I nether own nor plan to own an Xbox One in the distant future. I feel legally obligated to say that for some reason. Probably because I feel Microsoft goons may ambush me and pelt my face with rock salt.
Hey! The newest Bing emulator has been announced, and I know you all can't wait to hear how many Call of Duty games you'll be able to fight for in your next custody battle after your next wife divorces you for designing yet another condom for Bill Gate's "Design me a cool condom for 100,000 bucks" contest. That... is an actual thing. Back to the rage. So the most recent Microsoft conference (reporter genocide pact 2013) was held recently, revealing the long anticipated $400 remote control, the Xbox One. Not to be confused with the Xbox 1. Fortunately for me, the conference is being regarded as a tremendous waste of time and the worst Microsoft presentation up to date. That means it's easier to make fun of.
SO MUCH to discuss. This is a 2 part rage, which I know rustles your jimmies, but I don't give a hoot or a half. What was the first entire half of the conference? It was dedicated to say big scary words, like 'transistors' and 'photon beams' to generally confuse the typical person since they explained the Middle Eastern Man's favorite sports teams more than the actual technology. But if you love sports, making real sports fake, and talking to your drug deal while watching sports... the Xbox One is the thing for you! You can even stop watching sports and use your 'hopefully American' voice to tell your Xbox to change to your favorite hip movie, which apparently starts randomly in the middle of the film. "I needed my movies to start immediately after I play my Feifa 17 game, or else I get really angry and pull hair out of my neck-beard." -Everyone In Existence (According to Microsoft)
Which we all agree with our neck-bearded friend since we all wish we could be even lazier when being indoors. But that's fine since the Xbox One has 5 Billion transistors!!! This is the part where you applaud.
Oh dear! I almost forgot to talk about games! It is a GAMING CONSOLE after all. Well... it also seems everyone at the conference also forgot to talk about games as well. But luckily we got to see really cool not-gameplay-footage from our favorite chin-strap developers. IN PART 2! ... Hey, the cliff-hanger is supposed to be ironic. You know... cliff-hanger. Like Microsoft's stock shares after they realize they forgot to appeal to gamers after releasing a 400 dollar piece of technology designed around gamer's money. Woops! BING!