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The Hobbit 3: Bilbo Vs. Earth

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#1 Pasidon

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Posted 06 January 2015 - 09:49 AM

Watch as ugly people and shampoo models cohabit the same room.

 

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After 6 hours of watching several fat minstrels and a filthy old man travel across the world to kill a dragon and claim his booty bling, we come to the ster(er)ing conclusion of the dragon capitulating in the first 10 minutes of this movie.  We all learned valuable lessons about how people with bad hygiene are more important than everyone else, and it left us saying, "That probably wasn't the first time you used your own dirty son as a human bow."  Instead of idling around and reminiscing about that time we almost saw a bear shape-shift into a grown man without pants on, we stand around and talk about how silly/crazy that old king dwarf guy is when he hasn't taken a dump in 3 months straight.  

 

So dwarf king guy spends the next hour looking for the bling of all blings, and he won't stop until that thing is jammed into his molar as the one grill to rule them all.  Or whatever, since he doesn't really explain why he wants his rainbow glitter stone... just that he wants it now, and he's not afraid to use slow-motion and voice auto-tuners to make his point that doesn't actually exist.  So while our silly gang of misfit gremlins wreck their own ancestral home, old fish eyes and the albino menace plot to take the mountain by trolling it to death (har).  

 

After Gandalf gets done with his quest for ultimate fan servicing against spooky ghosts, he comes to the mountain and warns the good guys that the movie really isn't over yet and that they actually had to do something else, other than making sexist jokes with Wormtounge's distant cousin, Alfred.  After teasing to take their clown shoes off, men and elves prepare to wage war against the fat midgets for being really ratchet and not cool guys at all.  Something, something, worm tunnels... orcs appear, then everyone forgets about how disgusting Alfred is, and they all decide to release their sexual tension by killing lots of innocent orcs.

 

Lots of orcs.  Lots and lots... of orcs... and more orcs... and more... ... oh, and more orcs.  You came into a movie called "Battle of the Five Armies."  And over Tolkien's stone cold corpse, you're going to get it.  All 2 hours of it.  Jackson discovered that Lord of the Rings fans don't really like dialogue and all that stupid emotion stuff, so he found the secret formula of post-modern directing tightly jammed up Michael Bay's anus.  The secret that exploding buildings and brainless beat downs cool and the people like stuff that do big.  It's what you all wanted, right?  Thinking the good guys lost, then suddenly they didn't lost, then suddenly they did lost, then they didn't lost.  Mostly.

 

So yea, stuff happened.  Everyone learned that friendship is awesome, and that Bilbo is a filthy prick that lies to people that trust him.  Then the credits happened, and everyone cheered since they don't have to see those hideous bald caps anymore.  Not until Jackson scrapes some more testosterone fueled pokes at Middle Earth by writing more off-brand spoofs at stuff he has no business even vaguely digesting his kidney stones around.  In conclusion, this trilogy was stupid.  ... Need I spray more?  Go away.


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#2 ICT

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Posted 06 January 2015 - 12:58 PM

And I still didn't watch it :D


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#3 Mathijs

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Posted 06 January 2015 - 01:19 PM

Fecking Alfrid.


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#4 Pasidon

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Posted 06 January 2015 - 03:06 PM

I can't believe you said he was well written, in your review.  That dirty vagrant made my eyes, ears and hair hurt.  I say hair because I nearly ripped every inch of the stuff out of me just to relieve the stress from him clowning around and ruining my brain for about 3 hours straight.  Comic relief, like Gimly, worked in the last set of films.  It was a charming sort of comedy routine between him, the environment, and Legolas.  Alfred, or Alfrid... whatever it is... was just detestable to the last ounce of bacteria that radiated from him.  Making him semi-important was a stretch, and I couldn't take one more Marvel inspired comic relief quip from him by the time I was 30 minutes into the movie.


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#5 Mathijs

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    You ever heard the story about the scorpion and the frog?

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Posted 06 January 2015 - 05:07 PM

You're quite right, and I was quite wrong having thought about it more.


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#6 Pasidon

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Posted 06 January 2015 - 05:51 PM

That's quite right.


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