4 replies to this topic

[Copaman]

This is a song I wrote the other day, in all of about 5 minutes. I'll warn you, high school sappiness abounds, but everyone who's read it so far has liked it. I want a few more opinions, though

===

My bleeding heart
Compels me to tell you
Just how I feel tonight
But my cautious mind
Steps in to ruin the mood
I don't want to lose you
Don't wanna let you slip
Through a crack tonight

In love,
It's better to be safe
than to be sure
Knowing just exactly how you feel
it could be a bad thing
In love
you should take a parachute
so you don't fall too fast

Let me take you out
I'll try not to persuade you
and define
these feelings that I have
I feel like I'm a robber -
Stole you from a boyfriend
but now I want to be
like the person that I
eagerly defile
to try and win you over.

In love
Might be better to be safe
than to be sure
Knowing just exactly how you feel
might end up the wrong way
In love
Someone throw me a lifeline
think I might hit the ground.

My bleeding heart
compels me to tell you
just how I feel tonight
But I - I don't want to lose you
determined not to let
you slip through my grasp
So let me hold your hand
just to keep you from falling.

[Rafv Nin IV]

It's a decent poem...have you got a melody, or is it just the lyrics?

[Elvenlord]

I rather like it.

[Pasidon]

Wow... depressing. Probably what you were going for, so nicely done I guess. Just add a ripping guitar and a brain stabbing violin in, and you got a dramatic melody to go with your order of positive emotion nullifying lyrics.

[Copaman]

It's a decent poem...have you got a melody, or is it just the lyrics?

This is only the lyrics... I'm working on the melody. As in, I know exactly how I want it to sound, I just have trouble figuring out how to get it there.

Wow... depressing. Probably what you were going for, so nicely done I guess. Just add a ripping guitar and a brain stabbing violin in, and you got a dramatic melody to go with your order of positive emotion nullifying lyrics.

Wasn't quite going for depressing... I was really going for the "lovesick teenager who doesn't know how to express how he feels" emotion, which is also known as "True Lord of Chaos Syndrome". Although I think they're similar feels.

I rather like it.

I'm glad