4 replies to this topic

[Pasidon]

I forgot what the actual name of the movie was.  I write these way too late... I forget what I'm ever talking about.  On that note...

 

Smaug^

 

 

Hey!  Hi.  I'm Pasidon.  The guy who's so edgy, he makes fun of grandmas.  You may remember me from such things as "That time Pasidon made fun of the first Hobbit movie and people yelled at him for it."  Luckily this time, the movie actually was pants.  It was such a pair of skinny trousers, a fat guy is trying to put them on.  But Peter Jackson's special effects only made them look like they fit him.  ... The heck am I going with this? Anypoo: This movie is terrible, and I'll explain why.  Kind of.

 

Starting now.  Bipo Bagpens returns with his team of homeless midgets to reverse moonwalk across Middle Earth out of sheer spite for making an actual living.  But evil awaits!  OoOoOoOo... spooky evil.  Old Duke'em McOrcs returns as well, hunting down the midgets because he doesn't believe in family values and hates kids, or something.  But then is immediately replaced by another super-orc named Fish Face. Fish Face has a face like a fish, and has lines just about as corny as Duke'ems.  He's all about evil stuff, and really wants to show it.  

 

Meanwhile, our team of misfit miners gets themselves into some pretty wacky situations!  Let's skip ahead to the parts that actually sucked.  Spiders are dumb... homeless bear man... elves are nature's pricks... escape... bad CGI river scene... then all of a sudden, we enter the city of Who's Bad Line is it Anyway!  The stinky fish king and his assistant who looks like he would smell really bad thug up the town with their baby fuzz beards.  And an incredibly common man acts like he's not common at all and wastes everyone's time with his boring kids.  I don't care if he has a spear made of unobtanian, he's just pesky and also looks like he would smell really bad.  

 

Meanwhile meanwhile, old man Gandy decides the midgets are boring and goes off on his own adventure!  Adventures... yay... Oh wait, it was completely made up by Jackson...  Crap.  So Gandalf goes and sees some great sights.  A cliff-side dungeon with nothing in it.  Some hills.  He even brings his skinny bird poop friend with him, who is 100% pointless and also looks like he smells really bad.  But then Gandalf comes across Sauron in his hippy years, who is a big fan of LSD and trippy effects.  Oh, how evil he be!  He wants a pimped out super-body for evil's sake, and he's not going to let a 90 year old man who ages backwards stop him.  Old Woodstock Sauron gives us some of the most thrilling dialogue of the 21st century and says wacky things like, "The darkest darkness will consume your soul!"  and "Evil is cool and light stupid, so evil darkness better than light dead, darkness, winner winner Gandy dinner."  That's actually better than what Jackson's team of freckled fanboys wrote.  Then Duke'em McOrc, the most evil of all of Sauron's baby sitters, comes in and says stuff like, "Yea.  Evil better than silly light.  Cage time."  And Gandy gets stuck in a cage because it's rude to kill guests.  Even if you are the lord of all evil's evil.

 

Stay tuned for part 2, where I recycle even more jokes from the last review.

 

To the review of the first movie:

http://forums.revora...iew-the-hobbit/

Edited by Pasidon, 10 June 2015 - 10:36 AM.

[Radspakr Wolfbane]

So much gibberish.

[Pasidon]

You new?

[Irenë Hawnetyne]

It's genuinely easy to see why nobody takes you seriously. If you're gonna bother calling this a review, at least present something of a resemblance to one.

 

I gotta say, most of what you said that I understood was, admittedly, rubbish, and the CGIs weren't that bad - I mean, there's the moment with the flowing gold river near the end which is pretty bad, but the rest is fine.

[Pasidon]

No one thinks these are actual reviews.  I think you've been missing the joke since Rage Hammer 1 if you really think these are meant to be taken seriously.

 

But really, you should be taking these seriously.  The lines Jackson wrote without guidance from the book were awful (that's why I added Sauron to the ""REVIEW"" since his lines were awful and pretty generic as far as antagonists go), Radagast had 0 point in the movie, besides just being there for the heck of it, these orc generals are just so badly written, and the make-up and effects of the orc I call 'Fish-Eyes' is awful (lots of the orcs look sub-par in the past 2 movies), the stinky king of Bree and his Wormtongue'esc assistant were unnecessarily awkward, and just to top off what I was complaining about in a sarcastically punny way, the CGI has moments of pure disconnection.  The river scene was the worst of it.  The gold smelter part being a huge brick in the river as well, but that river scene... my prime example is that log splitting in half.  The CGI on that was almost Loony Toons level of CGI.  

 

That right there is a genuine, rational critique of the film.  I don't do genuine critiques in Rage Hammer.  But it does have valid points, if you can get past the actual point (entertainment, not information).  Because the Jackson-written parts really were just awful... especially the dialogue.  Dear lord on a board.