I just saw a movie about guys with swords, and it's got to be said... I pooped myself. It was just the best gosh darn thing I've ever seen. None of that is true...
What the waffles was this movie? Staring the guy with curly hair that looks like stinking John Snow from that TV show people like, Curley McGee kicks a guy into a fire who liked to brag about grave robing his dead wife, went into the woods, then the guy from Taken taught him how to swing a friggin' sword downward. That's how you become a Crusader... you swing your dumb ef'ing sword down in a straight line and complain about your dead wife until your gosh darn enemies vomit in rage. Special effects.
Then we go to the middle east and people get killed, occasionally. Don't mess with Curley Joe... he'll knock your block off. He had 3 minutes of training and he's ready to go on a killing spree since his rage meter is maxed out. Or something... I don't quite understand how science works. Then the guy from Taken dies... holy spit... what now? Well Jeremy Irons comes out of nowhere and manages to heroically sit down and say nothing for the rest of the movie, perfect just in case you needed to go take a crap or refill your popcorn since the camera likes to stall on his facial expressions for hours at a time. And just in case you needed to take an extra big crap or fulfill your lifetime goal of obtaining type 2 diabetes with your darn popcorn, nothing really happens in the move for 80% of it. If you wanted a good battle scene, you get to see a man with ketchup in his beard get stabbed, then there's a battle at the end. You're probably vomiting yourself into a coma from the sound of that.
Oh, and a woman randomly comes into the movie. Oh boy... I hope she doesn't fall in love with the main character who just lost his dead, grave-robbed wife... well it doesn't matter what I hope. She does. Only woman in the whole firggin' movie, and the only role she had was to awkwardly flail her dumb, woman arms at the camera and kiss Curley Pete in disgust since he probably smells like cabbage. Everyone back then probably smelt like cabbage.
So what's my rating for this movie? I don't friggin' know. Maybe 5? 6? No? Doesn't matter. It was silly. Orlando Bloom.
Edited by {IP}Evil Dad Pasidon, 09 April 2013 - 04:36 PM.
