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Posted 10 September 2010 - 12:56 PM

Well that was a collosal waste of time.

No fuel left for the pilgrims


#4 Copaman

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Posted 10 September 2010 - 02:56 PM

Why are we getting destroyed by bots right now? I've noticed a lot more bot activity recently...

Posted Image

 

If you meet me:

Have some courtesy,

Have some sympathy,

And some taste.

Use all your well-learned politesse,

Or I'll lay your soul to waste.


#5 Allathar

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Posted 10 September 2010 - 03:48 PM

Magnets?
It has been reported that some victims of rape, during the act, would retreat into a fantasy world from which they could not WAKE UP. In this catatonic state, the victim lived in a world just like their normal one, except they weren't being raped. The only way that they realized they needed to WAKE UP was a note they found in their fantasy world. It would tell them about their condition, and tell them to WAKE UP. Even then, it would often take months until they were ready to discard their fantasy world and PLEASE WAKE UP

#6 Mathijs

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Posted 10 September 2010 - 04:14 PM

Why are we getting destroyed by bots right now? I've noticed a lot more bot activity recently...

Being destroyed by bots? What?

No fuel left for the pilgrims


#7 Ash

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Posted 10 September 2010 - 05:19 PM

Well that was a collosal waste of time.

Well, I thought it was funny. :grin:

#8 Caspa

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Posted 10 September 2010 - 05:23 PM

I thought it was both pathetic and pointless.

Revora at it's finest, really.

EDIT: Speaking of bots, Microsoft scores legal victory against massive botnet

Edited by Acrimonious, 10 September 2010 - 05:49 PM.

Hostile is a cunt.

Thought I'd have that here to save time.

#9 Ash

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Posted 10 September 2010 - 08:38 PM

For all the good it's done.

#10 Vortigern

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Posted 10 September 2010 - 08:48 PM

making it easier to behead other nefarious web operations.

That's the best thing I've read all day. :grin:
I hope I am a good enough writer that some day dwarves kill me and drink my blood for wisdom.

#11 Caspa

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Posted 10 September 2010 - 08:53 PM

Did I bring a happy news link or what? :grin:
Hostile is a cunt.

Thought I'd have that here to save time.

#12 {IRS}Athos

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Posted 11 September 2010 - 02:43 AM

I don't know about the rest of the post content, but the links at the end of Ash's post were rather droll.

Also, that was an amazing article. :grin:
BulletsfromaGunbanner_zps974f3ea8.png

Careful. This link is DANGEROUS. Do NOT click it. This one, however, is fine.

I had the meaning of life in my signature, but it exceeded the character limit.

#13 Ash

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Posted 11 September 2010 - 06:07 AM

Ergh. My talents are wasted on you lot.

#14 {IRS}Athos

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Posted 11 September 2010 - 02:28 PM

At least I appreciated some of it. :grin:
BulletsfromaGunbanner_zps974f3ea8.png

Careful. This link is DANGEROUS. Do NOT click it. This one, however, is fine.

I had the meaning of life in my signature, but it exceeded the character limit.

#15 Beowulf

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Posted 11 September 2010 - 08:28 PM

Ergh. My talents are wasted on you lot.

Hey. I thought the links at the end were fantastic. :grin:

NZ.org | BBPCG
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#16 Yarrum

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Posted 19 October 2010 - 10:32 PM

In case you were curious, rupees are the currency of the 'free' MMO Rappelz. I used to play it, and in its early days it was incredibly fun. However, things such as the online cash shop and online rupee sellers destroyed the game's economy and drove out most of the veteran players. Any time you're in a town now, half of the players will be spam-bots advertising rupee-selling sites, and they're spreading around the internet.

KotW%20Left%20Morgul%20Banner.jpg
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frodo_sam.jpg


#17 Neth

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Posted 19 October 2010 - 11:54 PM

:p Hilarious, first time I read this I woke up my whole house :D

Posted Image
Posted Image

This face means nothing, these hands hold nothing, these lungs are empty, these eyes are blind


#18 Destroyer

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Posted 20 October 2010 - 01:14 AM

That was excellent. I'll keep it in mind for my next wave of bot attacks.

#19 Elvenlord

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Posted 20 October 2010 - 01:18 AM

The links very much completed the entire piece.

elvenlordbanner.jpg
 


#20 Ash

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Posted 25 October 2010 - 06:25 AM

Posted Image

Hey! Our bot problems are forever solved!




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