Yo'la home'egoes. Howdy. Aloha. Look how culturally diverse I'm being, just like Marvel. Except I'm not doing it to distract you from how white and pasty all of my main characters are. What do you get if you waterboard a bunch of clowns and make their makeup come off? Marvel! What do you get if you use CGI to make incredibly passive violence a little more interesting? Marvel! Where PG-13 comedy and made for TV romance comes together in a big speed ball of pointless, mundane violence... for all ages.
The oily boys down at the golden turkey movie labs decided that people weren't getting enough of desperate white men punching things into justice, so they decided to hang up their D20's and dedicate their post-basement existence to helping us laugh at galactic and local terrorism again. These are the people that put Jean Luc Picard and Gandalf in the same movie, and thought the dirty Aussie bumpkin with Betty Davis claws was what people wanted to see more of. In Iron Man, they made us realize that manufacturing weapons to repress foreign peoples is ok, as long as you're working for America's favorite country: the USA. And in Thor, they finally showed us being a beefy guy from space can be entertaining, as long as your supporting cast is actually doing something other than brooding and cross-culture wooing. But they are anyway.
All of these Marvel movies are super popular with people that get a kick out of punches and glaring at clueless babes. All of the main characters always have us saying "oh, thank god they're all good looking" while pretending to find the borderline ABC soap opera romances interesting. It's fun falling in love with the first woman you see after the opening title. Honey bun... the only two things we need in common are not being fat and watching me kick evil's extremely durable butt.
And finally, the plots. People... you don't need good writing if you have good looking people that hate evil robots with glowing red eyes. Or anything else... with glowing red anything. Let's just watch a bunch of goofy white dudes shoot laser beams at evil things that talk to much. Boo, talking. Who cares if they make a movie based around a green guy that rips off Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Who cares if Wolverine is a sexist tool that keeps getting movies made after him because... reasons. Who cares if they make movies based off of joke concepts, like a guy that can turn into an ant. ... Oh. I forgot they did that, actually. That's actually really dumb. ... Hang on... these are all sort of dumb, aren't they? Hmm. My tummy hurts now.
Maybe we should watch something that doesn't treat us like children that only find sucker-punching and domestic comedy entertaining. AKA everything Rotten Tomatoes critics recommend. Boom. Call the fire department. Take that Stan Lee, you motherless attention whore. No offense to your actual mother. I would send her a kind letter on a clay tablet, but I can't write in cuneiform. Stan Lee... keep that money in your pockets and stop making people forget how easily entertained they are. You appear in all of your movies, yet I'm still not sure if you've been dead since 2003 or not. You wrote a comic about a teenage spider boy, and you somehow have more fans than Tolkien. You wear glasses, and yet you still can't see how awful Fantastic 4 is. Get a grip, you cranky old fart.
