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A Hatoful Boyfreind Oppinion

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#1 Pasidon


    Splitting Hares

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Posted 19 October 2014 - 09:00 AM



Pigeon dating sim crap.  I spoke on it like 10 galactic spankings ago, but it's popular now for some reason. And not in the way you would expect.  Or is it?  I dunno what you people sneeze out those uncyborg brains these days.  But before I get to my opinion and tell you how stupid it is (woops), let me remind you what it is.  You're a human female with a corporeal body that relies entirely on your perverted imagination for its existence to matter.  And the "plot" revolves around humanity being destruct'oided, or something stupid, and you've reverted back into a hunter-gatherer subsistence system, and yet you live in a cave as opposed to a nomadic lifestyle.  These things are not jokes, they're details the game did to look like it's more than just a bird dating simulator.  Is it?  No.  So you get up one day and start attending a high school that consists of birds.  You click through dense walls of text, like Moses parting the Dead Sea... one molecule at at time.  And even though you do get to choose what 3 classes you would like to attend every day, you're not there to learn.  No, you go to the class that relates to your dream bird, so you can woo and coo to your way to victory. Victory, by the way, is hooking up with the fowl of your desire.  Which isn't hard, if you have two lifetimes to click through everything.


This game is stupid.  This is the opinionated section of our program, by the way.  And boy, oh boy... can I not stand it.  At first, I suspected this was made by people so dumb, they failed to understand how the universe works, let alone their toaster.  Which was acceptable.  But this is actually YouTube bait to the max power.  It's a game where you get to have metaphorical relationships with birds as a typical ditsy fantasy Japanese 12 years old girl, primed and ready for pervy things.  That's it.  Is it funny?  I used to think so, and that's only because I assumed the developers were mentally ill.  But no, they made it ra'tarded intentionally.  It's like making a bad movie on purpose.  It's just not the same... they try too hard.  It's why Squirrel King is one of the greatest writers of our generation... because he doesn't know his writing is illegible and delightfully idiotic.  But yea, here we are.  Talking about Hat'tofu Birdfreind.  Why?  People keep making content based around it, but not like me.  It's people praising this trash, instead of doing their civic duty and spitting on it after they laughed at how crippled the developer's brains are.  The steam page has 96% positive votes, at the time of this post.  96% from over the 500 people that rated it.  Why?  This game is ungodly expensive for what it is, and no one but anime creeps are stupid enough to spend their real money on it.  And they're going to drool all over it, because they're all trolls, or go nuts for anything with words like "Hitzokocoo" and "Putterbutter-ching-dong" in it.  This is not a good game.  Why?  Because it's a game with sodding birds that were Photoshopped out of real pictures, and a series of 10 backgrounds being recycled with either disgustingly serious or eye-twitchingly stupid text going over them.  That's it.  Maybe if it was good writing.


But the writing may be the part that annoys me the most.  It tries to act so snide and smart... to the point where my gums are bleeding from how painfully dry the intelligence is.  The writing is a collaboration of uncited Wikipedia pages and the synonym tool in Microsoft Word.  Using 10 cent words and stereotypical "caveman" nonsense while daring to use the word Neolithic with what's going on here.  Being an actual literate thing with an actual degree in archaeology, I find their attempted intelligence to be, as we say in the business: dumb.  They can be secretly deep as much as they like... in the end, their game is about attempting to be in a serious relationship with birds while being bludgeoned with meme-inspired humor, recycled bird puns, cringe-worthy sexual innuendos, and attempted intellectual writing that was pulled out of a Far Side calender rather than Lewis Binford's gold plated vanilla folder.  


The reason I wasted my time writing this is because I want to send a warning.  Do no buy this game.  Do not give this game attention.  They want you to spend 10-15 dollars on it, and it probably didn't even cost that much to develop it.  If you're some skinny dweeb that's watching anime porn as we speak, then your unexplainable nonsense brain may actually enjoy it.  Go ahead and spend daddy's stolen cigarette money on your bird porn.  But for you individuals of means and worth, take my warning.  Stay away from this bait.  It's one worm this early bird doesn't want to even get close to.  Snarf.


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