The 40 Laws of Anime:
1. Law of Metaphysical Irregularity:
The normal laws of physics do not apply.
2. Law of Differentiated Gravitation:
Whenever someone or something jumps, is thrown, or otherwise is rendered airborn, gravity is reduced by a factor of 4.
3. Law of Sonic Amplification, First Law of Anime Accoustics:
In space, loud sounds, like explosions, are even louder because there is no air to get in the way.
4. Law of Constant Thrust, First Law of Anime Motion:
In space, constant thrust equals constant velocity.
5. Law of Mechanical Mobility, Second Law of Anime Motion:
The larger a mechanical device is, the faster it moves. Armored Mecha are the fastest objects known to human science.
6. Law of Temporal Variability:
Time is not a constant. Time stops for the hero whenever he does something 'cool' or 'impressive'. Time slows down when friends and lovers are being killed and speeds up whenever there is a fight.
7. First Law of Temporal Mortality:
'Good Guys' and 'Bad Guys' both die in one of two ways. Either so quick they don't even see it coming, OR it's a long drawn out affair where the character gains much insight to the workings of society, human existence or why the toast always lands butter side down.
8. Second Law of Temporal Mortality:
It takes some time for bad guys to die... regardless of physical damage. Even when the 'Bad Guys' are killed so quickly they didn't even see it coming, it takes them a while to realize they are dead. This is attributed to the belief that being evil damages the Reality Lobe of the brain.
9. Law of Dramatic Emphasis:
Scenes involving extreme amounts of action are depicted with either still-frames or black screens with a slash of bright color (usually red or white).
10. Law of Dramatic Multiplicity:
Scenes that only happen once, for instance, a 'Good Guy' kicks the 'Bad Guy' in the face, are seen at least 3 times from 3 different angles.
11. Law of Inherent Combustability:
Everything explodes. Everything.
•First Corrallary:
Anything that explodes bulges first.
•Second Corrallary:
Large cities are the most explosive substances known to human science. Tokyo in particular seems to be the most unstable of these cities, sometimes referred to as "The Matchstick City".
12. Law of Phlogistatic Emission:
Nearly all things emit light from fatal wounds.
13. Law of Energetic Emission:
There is alway an energy build up (commonly referred to as an energy 'bulge') before Mecha or space craft weapons fire. Because of the explosive qualities of weapons, it is believed that this is related to the Law of Inherent Combustability.
14. Law of Inverse Lethal Magnitude:
The destructive potential of a weapon is inversly porportional to its size.
15. Law of Inexhaustability:
No one EVER runs out of ammunition. That is of course unless they are cornered, out-numbered, out-classed, and unconscious.
16. Law of Inverse Accuracy:
The accuracy of a 'Good Guy' when operating any form of fire-arm increases as the difficulty of the shot increases. The accuracy of the 'Bad Guys' when operating fire-arms decreases when the difficulty of the shot decreases. (Also known as the Stormtrooper Effect) Example: A 'Good Guy' in a drunken stupor being held upside down from a moving vehicle will always hit, and several battalions of 'Bad Guys' firing on a 'Good Guy' standing alone in the middle of an open field will always miss.
•First Corrallary:
The more 'Bad Guys' there are, the less likely they will hit anyone or do any real damage.
•Second Corrallary:
Whenever a 'Good Guy' is faced with insurmountable odds, the 'Bad Guys' line up in neat rows, allowing the hero to take them all out with a single burst of automatic fire and then escape.
•Third Corrallary:
Whenever a 'Good Guy' is actually hit by enemy fire, it is in a designated 'Good Guy Area', usually a flesh wound in the shoulder or arm, which restricts the 'Good Guy' from doing anything more strenuous than driving, firing weaponry, using melee weapons, operating heavy machinery, or doing complex martial arts maneuvres.
17. Law of Transient Romantic Unreliability:
Minmei is a bimbo. (Note: The Minority Opposition in Ohio disagrees and thinks all men who like this stuff need to get out more.)
18. Law of Hemoglobin Capacity:
The human body contains over 12 gallons of blood, sometimes more, under high pressure.
19. Law of Demonic Consistency:
Demons and other supernatural creatures have at least three eyes, loads of fangs, tend to be yellow-green or brown, but black is not unknown, and can only be hurt bladed weapons.
20. Law of Militaristic Unreliability:
Huge galaxy-wide armadas, entire armies, and large war-machines full of cruel, heartless, bloodthirsty warriors can be stopped and defeated with a single insignifigant example of a caring/loving emotion or a song.
21. Law of Tactical Unreliability:
Tactical geniuses aren't....
22. Law of Inconsequential Undetectability:
People never notice the little things.... Like missing body parts, or wounds the size of Seattle.
23. Law of Juvenile Intellectuality:
Children are smarter than adults. And almost always twice as annoying.
24. Law of Antagonistic Americanthropomorphism:
The really nasty 'Bad Guys' are always skinny Americans.
25. Law of Americanthropomorphistic Intellectual Inferiority :
The stupid 'Good Guys' are always big Americans.
•First Corrallary:
The only people who are more stupid than the big dumb Americans are the American translators. (Sometimes referred to as the Green Line Effect)
•Second Corrallary:
The only people who are more stupid than the American translators are the American editors and censors.
26. Law of Mandibular Proportionality:
The size of a person's mouth is directly proportional to the volume at which they are speaking.
27. Law of Feline Mutation:
Any half-cat/half-human mutation will invariably:
•be female
•will possess ears and sometimes a tail as a genetic mutation
•wear as little clothing as possible, if any
28. Law of Conservation of Firepower:
Any powerful weapon capable of destroying/defeating an opponent in a single shot will invariably be reserved and used only as a last resort.
29. Law of Technological User-Benevolence:
The formal training required to operate a spaceship or mecha is inversely proportional to its complexity.
30. Law of Melee Luminescence:
Any being displaying extremely high levels of martial arts prowess and/or violent emotions emits light in the form of a glowing aura. This aura is usually blue for 'good guys' and red for 'bad guys'. This is attributed to Good being higher in the electromagnetic spectrum than Evil.
31. Law of Non-anthropomorphic Antagonism:
All ugly, non-humanoid alien races are hostile, and usually hell-bent on destroying humanity for some obscure reason.
32. Law of Follicular Chroma Varability :
Any color in the visible spectrum is considered a natural hair color. This color can change without warning or explanation.
33. Law of Topological Aerodynamics, First Law of Anime Aero-Dynamics:
ANY shape, no matter how convoluted or odd-looking, is automatically aerodynamic.
34. Law of Probable Attire:
Clothing in anime follows certain predictable guidelines:
•Female characters wear as little clothing as possible, regardless of whether it is socially or meteorologically appropriate. Any female with an excessive amount of clothing will invariably have her clothes ripped to shreds or torn off somehow.
•Whenever there is a headwind, a Male characters will invariably wear a long cloak which doesn't hamper movement and billows out dramatically behind him.
•First Corrallary (Cryo-Adaptability):
All anime characters are resistant to extremely cold temperatures, and do not need to wear heavy or warm clothing in snow.
35. Female Super Strength Phenomena :
When women get pissed off, they will be able to throw or use heavy objects as weapons or projectiles regardless of the woman's physical stature. The usual objects are mallets, sinks, sections of the wall, matresses, tables, slabs of rock, people, animals, vehicles, houses, trees, mountains, even objects that have been super-heated to 10,000 degrees.
36. Law of Female Invincibility:
If a female is innocent or naivee, they are immune to ANYTHING that normally would mean death or near death to anyone else.
Example: Kasumi. Enough said.
37. Law of Opposite Forces:
For every force, there is a BIGGER and STRONGER opposite force.
38. Law of Solar Winds:
There are Solar Winds in space which like wind, cause a flag to flap.
39. Law of Awkward Disaster:
In an awkward situations between a guy and a girl, a major disaster usually follows after. If not, a cute animal intervenes and a lesser disaster occurs.
40. Extreme Male Expression:
Males who get a glimpse of a naked person (usually a girl), underwear, flashes of skin, and who accidentally touch a girl where they shouldn't or end up tangled in the arms of a girl, WILL become bug-eyed, get a bleeding nose, have gaping jaws, their body locks in place, they faint and/or they go temporarily incoherent and insane.
With perverted men, they usually will try to take advantage of the situation if they don't faint or lock up in place. As a result they will get bodily harm inflicted on themselves or they may simply be sent into a low orbit around Earth before being burned up on the re-entry.
* WWW = World Wide Wait
* ISDN = It Still Does Nothing
* SCSI = System Can't See It
* DOS = Defective Operating System
* IBM = I Blame Microsoft
* PENTIUM = Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding Of Mathematics
* BASIC = Bill's Attempt to Sieze Industry Control
* APPLE = Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
* CD-ROM = Consumer Device - Rendered Obsolete Monthly
* COBOL = Completely Obsolete Business-Orientated Language
* AMIGA = A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction
* MIPS = Meaningless Indicator of Processor Speed
* WINDOWS = Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
* MACINTOSH = Most Applications Crash If Not The Operating System Hangs
* MICROSOFT = Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teens
* PCMCIA = People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
