PS, Don't be offended by the complete misrepresentation of the characters; I'm a Christian so I'm allowed
An Apocryphal Tale
And lo the heavens opened and the faithful didst turn and bow down to the Lord, transfixed, awestruck and spellbound by His most awesome appearance, and he didst proceedeth to bestow upon the Israelites the beneficence of his knowledge.
“’Sup, y’all?” spake the Lord, “What’s going down in Israel?”
The most humble prophet Moses didst then look up and inform the Lord that the Israelites had fallen on hard times indeed. And He did heave an almighty sigh, and rest his graceful chin upon his celestial palm.
“What is it this time Moses? Run out of milk and honey again?”
“Well,” replied the prophet, “yes actually. But that wasn’t what we called you about, O most merciful one.”
“‘Merciful one’? Do I sense another Golden Calf fiasco coming on here? Don’t make me get all Sodom and Gomorrah on you people.”
“No, Lord,” replied the most meek Moses, swallowing nervously, “it’s about that eleventh commandment you gave us O benevolent master.”
“Ah yes,” spake Jehovah, unleashing a chuckle that shook the very Earth itself, “How’s that working out for you?”
“Well to be frank we think they could do with a few revisions. For example, ‘Thou shalt not wear beige for it is an offence unto the eyes of the Lord’.”
The face of the Lord didst appear perplexed as he questioned Moses in this fashion:
“What’s wrong with that? I can’t stand beige. I’m doing you a favour in the long term you know.”
For forty seconds and forty jiffies Moses thought upon his answer, before replying “It’s not that we particularly like beige, O majestic one, it is simply that we’re rather in favour of Freedom of Expression and all that.”
And the Lord didst splutter indignantly, and lightning didst flash across the heavens, and the people of Israel didst tremble in their boots for fear of His holy wrath.
“Freedom of Expression?!” cried the Almighty in a voice of thunder, “I already gave you Free Will! Isn’t that enough for you people?”
Suddenly another, lilting voice sounded from a most unexpected quarter; behind the Lord! It spake thus:
“Whoa Dad, chill out. Beige isn’t all bad. At least it’s practical, and you can say nothing for the Jews if it isn’t that they’re practical.”
Now twas the humble Moses who was befuddled and he didst question the Almighty as to the identity of the voice’s owner.
“Oh, it’s no-one important,” replied the Lord, “Just my upstart of a son. Oh yes, actually, I had been meaning to mention him. He’ll be down to sort things out with you lot in a little while. I mean, don’t hold your breath, but if he ever gets out of bed then we’ll see what can be done. Anyway, all this is irrelevant; I will not have my chosen people in beige! It’s horrible.”
Moses looked pained as he prostrated himself before God, seeking His acquiescence.
“Please, my Lord! The fact is, the Assyrian horde wear a great deal of beige and demand that we do the same and considering that they’re currently descending upon us like the pig upon the trough we could do with blending in a little, O omniscient one.”
“‘Like the pig upon the trough’? Your phrasing could use a little work. Maybe it should be a little more threatening, like a wolf or something. Maybe a bear.”
“My Lord!”
And Jehovah didst look upon His people, and upon the suppression of the Assyrian, and seeing their suffering He did relent for, though He oft dislikes to demonstrate this, He is truly a compassionate deity.
“Oh, very well then, scratch the last one. But don’t you go taking any more rubbish from these Assyrians, y’hear?”
Moses and all the faithful didst prostrate themselves further in submission to His will as at length the heavens closed and the Lord God didst disappear from view.
“Right then,” sayeth the prophet, “You heard the Lord. Let’s show those Assyrian dogs how a real man wears beige.”
