42 replies to this topic

[Devon]

well, i did this in school today for a lit and art magazine we're doing. it took me about an hour, but i like it, so im posting its all mine, with the help of a handy online rhyming dictionary for a couple of the more tricky parts




There was a nation,
Its people proud,
With beautiful banner decoration,
And trumpets ringing loud.

Its glorious fields had brought it wealth,
Its people laden were with gold,
And silver stacked was on each shelf,
Palaces beautiful to behold.


But Alas! In its leader corruption grew,
A greed for wealth beyond belief,
Which he believed was long overdue,
His people viewed him with disbelief.

Taxes they were made to pay,
And put in prison should they delay,
Their glorious fields now forsaken,
As their lives away were taken.


As the leader more ambitious grew,
Another nation’s attention he drew,
A nation stronger and far older,
Its leader also had grown bolder.

Armies positioned, soldiers deployed,
The land was silent, the soldiers waited,
And for a brief while peace enjoyed,
But the hatred of nations was unabated.


Far above the glorious fields,
A raven cried, for war uncaring,
The armies surged, their wrath revealed,
The hatred of their nations declaring.

Alas! For many that day to darkness fell,
Into the dark abyss of hell,
Abroad the land with blood was stained,
And what had either nation gained?


What corruption of two leaders spawned,
Of mortal comprehension is beyond,
For the once-glorious fields now are dead,
Even the ravens have from there fled.


please feel free to critisize/comment/give suggestions etc

Edited by Yoda_, 29 October 2008 - 01:19 AM.

[Dain Ironfoot]

Ha! Pretty good Alas as broad as the showcase forum is, poetry cannay fit in it

[Devon]

thanks by cannay you mean cannot? i asked someone where to post it though, and they said here, so idk

Edit: Hehe, just noticed it was moved. nevermind

Edited by YodaWarrior, 02 November 2007 - 07:17 PM.

[Vithar-133]

Intresting. Never been one for poetry, but this one's good. Keep it up, friend.

[Shikari]

Nice Yoda Irregular rhyming pattern gives it an interesting flow.

Alas! For many that day to darkness fell,
Into the dark abyss of hell,
Abroad the land with blood was stained,
And what had either nation gained?

That's the best stanza

[Devon]

thanks guys

[Beleg]

Encore, Encore

[Devon]

Hehe, maybe later. I'm glad you like it.

[Devon]

Sorry to revive an old topic but...

If anyone is curious, I got a silver key for this for the scholastic national competition thing

[JEV3]

Glad you to see this surface, I just noticed it. It makes a good statement on greed and the ends that come of it. The rhythm seems a bit irregular in places and the wording of some of the individual sentences isn't always consistent. Sometimes passive voice has a tendency to be overused in poems, some sentences might have benefited with the omission of a 'have' word.

I enjoyed reading it, keep it up!

EDIT: As in show us another poem, its been a couple months already

Edited by JEV3, 16 January 2008 - 07:11 PM.

[Dain Ironfoot]

Yeah, get on the laudanum!

[Devon]

Yeah, schools been pretty rough on my free time (as have some of the better mods around here ) so I havn't really gotten around to doing anything else yet. It's better now tho, and I'm working on a short story (or not so short) at the moment. I'll get started on something soon though, as soon as I get some inspiration as for what (this was inspired by some of the current political situations in the world) If anyone has any suggestions or requests, that would make the my idea time process a lot faster

[Rob38]

Perhaps doing something on what has been occurring in Darfur? It's pretty depressing though...

[Devon]

Voila: I did this in the last hour or so. I was a bit inspired by the song of the ents and entwives that treebeard tells merry and pippin. The message is...well I'm not really sure what it is It really depends on what you take away from it. So without further ado....





Of ancient times two lords there were,
Shadow and Light, so were they known,
In constant harmony they lived,
Each sat upon their own throne,

Unknown to them who was better,
Unthought until of them was asked,
By a scheming mind it was posed,
A deeper purpose it did mask,


Through fire and fear,
Through cold and tear,
Light and Shadow fought back and forth,
With arguments and words abundant,
Devious minds hard at work,


“I,” said Shadow, “am obviously best,
For the universe is my dark nest,
In the sky the stars glitter,
But the darkness in between is better,”

“So so,” said Light, “but you are worse,
For without Light you would not exist,
By light you are defined with worth,
Without it, you would not be missed,”


Through day and night,
From black to white,
The two lords argued back and forth,
Words attacked, and were parried,
Gained was not much of worth,


“In my opinion,” said Shadow madly,
“Your arguments are near infernal,
For though a candle always burns out,
Darkness will always be eternal,”

“While that is true,” Light replied,
“A single candle is but enough,”
“To save off darkness for a while,”
“Until more have called your bluff,”


Through past and present,
From Sorrow to content,
Friend was broken, and forgotten,
As the two lords fenced back and forth,
Both lords’ hearts had turned rotten,


“Ho hey!” said Light with great feeling,
“You are but a mirror of what I do,
With light comes shadow, with life comes death,
Everything shown is untrue,”

“Touché,” said Shadow, “But without me, you are nothing,
Without night, there can be no dawn,
So within your claims, you are bluffing,
For lacking death, there can be no life,"


All through the argument,
The poser of the question watched,
He smiled in silence, for his task was done,
For eternity they would argue,
Their lordships and their thrones forgotten,
To those the universe now was open wide,
Who had for themselves the power to decide,
Whether they would be strong, or be weak,
And how they would be defined.


56 lines, compared to the last one's 36 or so. Please comment

Edited by YodaWarrior, 24 January 2008 - 02:06 AM.

[soccer star]

that was wonderful


it was a really sad poem

cant wait till you make another

Edited by soccer star, 24 January 2008 - 02:09 AM.

[Devon]

Thanks! Like I said, inspiration and ideas is the hardest bit I'm glad you liked it

[Fingulfin]

Awesome! Nice story too

[Downfall]

Great Job

Lines 27-34 probably the best of the poem (in my opinion).

The use of a candle to show their strengths and faults, in the more simplistic form, is very ingenious.

Besides, I have a soft spot for such things in literature.

[JEV3]

Light is better because Shadow has an evil connotation.

Light and shadow were chosen because the argument of which was better is a sort of paradox, therefore they will always find some way to counter the opposing argument, which in turn will always be vulnerable. A never ending conflict between the two should never have started, but the true evil is in the being who had set the two at odds and made them enemies. As enemies a weakness was exposed that never was present before, and a confusion was encouraged that never needed to be discovered. Some questions would be better unasked, and some answers are best withheld.

Thats what I drew from it...

However some of the arguments in themselves are weak... A single candle holding off darkness for a while implies that darkness is inevitable and therefore supports Shadow more than Light. Also shadow does not need light to be seen, for it is the absence of light that makes it noticeable.

"by light you are defined... without it you would not be missed" means without light, darkness would be seen, while this is true, it is looks like an unintentional slip-up due to the double negative. Again it gives light the weaker side of the argument, so through your poem, shadow actually seems stronger.

Arguments like that are rather hard to develop. I don't expect you to write like Shakespeare, but if the arguments were more sound or on the other hand, more clearly based on bias and folly, then it would aid the poem.

I still enjoyed it but I liked the other one better. Hmm, maybe I should put some of my poems here, they'd get more attention than on the dead creativity section of Revora.

EDIT: I also disagree with the statement that in lacking death there could be no life, a proper counter to Light's argument should be directed by the shady questioner, as Light's argument ends it in a compromise.

Edited by JEV3, 24 January 2008 - 03:33 AM.

[Shikari]

Very nice Yoda, deep and meaningful with an excellent ending.

Edited by Shikari, 24 January 2008 - 08:20 PM.