So recently, I was pinned down by the forces of snarkness and pitted against 3 of the worst consecutive reboots every conceived by the devices of type 2 diabetes. My over-weight joke was obvious attempt to stir the bowls of George Lucas' sensitive chunk skunk (fat patch) while dreaming of a successful angry email from him towards my general direction. It had been so long since I have seen a Starwars movie, I was slightly perturbed by the concept and I asked myself, "Was that the one about the Chinese boy that fought people with kites?" After being only halfway correct, I began my long, stupid journey with Episode 1. Not to be confused with Starwars: Episode 1.
Episode 1: The Phantom Menace was the first movie to tell millions of fans, "No, no, no... this is the first movie. You're mistaken or lying if you say otherwise." It brought back all of our favorite characters, including space and fake science stuff. It featured a man who's hair style was the only thing stupid enough to match his name. Quag Gone Jim. Yes. I'm calling him Jim. And him and a young and slightly less British Obi Wan Kenobie are off fighting... robots. And stuff. ... I don't have any jokes about how boring and stupid this plot line is. I'm just going to make fun of random stuff now.
Lightsword battles! Laser guns! Bad bald caps! It's every mouth breather's inner (and outer) dream coming true, and we're all invited. IN WIDESCREEN. As long as we don't wonder why laser guns are less effective / less accurate than bullet guns, or why Lucas can't write comedy for humans... we all can watch our laser porn trilogy in peace. It leaves your future children to ask you the question, "Mommy... why do the secondary protagonists that were written in to be comic relief functions annoy me so much?" You're a terrible person for not explaining to your unborn children that Jar-Jar Binks and C3P0 were sent to space hell for their crimes.
The main point of this movie was to show off that Anikan Skywalker wasn't always throwing Unlimited Power Gandalfs into space shafts, or performing acts of questionable Imperial leadership that included:
-Building a giant moon laser just to screw with your own daughter
-Seizing a barren ice planet because... reasons
-Sealing a grown man in a block of stone instead of killing him because... reasons
-Rebuilding a giant space laser just to screw with both your kids
Lucas Arts decided to rebuild their metaphorical space laser by introducing Anikan Skywalker as a child, since old man Lucas saw a documentary about baby Hitler and wanted to rehash the bizarrely scented fact that even mass murderers were once adorable. Since Anikan has been infected with magic lice... AKA miti-clorians... AKA Force mites, he has been gifted with the ability to build incredibly clumsy machines that serve only him and his mom that looks like a crack whore. Yes, even space slaves that live in huts made out of playdough have better things than you. Anikan can also do a thing called pod-racing, which is basically like ordinary racing, except in bath tubs. He will show you the meaning of haste, We all know there was that one scabby dweeb with Han Solo's authentic bipolar medication that said, "I always knew Darth Vader raced in a trashy robot sled when he was a kid!"
The only other character of note is Obi Wan Kenobie, who was named after a plate of sushi. This movie is very important to inform us that, even as a young punk, he had a wooden plate implanted in his skull that vibrated every time he was forced to have words with another living person. His unpleasant attitude towards talking to human beings and props brought smiles across the world, as fans everywhere threw their replica swamp rats into the air and cheered since Lucas brought back the only character in existence that was more bitter and unenthusiastic than Harrison Ford himself.
So, if you get passed the hours of pointless political nonsense, the characters that have no other purpose than to annoy the bricks out of your car windows, the bad dialogue, the stupid character designs, the bad story, and gawd dayum Watto... then this movie is perfect for you. Which, of course, the only thing that would be left is laser battles that involve missing endlessly and stalling for more air time. Which is exactly what Lucas knew that you wanted. The movie did the job of mindless laser beam fights so well, you forgot to ask yourself who The Phantom Menace even was at the end.