50 Reasons why Lord of the Rings sucks

So I was searched LotR and I found this. This guy is clearly retarded or something. Take a look at it and see what you think about this retard.

It's ironic, retard.

Edited by Matias, 19 May 2010 - 01:05 AM.

#3 Does this guy not fucking know what WIDESCREEN is? wtf...
#6 Tolkien wrote about orcs long before blizzard
#12 Those were pillows dumbass.
#17 That's not a lotr flaw. It's a logic flaw.
#22 Read the book. Numerous times he states that his quiver is empty. Why show in a movie an incredibly boring scene of him picking up arrows? And if I do so recall, In all these scenes I never saw Legolas fire enough arrows to suggest an empty quiver. He was simply efficient.
#23 A shit scene? Really?
#26 Hey Mr. idiot, Jackson didn't write it. And who says elves HAVE to be Santa elves?
#40 Go back in time and tell Tolkien to write a shorter book. Douche.

Oh come on, guys.

I like ranting. Even if it is sarcasm, it's also ignorance.

No, it isn't. The fact it's sarcastic implies the writer knew better. It's a joke. Humor. I found it kind of funny.

Experts on the occult say in order for a wizard to floorspin a fully-grown man like Gandalf, he'd need three magical staffs, not two.

LMFAO!

The concept of the violent dwarf was based on Al Pacino.

My sides....they hurt....this is brilliant sarcasm.
Nice find Spartan.

I liked number 5

The Battle Droid Syndrome.

The mutated muscular soldiers of Mordor turned out to be hilariously ineffective fighters, a dozen of them held off by a single dying human. Apparently they made the beasts by crossing Orcs, Goblins and the French.

The character of the Giant Evil Flaming All-Seeing Eye was based on former President Jimmy Carter.

The character of Elrond was based on Agent Smith from The Matrix.

Why couldn't Frodo have been played by Christopher Walken?

One does not simply Walken to Mordor
loved it.

... Everyone does realize it's Cracked, right?




.....Spart?




Jesus.

Still its funny.

The person who wrote those points seems to know Lord of the Rings quite well, like on this one:

Invisible Implausibility:

Every time Frodo or Bilbo went invisible with the ring they should have also gone BLIND. Your eyes cannot function unless light is reflected off the cornea. If light passes through it (as must be the case with invisibility) sight is no longer possible. Also, rings do not turn you invisible.

The reason is quite simple:

Unfortunately the events described in Prof. Tolkien's work The Lord of the Rings are completely wrong. However, Prof. Tolkien is not to be blamed since he only translated the RBW (Red Book of Westmarch).

Now, it must be known that Middle-Earth was not medieval at all, but blessed with technology of the finest. The question arises why nothing of this can be seen in the RBW. The answer is quite easy: The RBW was written many years after the end of the Third Age, in a time which was what we would call medieval. Indeed it has been the fate of Middle-Earth to gradually lose its technology... until, at some point in the Dark Ages, the evolution inverted and mankind gradually re-won the advancements which we know today.

Thus, in the First Age, technology was far more advanced than in the Third Age, and therefore at a point which we haven't reached yet. For example, the Rings of Power were not rings at all; they were a very special form of cell phones! I say special because of their unique powering method:

Since their creators - the executives of Eregion Telecommunications®, which was owned by Celebrimbor Enterprises - intended them to be away from their charging stations most of the time, a sort of constant powering system had to be invented.

And this was it:

Each Cell Phone of Power had a charged battery. Its energy was gradually used up. However, when the battery was empty, the Cell Phone did not stop working. Instead, the battery became charged with negative energy! When the Phone was put back on its charging station, a strong flux of positive energy began to flow through it. The positive and the negative energy cancelled each other out until the battery was empty. Then it became charged with positive energy again.

This brings us to the actual reason of Sauron's downfall.

Frodo didn't throw the One Phone into a volcano, of course. He just put it back on its charging sation in Sauron's communication lab - which the RBW refers to as 'the Cracks of Doom' in what can only be called unnecessary over-dramatizing.

Since the One Phone had been lost since the Second Age, you can imagine how much negative energy had meanwhile accumulated on its battery!

The charging station's automatic system tried to cancel all that negative energy at the same time. To do that, it drained all the positive energy from Mordor's electricity network - which eventually led to the breakdown of the main computer in the Barad-Dûr headquarters.

Now let us discuss the Nazgûl. These were taken under contract by Sauron: for a very small fee, they received a special medical treatment which guaranteed them eternal life. However, their bodies became streched and haggard and grey-wraith-like, as some people said.

Sauron also gave them nine Phones of Power. Thus being able to stay in touch at any time, the Nazgûl became succesful businessmen and built up a mighty economic imperium. One day, however, this imperium collapsed because of some plot of Sauron, and the Nazgûl were bankrupt... and because of their amassed debts for the Nine Phones, they suddenly owed a large sum of money to Mordor Telecom, Inc.®. Since they had no money left, they went into a kind of debt slavery for Sauron.

But, you might ask, surely after some years they would have paid back their debts? Theoretically that is true, but they still needed Sauron's medical treatment, which had suddenly become incredibly expensive because of - ahem - inflation. Therefore, their debts grew instead of decreasing.

And this is also the reason why excessive using of the One Phone eventually brings you under Sauron's control: because of the high phone bill!

By the way, the One Phone does not really make you invisible, of course. But when you are attacked by ennemies, you just put your hand over the phone, say 'Sorry, I'm in an important business discussion,' give them meaningful glances, and resume talking. Then, while they are waiting, you quickly bolt and run.

One question still remains, howerver: How on earth did the notion appear that the Phones of Power were rings?

The origin of this misunderstanding lies in a dialogue that took place between a Nazgûl and Sauron, after the latter had taken the former under contract:

'Hmm, you sure I shouldn't read this small print?'
'Quite sure. My medical treatment restores the body, but not the eyes. It would be a shame of over-using them.'
'OK. I trust you'll contact me, then?'
'Yes, I'll give you a ring.'

And this dialogue was handed down from generation to generation, until its true meaning was forgotten. Thus, the original RBW actually has a poem which claims the following:

Three Rings for the Telecom Kings under the sky,
Seven to the Dwarf-Lords for their calls at home.
Nine for Mortal Men doomed to pay,
One for the Dark Lord on his dark throne,
In the land of Mordor, where the phone bills lay.
One Ring to call them all, One Ring to find them,
One Ring to phone them all and to the contract bind them,
In the land of Mordor, where the phone bills lay.

A few translation errors by Prof. Tolkien did the rest, and the result was the Lord of the Rings. However these translation errors are understandable, since the RBW was written in a language in which one word can have many different meanings, rather like Latin. For example, the word for 'phone bill' and 'shadow' is the same, which shows that some wisdom was still left to these small people.

--------------------

P.S.: Above interpretation of the rings was found in Rad's "The Wolf Den" ... lots of interesting *stuff* there, cf.:

... loved it.

Edited by Námo, 19 May 2010 - 08:49 AM.

Quality Control at New Line.

Millions of copies of the LOTR DVDs have thick black bars at the bottom and top of the screen throughout the film. Didn't anyone catch this? You know what happens at the end, in the extreme foreground and extreme upper sky? Neither do I. Bush league, gentlemen.

Did someone say plot hole?

Liv Tyler's character is seen easily defeating nine strong supernatural beings, even though she is clearly a woman.

Propaganda.

The Elves, clearly the most advanced and wise species, are also clearly gay.

These ones made me lol.
Did you honestly think that it was a genuine rant, Spartan? That's just embarrassing.

Did anyone else read the comments below it?
People get so worked up over things,it's like the people who think the Onion is real.
Even some of the people who "got it" didn't quite get it.
But even if Spartan is retarded and thought it was real it's a good find.

Edited by Radspakr, 19 May 2010 - 11:32 AM.

I didn't think it was real cause at the top it says "Cracked Americas Funniest Comedian community" or something like that, but I guess I did sort of fall for it in the beginning when I first found it then I saw the stuff on the top. Though I thought it was funny. I did however read the other comments.

Edited by Spartan184, 19 May 2010 - 01:49 PM.

Regardless of whether or not it's a joke, the points are funny, and amusing to pick apart due to their idiocy.

It's only fun to pick points apart if they are meant seriously. And these clearly weren't.

Sorry Spartan and Kwen, can't talk your way out of this one

The number 5 I hate , it's still the French the fucking idiot , and even if it's sarcasm the author isn't funny because it's awful