11 replies to this topic

[Pasidon]

I nether own nor plan to own an Xbox One in the distant future.  I feel legally obligated to say that for some reason.  Probably because I feel Microsoft goons may ambush me and pelt my face with rock salt.

 

Hey!  The newest Bing emulator has been announced, and I know you all can't wait to hear how many Call of Duty games you'll be able to fight for in your next custody battle after your next wife divorces you for designing yet another condom for Bill Gate's "Design me a cool condom for 100,000 bucks" contest.  That... is an actual thing.  Back to the rage.  So the most recent Microsoft conference (reporter genocide pact 2013) was held recently, revealing the long anticipated $400 remote control, the Xbox One.  Not to be confused with the Xbox 1.  Fortunately for me, the conference is being regarded as a tremendous waste of time and the worst Microsoft presentation up to date.  That means it's easier to make fun of.

 

SO MUCH to discuss.  This is a 2 part rage, which I know rustles your jimmies, but I don't give a hoot or a half.  What was the first entire half of the conference?  It was dedicated to say big scary words, like 'transistors' and 'photon beams' to generally confuse the typical person since they explained the Middle Eastern Man's favorite sports teams more than the actual technology.  But if you love sports, making real sports fake, and talking to your drug deal while watching sports... the Xbox One is the thing for you!  You can even stop watching sports and use your 'hopefully American' voice to tell your Xbox to change to your favorite hip movie, which apparently starts randomly in the middle of the film.  "I needed my movies to start immediately after I play my Feifa 17 game, or else I get really angry and pull hair out of my neck-beard." -Everyone In Existence (According to Microsoft)

 

Which we all agree with our neck-bearded friend since we all wish we could be even lazier when being indoors.  But that's fine since the Xbox One has 5 Billion transistors!!!  This is the part where you applaud. 

 

Oh dear!  I almost forgot to talk about games!  It is a GAMING CONSOLE after all.  Well... it also seems everyone at the conference also forgot to talk about games as well.  But luckily we got to see really cool not-gameplay-footage from our favorite chin-strap developers.  IN PART 2!  ... Hey, the cliff-hanger is supposed to be ironic.  You know... cliff-hanger.  Like Microsoft's stock shares after they realize they forgot to appeal to gamers after releasing a 400 dollar piece of technology designed around gamer's money.  Woops!  BING!

[Pasidon]

Silly Pasidon... you forgot to put the funniest part of this entire rage... the actual conference!

 

 

 

I apologize for it being more than 50 seconds.  But if you look closely at one of the developer's screens during the Call of Poopy behind the scenes nonsense, you actually get to see a small portion of gameplay!  Worth your time.  And worth the time of the 40% of the people who thumbs-down the conference in this video.  Apparently their neck-beards do not resonate wisdom like the 60% who enjoy sticking their thumbs up things.

[Radspakr Wolfbane]

[Pasidon]

Bah ha ha!  Excellent.  That was half my material for part 2.  

[Bofur]

For once, I completely agree with you. I didn't watch it all, but did they seriously go on about transistors and photon beams? Photon beams? They're just beams of light. Why would they do that?

I guess it seems that they are now using technobabble to confuse people into thinking it's got amazing new technology by using fancy names for simple features? Why not just design a good product that you know will make money, than make this compromised, lazy effort?

[Pasidon]

Think about it... they designed this conference for people who like Call of Dooty, sports, sports games, people who seem famous, Bing, social networks, and being as lazy as possible.  The entire conference is very much aware the intellectual gamer will not be attending.  So they'll show pre-rendered cut-scenes (not revealing to people they are in fact not in-game graphics) and a bunch of technological nonsense that no one will understand.  This conference looks really, really impressive if you're dumb.  Or according to Microsoft, someone who buy console.  And think about this... Microsoft must have spent months planning this conference, even though this sentence seems hilarious for claiming that.  They know their audience is filled with idiots... they 100% know it.  That might be disturbing to someone who stomachs conspiracy and/or corporate misbehavings.

 

And what do you mean "DUHHH.... FO WANCE EYE AGRE WIT YEW!" ?  I'm always right.  Look me up on Bing... everyone agrees.

[Radspakr Wolfbane]

Bofur Photon beams would be lasers wouldn't they the thing has lasers.

[Elric]

it looks like a bloody VCR.

 

EDIT:

 

i thought the world was moving its technology forward. Not fuckin backwards to freaking VCR crap all over again.. -sigh-

 

PS4 = We will just have to wait and see.

Edited by {IP}Apollo, 31 May 2013 - 03:06 AM.

[Pasidon]

I'm not too concerned about the PS4 either.  Fortunately for Pasidon, I already have the next generation gaming platform.  It's called Computer.  Which has had voice recognition and fantasy basketball programs since the 20th century.

[Radspakr Wolfbane]

An interesting thing with XBox One is it's specs it's equivalent to "good" PCs 3 years ago 8GB of Ram.

Consoles are supposed to be more powerful than PCs so they have a longer sale life.

[Elric]

i wonder if they are planing "two" versions. one more powerful then the other.. that would be interesting.

[Mathijs]

Interesting in the sense of terrible marketing scheme?