37 replies to this topic

[Pasidon]

Here's a picture of a potato showing great joy for this event.

 

So the Apple Fun Happy Event of 2014 was supposed to be a great time of glorious celebration.  It was to announce the coming of a new age of phone stuff that Apple swears is totally different from the last age of phone stuff.  Unfortunately, the event's livestream was powered by joy, and a single negative Nancy would crash the entire thing.  Or something, since the entire thing crashed quite hard before the event even started.  But if you enjoy an incredibly trendy song looping for an hour, then you came to the right event!

 

But enough about how Apple's tech experts screwed up their own livestream.  We need to talk about how Apple's presentation screwed up their own livestream instead!  ... Sorry. That exclamation point was unnecessary and overly enthusiastic.  But as was the entire conference, I dare say.  Steve Job's professional butt plugger, Timmy Cook, gets really excited about being alive and rich, and you're all invited.  He tells us how this new iPhone is revolutionary and the greatest thing ever created, and you're a poor person who smells weird if you don't get excited for it.  What's new about it?  It has 100 more pixels!  Yea!  How did they accomplish such a Spartan feat??  Surely it's not because the bloody things are massively larger.  But no, Professor Cook tells us how the screen has been infused with ions and that stuff happens because yes.  That means good!  Surely the magic and science of the ion is reason enough to praise such a glorious invention!  But after such an announcement, a straggler from Sony's press conference a month ago got lost and told us about a video game that only fake people care about.

 

What else is new?  Besides the ocular telescope that protrudes from the back, and the ions?  Nothing!  Yaay.  Because actual new stuff makes my think box hurt.  But now you can ask grandpa to return from the dead and join the circus so he can pay the 200 bucks for your brand new iPhone.  But surely such technology will inspire even your dead grandpa to arise and take arms to defend his constitutional rights to buy stuff with zero social interactions.  Luckily, the new iPhone has just the technology!  Using a credit card is sooooo 2014.  It takes a total of 5 seconds to use, which is unacceptable.  Holocaust 2 could happen within that 5 seconds.  How will you protect your children and illegal pets?  Why, with ApplePay!  What the hack is ApplePay?  It's a very convenient way to pay for stuff, using the power of ions in your every-day life. It's technology so revolutionary,currently nothing on Earth is compatible with it.  What wondrous magic that has been gifted upon the land.

 

But what's this?  No, it's not over yet!  They had a special surprise for us all!  If you didn't read the sodding giant title of the conference, you would never have suspected the announcement of the new iWatch!  What is this mysterious piece of technology?  Is it magic?  Will it renew my faith in ions?  Yes to all these things, even the ones that it wouldn't make sense to say yes to!  Well... they didn't explain what it was.  Just that it looks extremely fragile, and you get to bath in the holy glow of ion battery discharge if you accidentally backhand your spouse too hard.  

 

So what did we learn?  Other than Grandpa Cook is secretly a Chinese robot and that livestreams are hard?  Well, we learned that Apple can make people look very excited for things that aren't actually interesting, or practical.  Or new.  Or real.  But will you be forking over the 200 smacks for Apple's latest technological advancement in human stupidity?  You're probably dumb, so yes.  Well... maybe I will. Only if iWatch and ApplePays.  Uh-oh Spaghetti-O!  SteveJobsLOLfagN00bhunter3007 out.

[Bofur]

You didn't watch the keynote. If there were a dislike button here, I'd click it.

But please try not to post your rants at all the stuff I like

[Mathijs]

Steve Job's professional butt plugger, Timmy Cook, gets really excited about being alive and rich, and you're all invited.  

Hahahahahahahahahahahaha

 

Awesome writing.

 

EDIT: Wait, I just read Bono was at the presentation because Apple's going to hand out free downloads of U2's new album. Why didn't you cover that?

[Bofur]

Awesome, apart from the misplaced apostrophe, anyway

[Pasidon]

Your bias has been noted, and laughed upon.  May the ion have mercy upon your wrenched ghost.

 

And Mathy, there was a lot of the conference I couldn't watch because it didn't blaa'dy work.  But to be fair, that probably would have been the headline joke.

[Mathijs]

Yeah from the outset that's the most hilarious detail. Maybe next time.

[Beowulf]

Apple's keynote was a joke. Their livestream didn't even work for most people and the new iPhone will be a piece of shit like the rest. Goddamn Apple is laughably shitty. They're like an inept, bumbling criminal empire.

[Pasidon]

Don't worry.  The next one will be totally better.  When they announce it, they'll say that this one was a piece of junk and that the new one will be the best phone ever made.  I bet it's going to have even more pixels.  If these things get any bigger, they might as well start coming with back braces.  Truly the skin of evil.

[Bofur]

Just saying, th camera enhancements sound awesome. And the A8, which judging by its graphics performance has a hexa-core GPU.

[Elric]

I agree with Bofur.

 

--

 

The Apple iPhone IMO is the best smartphone out there, it is made of the higher quality materials and has a simple OS that is user friendly. Even if haters gonna hate you can't deny the build quality and the aluminum chassis on there products is outstanding.

[Pasidon]

I did a bit o' research on that "A8" nonsense, because randomly making up chip names doesn't mean anything to normal people.  "1 GB of LPDDR3 RAM" "20 nm process" And it has 2 million transistors!!! Blerg... don't make me go back to the Xbox One conference last year.  Bragging about transistors is like bragging about how many shoe laces you have in your shoe.  My GameCube has 51 million... and?  Also, all that processor power, is not only not impressive for a hand-held device for games, it's also useless.  May I present a list of mobile gaming's greatest accomplishments in the past 50 years:

 

Anyway, the camera.  8-megapixels.  I'm not too familiar with cameras or the worth of a megapixel, but I did research regardless.  A typical standard, not-to-studdly 100 dollar camera from Samsung is 16 megapixels.  If you start putting all these stats together, you could say to yourself, "Wow!  This phone does everything!"  But when a sane, not fake person looks at it, they could also say, "Wow.  This phone does everything worse than what actual things do."  If you want something that can play games, this is still a terrible option.  You'll be able to play PS2 games to a degree similar to the power of a PS2, except with an awful control method.  And a screen no bigger than my mouse.  And taking pictures with it is still going to be an amateur hour compared to an actual camera... because no matter how many filters that thing has, it's still going to be a Persian effort compared to a real, actual camera with a lens that's bigger than a dime.  And dat lens... it sticks out of the phone like a telescope.  If someone drops that thing flat on a table a bit too hard, it's going to shatter.  "Not if you buy the case!"  You shouldn't have to buy the case...  The panoramic stuff seems kind of cool, but I dunno how well it works.  Especially with the case on... it seems to block the curvature of the lens, and isn't that sort of important?  

 

It's the best smartphone out there... that's like having the best waffle bat.  What's a waffle bat?  It's a bat designed for hitting waffles.  It's a lot weaker than a baseball bat, but it also comes with a styrofoam cup holder and a glass hand-warmer.  These things aren't nearly as effective as their counterparts, but the point is that they're all on one convenient device!  Erm... but what's the advantage of this?  I do not compare my existence to the stage woman, pretending to shuffle through her bottomless purse of horror and despair, wasting precious seconds of my time looking for my credit card.  If I want to take pictures, I would carry a camera that's half the price and still be twice as good.  If I want to play mobile games, I would get a 3DS.  If I want a phone, I'll get a phone that costs significantly less and have the same quality.  Maybe even better.  But it's not about the phone part ever, is it?  Not at all, I suppose.  But the point being, why get the one thing that does 3 portable things very poorly, when I can get 3 separate devices that do them to a nail?  But these are 3 things I don't even value that highly, but if I did, I would want the better experience not the convenient one.  And Christ alive... I am not proof-reading this.  Holy crap.

[Beowulf]

The Apple iPhone IMO is the best smartphone out there, it is made of the higher quality materials and has a simple OS that is user friendly. Even if haters gonna hate you can't deny the build quality and the aluminum chassis on there products is outstanding.

Haha, no. Apple makes the absolute worst products out there. Stupid consumers get sucked into their void of hollow promises with flashy displays and big, impressive sounding specs. The best phones are Samsung's Galaxy series running off Android, which is immensely more user friendly and customizable than that piece of shit iOS Apple shoves down your throat. So no, their products are not outstanding and they're always beaten to the punch by some competitor doing things right without fucking it up for everyone else.

 

If you want an indestructible phone, go Nokia. I have a Lumia 810, which has kissed the concrete a few times. Son of a bitch still runs like a boss. Drop an iPhone once and it shits on itself. Stellar my ass. Fuck Apple and double fuck their fanboys.

[Elric]

Im not talking specs, im talking build quality and that once was true where if you drop an iphone it breaks but now its not exactly true anymore. case or not it can survive a drop. They arent terrible and they are very easy to use. Go to an Apple store sometime galaxy fanboy and tell me they are hard to use, all you have to do is turn it on and touch an app and your set to use anything, i dont need the custom ability of andriod which changes like what is it every few months?

 

As for the 8 megapixel camera sure its 8mp but it also has technology upping the shots sharpness thus making each photo actually worth something where as with a large bulky camera which you cant fit in your pocket you have to do all the adjustments your self. The iPhone just does it for you and if you want a filter then sure add it.

 

Apples products even if they dont have have the best specs have the quality and premium feel that other phones wish they had. Plus if we really want to take sides i find it funny that both competitors just steal the same ideas from eachother, galaxy stole the touch id, apple stole screen resolutions. 

 

Apple has a 64bit system while Galaxy doesnt, they both have there pluses and minus i choose apple for there build quality and overall easier to use software.

[Pasidon]

My camera has a neck band.  Don't even need to put it in my pocket.  Plus.

[Beowulf]

Im not talking specs, im talking build quality and that once was true where if you drop an iphone it breaks but now its not exactly true anymore. case or not it can survive a drop. They arent terrible and they are very easy to use. Go to an Apple store sometime galaxy fanboy and tell me they are hard to use, all you have to do is turn it on and touch an app and your set to use anything, i dont need the custom ability of andriod which changes like what is it every few months?

 

As for the 8 megapixel camera sure its 8mp but it also has technology upping the shots sharpness thus making each photo actually worth something where as with a large bulky camera which you cant fit in your pocket you have to do all the adjustments your self. The iPhone just does it for you and if you want a filter then sure add it.

 

Apples products even if they dont have have the best specs have the quality and premium feel that other phones wish they had. Plus if we really want to take sides i find it funny that both competitors just steal the same ideas from eachother, galaxy stole the touch id, apple stole screen resolutions. 

 

Apple has a 64bit system while Galaxy doesnt, they both have there pluses and minus i choose apple for there build quality and overall easier to use software.

I don't actually own a Galaxy phone. Hell, my phone doesn't even run Android. I have a Windows Phone... though, I do have a tablet running Android. I've played around with iPads and whatnot and I don't like the interface. It's not really that great or intuitive. I can make my way around, but I'm a tech so I really need to be able to do that. Anyhow, I hate the iOS; it's a fucking turd, which is funny considering I like OS X.

 

Either way, Apple products are flashy garbage. They're the Alienware equivalent of the phone and tablet world. They're all flash and no substance; all smoke and no fire; etc. Point is, you got suckered if you think their products are actually good. If you want to burn money on inferior products, go right ahead. I won't stop you but you should know this: you're supporting a company with an increasingly poor track record with updates and products not delivering and the absolute worst treatment of their workers. Oh, and they work backwards to screw the Internet for everyone and subvert your rights.

[Mathijs]

 

Either way, Apple products are flashy garbage. They're the Alienware equivalent of the phone and tablet world. They're all flash and no substance; all smoke and no fire; etc. Point is, you got suckered if you think their products are actually good. If you want to burn money on inferior products, go right ahead. I won't stop you but you should know this: you're supporting a company with an increasingly poor track record with updates and products not delivering and the absolute worst treatment of their workers. Oh, and they work backwards to screw the Internet for everyone and subvert your rights.

 

How so?

[Bofur]

I did a bit o' research on that "A8" nonsense, because randomly making up chip names doesn't mean anything to normal people.  "1 GB of LPDDR3 RAM" "20 nm process" And it has 2 million transistors!!! Blerg... don't make me go back to the Xbox One conference last year.  Bragging about transistors is like bragging about how many shoe laces you have in your shoe.  My GameCube has 51 million... and?  Also, all that processor power, is not only not impressive for a hand-held device for games, it's also useless.  May I present a list of mobile gaming's greatest accomplishments in the past 50 years:

 

Anyway, the camera.  8-megapixels.  I'm not too familiar with cameras or the worth of a megapixel, but I did research regardless.  A typical standard, not-to-studdly 100 dollar camera from Samsung is 16 megapixels.  If you start putting all these stats together, you could say to yourself, "Wow!  This phone does everything!"  But when a sane, not fake person looks at it, they could also say, "Wow.  This phone does everything worse than what actual things do."  If you want something that can play games, this is still a terrible option.  You'll be able to play PS2 games to a degree similar to the power of a PS2, except with an awful control method.  And a screen no bigger than my mouse.  And taking pictures with it is still going to be an amateur hour compared to an actual camera... because no matter how many filters that thing has, it's still going to be a Persian effort compared to a real, actual camera with a lens that's bigger than a dime.  And dat lens... it sticks out of the phone like a telescope.  If someone drops that thing flat on a table a bit too hard, it's going to shatter.  "Not if you buy the case!"  You shouldn't have to buy the case...  The panoramic stuff seems kind of cool, but I dunno how well it works.  Especially with the case on... it seems to block the curvature of the lens, and isn't that sort of important?  

 

It's the best smartphone out there... that's like having the best waffle bat.  What's a waffle bat?  It's a bat designed for hitting waffles.  It's a lot weaker than a baseball bat, but it also comes with a styrofoam cup holder and a glass hand-warmer.  These things aren't nearly as effective as their counterparts, but the point is that they're all on one convenient device!  Erm... but what's the advantage of this?  I do not compare my existence to the stage woman, pretending to shuffle through her bottomless purse of horror and despair, wasting precious seconds of my time looking for my credit card.  If I want to take pictures, I would carry a camera that's half the price and still be twice as good.  If I want to play mobile games, I would get a 3DS.  If I want a phone, I'll get a phone that costs significantly less and have the same quality.  Maybe even better.  But it's not about the phone part ever, is it?  Not at all, I suppose.  But the point being, why get the one thing that does 3 portable things very poorly, when I can get 3 separate devices that do them to a nail?  But these are 3 things I don't even value that highly, but if I did, I would want the better experience not the convenient one.  And Christ alive... I am not proof-reading this.  Holy crap.

 

Camera quality isn't measured in megapixels - It's a tradeoff between number of megapixels and the pixel size - The fewer megapixels you have, the larger pixels you have, which let more light in - Apple did this right in the 6. They have larger pixels, not more. 8MP should be enough for anyone - The rMBP screen is only about 5MP, anyway. Megapixel numbers are pure marketing drivel. Anything above 10 is, in my opinion, worthless in a phone.

[Pasidon]

A megapixel is one million pixels, and the amount of megapixels determines how many pixels an image will have, and by this, the quality and resolution are determined.  Not only is it an important piece of information for camera quality measurement. it is a widely advertised piece of information for camera quality.  That's why I can go on Amazon or even sodding Ebay and find the megapixel count as one of the first pieces of information.  It's why the camera specs on the iPhone6 specs page had it as the very top piece of information.  It's the punchline to the bad joke.  But don't tell Grandpa Cook that it's a bad joke... he turns an even brighter shade of orange when he's angry.  The first cheep camera I came across had twice the amount as this phone.  "But it's a phone... not a professional camera.  What did you expect?"  I expect when something is praised, it is good.  When this camera is worth being bragged about, then why am I having trouble finding anything worse?  Even that useless Samsung stick camera is producing better quality photos.

 

And are you seriously debating that larger pixels are better than smaller ones?  And pixels are not solar panels or trees... they do not let in light.  In inspiration of this theory, I have improved my avatar. 

 

 

Truly the colossal pixel is the better pixel.  Look at all that light being absorbed.  Look at it.  

[Bofur]

Why don't you believe me? Look it up before posting something so misinformed...

Okay, that was a bit harsh..... And don't compare point and shoot cameras, my new DSLM is only 16.05MP, and that's with a huge sensor, which allows for many big pixels.

Edited by Bofur, 16 September 2014 - 07:00 AM.

[Pasidon]

I did research your point.  It confused me so much, I even have been showing people your argument to see if they know what you mean. You supporting a "big pixel" as a more preferred medium for resolution is a point so strange, I can't find anything that even refers to it as an argument.  I have a screen.  It is comprised of points of light that render images.  It can display pixels.  Digital images are made of pixels.  The more pixels an image has, the more detail it has.  A pixel is a set point with a set measurement.  It is a set factor that a single centimeter alone is 944.8824 pixels.  When you increase the size of a pixel, you are distorting that set projection.  Like that image I made in my previous post... I simply increased the size of the image, which was comprised of the 944.8824 standard.  The standard pixels were increased in size, allowing you to see the hard edges more clearly.  Not only is this a factor not wanted in photography or digital art, I do not see how this will 'let in more light'.  It is a nonsensical perspective to me, and to those I have asked for assistance in finding your point.  

 

And I will happily compare to point and shoot cameras.  They are simply better, and the point is to clarify that these phones are not a marvel of modern technology because they do not excel in any single factor of modern technology.