6 replies to this topic

[Dauth]

I will not analyse my piece other than to say I should have created something new, as opposed to digging up an old story.

Vortigern:
While I like the concept of love tried across the gulfs of time I think a little more could have been made of the issues encountered within. While the language barrier is a good start, you could have gone into clothing styles, appropriate behaviour for the time, even biological differences. Even across Earth now, some men kiss each other as a greeting, others bow, some hug, some shake hands. These sort of details help bring a story to life and give the characters a bit of depth, which I think is possibly the main weakness of this piece. You used only two thirds of the available 1500 words and as such the story suffered. I find myself thinking its the same as an old man telling a story 4th or 5th hand with some bits enterprisingly made up by the third iteration. I have not spotted any glaring spelling issues, nor grammar problems.

Casojin:
A more traditional view of divisions, separating humans into classes, I like the almost X-Men esqe treatment of the none humans as less than humans. There is a good understanding of character psychology. A snapshot of the military use is an interesting idea, however for someone who had lost parents recently I would expect a ten year old to be more distraught he seems to react in the manner of someone much older. I'm given to understand English isn't your first language which is why I'm not being critical of the errors but can point them out for you if you wish.

Caspa & Matias:
I would be very cautious about entering a poem into a Story Contest as it created the issue of voting for types. I find poems a lot harder to read and as such found them significantly less enjoyable that the other entries. Looking at Caspa's entry there doesn't seem to be any spelling errors but the more I look at it the more it looks like a set of song lyrics. Matias' style is more like the poems I am used to seeing, again no obvious mistakes. The problem I encounter is that without being able to read/write/enjoy poems properly I cannot comment properly on them.

Ravnin IV:
This piece is quite possibly in a class of its own as far as I am concerned. My only real criticism is the swapping around of British/English/Scottish as this is inappropriate for the setting. IIRC the treaty of Versailles was signed on behalf of England and no other names were used. If a reference to someone North of the border was used I would also have made it clearer he was fighting on the side of the English as the history there has been far from bloodless, minor confusion could have happened. The will to write letters home is a very real goal and I think helps bring the characters to life.

I hope my comments help the writers here.

[Rafv Nin IV]

Didn't know that about the Treaty of Versailles; thanks for pointing it out. I just assumed the UK was the UK, and had been so for a while. My history is just a tad biased towards America

When's the next contest?

Edited by Ravnin IV, 30 September 2008 - 01:16 AM.

[Dauth]

Didn't know that about the Treaty of Versailles; thanks for pointing it out. I just assumed the UK was the UK, and had been so for a while. My history is just a tad biased towards America

When's the next contest?

I wouldn't worry about it, I doubt more than 1% of UK residents know it either. I figure the next contest will be when the voting closes, or Vortigern feels active.

[Vortigern]

I'd quite like to get a bit more activity going on here before we have another contest. Six was a decent turnout, in the end, given how dead the Writer's Guild has been for so long, but I'd quite like to see it increased it a bit more.

Sorry about my relative inactivity, I've been busy settling in to my new home in Sheffield, and I have had little time to sort out much.

[Fire Ze Missiles!]

But the Treaty of Versailles was signed in 1919 - that was long after the creation of the United Kingdom as a country. It was the British Empire, not the English, that conquered a quarter of the globe and declared war on Germany and Austro-Hungary and thus later made peace with them.

Apologies for that irrelevancy

[Vortigern]

Actually, it wasn't until well after the Second World War that Britain signed treaties as 'The United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland'. At Versailles, it would probably have been 'England, Scotland, Wales, Northern Ireland and Berwick-upon-Tweed'. Berwick has the best history of any town, ever. They were still at war with Russia until the mid 1960's, dating back to the Crimean War (1854-6) because their name was accidentally left out of peace settlement. "At last the Russians can sleep soundly in their beds," said the Mayor.

[Vortigern]

That's because there weren't any limitations. Writing can take whatever form you wish. Poetry is really one of the less abstract forms. It all depends on the quality of the writing, not the style, though of course the two are not unrelated.